Tom Darby's Notebook

No rules. Jus' write.

My Cousin Elmo Says…

My Cousin Elmo says, “Jacksons Hole, Wyoming is closed because of snow. Now if we could figure out how to get Texas Congresswoman Sheila Jackson to close her hole.”

My Cousin Elmo says, “It’s in the nature of the Progressive to argue about the laws of gravity, but they also have to reframe the facts first.”

My Cousin Elmo says, “Next thing you know robbing banks in sanctuary cities will be legal — they’ll simply call them ‘undocumented withdrawals.'”

My Cousin Elmo says, “The fight over which inauguration had the larger crowd continues. That’s Progressives for you – they say size doesn’t matter – but then…”

My Cousin Elmo says, “When asked if I were going to watch the Superbowl, I didn’t have enough Budweiser beer to snort out my noses while laughing.”

My Cousin Elmo says, “I’m old enough to remember when the Super Bowl was about football and not politics.”

My Cousin Elmo says, “If I was a woman and I worked as a fashion model, I’d be pissed that a woman, who was once a man, had taken my high paying job!”

My Cousin Elmo says, “I’m too young for LifeAlert and to grown up for Twitter.”

My Cousin Elmo says, “California doesn’t want to pay federal taxes because President Trump is violating the 10th Amendment. Maybe gun owners can get out of paying their state taxes since California is violating the 2nd Amendment.”

My Cousin Elmo says, “I turned on the TV to watch the Screen Actors Guild awards show — but all I got was a Sharia Activist Group.”

My Cousin Elmo says, “We see Progressives holding signs all the time saying ‘Share the Wealth,’ but never one that reads, ‘Share the Work.'”

My Cousin Elmo says, “Iran has retaliated against President Trump’s recent so-called Muslim ban by imposing a travel ban on U.S .citizens. Well damn, there goes my summer plans.”

My Cousin Elmo says, “The average man worries about what the federal government and his wife spend. However he’s not afraid to criticize the federal government.”

My Cousin Elmo says, “We don’t need the federal government to make sure the buffalo roam and the skies are not cloudy all day.”

My Cousin Elmo says, “Male privilege is garbage man cleaning up after a million women marching to protest male privilege.”

My Cousin Elmo says, “I was told to read ‘Hayek.’ Hell, I didn’t even know the actress was a writer.”

My Cousin Elmo says, “The terror organization, Hamas is threatening violence and a Holy War if the U.S. moves its embassy to Jerusalem. Who can blame them – their threats have always worked before.”

My Cousin Elmo says, “Perspective is a strong point of view. For instance a man went to the doctor and the doctor gave him two months to live, so the man shot the doctor. The judge on the other hand gave the man life.”

My Cousin Elmo says, “After yesterday, President Trump should have more than enough materials to build a wall — and more are on there way. Progressives are still shitting brick since his inauguration.”

My Cousin Elmo says, “After yesterdays ‘Million Woman’ march around the world and all the talk about vaginas and screwing over men, the World Health Organization should expect a pandemic of ear infections.”

My Cousin Elmo says, “Two circuses came to a close recently. One lasted 146- years, the other — only eight-years.”

My Cousin Elmo says, “In only one day President Trump has managed to get more fat women outside and exercising than Michelle Obama did in eight-years.”

My Cousin Elmo says, “Congressman John Lewis spoke at the Million Woman March in Washington D.C. It proves that the man is not only a pussy, but he must have one too.”

My Cousin Elmo says, “I opened the front door to my home and found a cougar standing there. Then I realized it was my wife.”

My Cousin Elmo says, “The Million Women March is happening in Washington D.C. today, where they’re talking about their vaginas. Instead of demanding chastity belts they should want straight-jackets.”

My Cousin Elmo says, “President George H.W. Bush is breathing better since being admitted to the hospital. But then after today, we all are.”

My Cousin Elmo says, “For all the help Russian President Putin gave to President Trump, I didn’t see him at the inauguration today. What gives?!”

