She was sitting on the edge of their bed buffing her cracked and calloused heels. He watched for a few seconds before asking, “What are you trying to do? Start a fire?”
He was standing in the check-out line behind a woman who had a child tethered to her wrist by a leash, when he asked her, “Is he a rescue?”
“Why do you watch cooking shows,” he asked his wife, “and still can’t cook?”
She replied, “Why do you watch porn?”
She was laying on her belly, reading a magazine, wearing nothing more than panties and a tee-shirt. The cat was sitting above her on the back of their sofa.
Her husband picked up the red laser light that they use to tease the cat. He aimed the dot at his wife’s butt cheeks.
“I’m retaining water,” she complained to her husband.
He looked at her and replied, “No — you’re retaining cookie dough ice cream with chocolate sauce.”
“My doctor says I’m good health for a 60 year old man and thinks I could live another 30 years.”
“You don’t drink, smoke or womanize, right?”
“Then what the hell do you want to live another 30 years for?”
“Anything you say can and will be held against you,” the female officer stated as she arrested me.
I looked back over my shoulder at her and replied, “Boobs!”
“Honey,” he said, “You ought to bring one of your girlfriends over so we can have a threesome.”
Angry, she replied, “Why? So you disappoint two women at once?”
“I have a box filled with used clothes I want to donate,” she announced.
He looked at the box and asked, “Why not jus’ throw’em out?”
“Because there are poor starving people in our community,” she stated. “And they could use these clothes.”
“Honey,” he responded without thinking, “anyone that fits into your clothing isn’t starving.”
“I can’t trust your decision-making!” she told her husband.
He quickly responded, “I guess so, look who I married!”
He got on the elevator with a large breasted woman. She asked him to press one.
My neighbor left work Friday afternoon, but instead of going home and since it was pay-day he decided to spend the entire weekend partying, blowing most of his paycheck. When he finally arrived home late Sunday night, his wife confronted him at the door and laid into him with a tirade that lasted over two-hours.
Finally she stopped her bitching and asked him a simple question, “How would you like it if you didn’t see me for the next two or three days?”
He replied, “That would be fine with me!”
Monday went by and he didn’t see his wife; so did Tuesday and Wednesday. Finally on Thursday, the swelling went down enough that he could see her, but only out of the corner of his left eye.
The other day, I went to the Social Security office to apply for benefits. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver’s license to verify my age.
That’s when I realized that I had left it at home. I told the woman I would have to go and come back later.
The woman said, “Unbutton your shirt.”
So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver chest hair. She said, “That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me,” and she processed my Social Security application.
When I got home, I told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office. She said, “You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability too.”
My wife yelled at me, “I don’t give a flying fig about your opinion!”
“You will once I learn to fly a fig,” I returned with a smile.
My wife and I were at her high school reunion, and she kept staring at a drunk swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table. I asked her, “Do you know him?”
“Yes”, she sighed, “He’s my old boyfriend. He began drinking right after we split up years ago, and hasn’t been sober since.”
“My Goodness!” I said, “Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?”
My wife and I were watching ‘Who Wants to Be a Millionaire’ while in bed. I turned to her and said, “Do you want to have sex?”
“No,” she answered.
“Is that your final answer?” I asked.
She didn’t even look at me this time, simply saying, “Yes.”
So I said, “Then I’d like to phone a friend.”
My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, “I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 165 in about 2 seconds.”
I bought her a new bathroom scale.
“My hands are blistered from using the broom,” she stated.
He smiled, “Take the car next time, silly.”
My wife was standing naked, looking in the bedroom mirror. She was not happy with what she saw and said to me, “I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.”
I replied, “Your eyesight’s damn near perfect.”
A Constitutionally oriented Jew walks in the local synagogue. Looks around and loudly states, “Any Hebrew that supports the Democratic party are today’s new ‘Sonderkommandos.'”
My wife’s hair was frizzy when she came out of the bathroom and I couldn’t help but stare.
Hoping for a little sympathy, she stated, “I decided to tease it.”
Without thinking, I responded, “I can tell — and it does look irritated.”
My wife and I were watching a made-for-TV movie. During the first half hour she asked me four questions about the plot, which I answered patiently and politely.
During the next commercial break, I asked her, “If you’re home alone and watching TV, who answers all your questions?”
When our lawn mower broke my wife kept nagging me to get it fixed. But, I always had something else to do.
Finally, she thought of a clever way to make her point. I found her seated in the tall, unmowed grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of scissors.
After watching silently for a short time, I went into the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush.
“When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway,” I said.
It was the beginning of a really bad day as I accidentally rear-ended a car.
The other driver, a dwarf, got out of the other vehicle, yelling at me, “I am NOT Happy!”
Then I asked, ‘So, which one ARE you then?”
He and his wife were watching the morning news and forgetting she was sitting next to him while referring to the commentator, he stated aloud, “You’re quite the doofus…”
“I’ve always wanted to walk down the aisle,” she said.
“Great!” he replied. “Let’s go shopping at Walmart.”
She was on the floor with her legs stretched towards the ceiling.
“What are you doing now?” he asked.
“It’s a yoga position called the ‘Candle,’ she answered.
He smiled, “That explains the odor.”
“What odor?” she asked, puzzled.
“The fart smell,” he relied. “Oh, I get it — you’re a scented candle!”
Exasperated, he rolled his eye’s at her. Even more upset, she responded, saying, “While you’re rolling your eyes into the back of your head, don’t forget to look for your brain.”
My wife asked me, “You do know what my favorite flower is?”
I answered, “Yes, it’s Gold Medal.”
“Hey, you ate my taco!”
I was walking behind my wife, when I casually said, “You’re bottom is getting as big as a washing machine.”
She didn’t respond as we continued walking.
That night, I was feeling frisky, when she stopped my advances, saying, “I’m not starting this washing machine for such a small load. I’m afraid you’ll have to that by hand.”
“Can I ask a stupid question?” he wanted to know.
She smiled, “Better than anyone else I know.”
I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
“I’ll have the rump steak, rare, please.”
He said, “Aren’t you worried about the mad cow?”
“Nah, she can order for herself.”
His wife screamed, “A bee,’ as it landed on her forehead.
He was close enough to swat at it — with a shovel.
“So, what’s on the television?” she asked.
Without batting an eye, he relied, “Dust.”
He asked his wife, “Now that you’re done shaving your legs, you gonna give that to ‘Locks for Love?'”
A few years ago, I bought my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift. The following year, I didn’t buy her a gift. When she asked me why, I replied, “Well, you still haven’t used the gift I bought you last year!”