My Cousin Elmo says, “So far more than 60 Congressional Democrats are refusing to attend President-elect Trumps inauguration. Meanwhile, the cast of ‘The Walking Dead,’ has openings for more zombies.”

My Cousin Elmo says, “Environmentalists want everyone to think we’re going to become extinct due to ‘global warming.’ Obviously, Progressives are as smart as the Piltdown Man.”

My Cousin Elmo says, “Maybe the truth doesn’t matter. Perhaps it all comes down to who looks the best while lying.”

My Cousin Elmo says, “The polls say that President-elect Trump has the lowest approval rating of anyone entering the office. But not to worry — these are the same polls that showed Hillary Clinton winning.”

My Cousin Elmo says, “Aspirin-maker Bayer has commits to invest a billion dollars in the in US. Good thing too. All these new jobs are giving Progressives a headache.”

My Cousin Elmo says, “Evidently, the smart-phone has become the number one hand held device in the world. In short, that means the penis has slipped to second place.”

My Cousin Elmo says, “Progressives continue to claim that the only way there will be peace in the Middle East is through a two-state solution. Want to understand how that won’t work — jus’ look at California.”

My Cousin Elmo says, “No wonder Ringling Brother’s is going out-of-business. Who wants to pay to watch a bunch of clowns perform when you can see them for free on C-SPAN.”

My Cousin Elmo says, “Ringling Brother’s is going out of business and many say it’s because they got rid of the elephants. That wasn’t supposed to happen. The real target was the GOP.”

My Cousin Elmo says, “So much for self-policing — BuzzFeed and CNN news feeds are still available on Facebook.”

My Cousin Elmo says, “California’s Lt. Governor wants to stop Donald Trump from building a fence between the state’s southern border and Mexico. So, maybe Trump should look at building a wall around Sacramento instead.”

My Cousin Elmo says, “The last time I heard ‘Cowboys’ and ‘Packers’ in the same sentence, the movie ‘Broke Back Mountain’ was released”

My Cousin Elmo says, “Since Congressman John Lewis claims Donald Trump’s election victory isn’t legitimate, would it be okay if others claim President Obama isn’t a legitimate Black man?”

My Cousin Elmo says, “The pissing prostitute’s story is true. The whores turned out to be Buzzfeed and CNN pissing all over journalism.”

My Cousin Elmo says, “President Obama gave the Medal Freedom to Vice-president Joe Biden — after all, for the last eight-years, Biden’s been free to say and do stupid stuff.”

My Cousin Elmo says, “Since the Black Congressional Caucus doesn’t want a painting depicting law enforcement officers as pigs removed from the capitol building, perhaps the KKK can supply a painting depicting Black looters as monkeys.”

My Cousin Elmo says, “While Trump wants to build a wall to keep illegal’s out, Progressives are busy trying to build a wall to keep Trump contained.”

My Cousin Elmo says, “By testifying against fellow-Senator Jeff Sessions’ nomination to be the next U.S. Attorney General, Cory Booker’s setting himself up to look like the next Barack Obama.”

My Cousin Elmo says, “I called my Congressman to report a problem and before I could tell him what it was, he told me not t worry, it would be resolved by noon on the 20th.”

My Cousin Elmo says, “Dairy farmers in California must collect the methane gases being expelled by their cows. State lawmakers must not know that cows have no fingers.”

My Cousin Elmo says, “Members of Code Pink dressed as Ku Klux Klan members disrupted a congressional hearing on Senator Jeff Sessions’ nomination as the next attorney general. Security obviously mistook the group for a bunch of Muslim women wearing hijabs.”

My Cousin Elmo says, “Mariah Carey’s New Year’s Eve Performance is indicative of President Obama’s last year in office — neither ended on a high note.”

My Cousin Elmo says, “The Ford Motor Company chose the U.S. over Mexico, but then, so have most Mexicans.”

My Cousin Elmo says, “It’s well known that men often think with the wrong head. Less known is the fact that women often speak with the wrong lips.”

My Cousin Elmo says, “Guys — the next time a woman says she’s as old as dirt, ask her what that tastes like. I guarantee you’re name will be mud as she slaps the dust out of you.”

My Cousin Elmo says, “Senator Chuck Schumer claims the U.S. can’t afford a ‘Twitter presidency.’ Yet we managed to survive eight-years of a ‘Twittle-Dee and Twittle-Dum presidency.”

My Cousin Elmo says, “The Better Business Bureau the lowered rating of the “MyPillow” from an A to an F following consumer complaints. Someone at the BBB must be cranky from not getting a good night’s sleep.”

My Cousin Elmo says, “Since the Progressive media didn’t bother trying to find them, I’d like to see Russia hack Barack Obama’s college transcripts.”

My Cousin Elmo says, “Happiness is not having to call my wife to get bail money on New Year’s day.”

My Cousin Elmo says, “The Progressive media is more interested in how MMA fighter Ronda Rousey was destroyed by Amanda Nunes in 48-seconds than it has been during the eight years President Obama has tried to destroy the U.S.”

My Cousin Elmo says, “It occurs to me, as my family visits Disneyland, that I’m witnessing a human trap set by a mouse.”

My Cousin Elmo say, “Every since he ran for President, Progressives have called Donald Trump ‘Hitler.’ It’s laughable since now he’s the only one defending Israel.”

My Cousin Elmo says, “John Kerry claims Israel can’t be Jewish and democratic, that has to be or the other. I’m guessing he didn’t learn anything from the U.S. election where we decided to be American and not Democrats.”

My Cousin Elmo says, “We are equal in everyway. Neither of us needs a group, a law or a government agency to make it so.”

My Cousin Elmo says, “I’m a success! I decided to go for broke and now I am.”

My Cousin Elmo says, “Even the honest Atheist will tell you that believing in ‘nothing’ is actually believing in something.”

My Cousin Elmo says, “I’m a success! I decided to go for broke and now I am.”

My Cousin Elmo says, “So many times we remember to pull up our boot and get on with life. And yet, we forget to hitch up our britches.”

My Cousin Elmo says, “It’s natural for a man to be an insomniac. After all when Adam went to sleep, he woke up married.”

My Cousin Elmo says, “The engineer who fell asleep at the controls of a train that killed four people, is getting a life-time pension for his sleep apnea. Meanwhile, U.S. veterans, who’ve risked their lives and killed terrorist as ordered, can’t get medical care from the country served.”

My Cousin Elmo says, “George Michael will not be performing at President-elect Donald Trumps inauguration. The organization GLAAD claims he died as a result of a YouTube video.”

My Cousin Elmo says, “Sixty-eight members of the Alexandrov Ensemble, the official choir of the Russian Armed Forces, died in a Christmas Eve plane crash. Democrats are ecstatic that the choir won’t be appearing at Donald Trumps’ inauguration.”

My Cousin Elmo says, “You know you’re getting old when Santa starts looking younger. Here’s wishing you and yours a very Merry Christmas!”

My Cousin Elmo says, “Grandma Got Run Over By a Reindeer. Democrats are blaming Donald Trump.”

My Cousin Elmo says, “Hillary Clinton had 2,864,974 votes more than President-elect Donald Trump. As for Trump, he had 2,864,974 less votes from illegal aliens than Hillary Clinton.”

My Cousin Elmo says, “If you think ‘Baby, its Cold Outside,’ is about date rape, maybe you’d feel better if it were a song about two guys and called ‘Buddy, its Cold Outside.'”

My Cousin Elmo says, “If the Russians really did hack the Democrats, then they should be applauded. After all, they helped the party achieve transparency.”

My Cousin Elmo says, “Donald Trump is the first man history to publicly win an argument with a woman.”

My Cousin Elmo says, “The Los Angeles Lakers are planning to build larger-than-life statue of Shaquille O’Neal in front of the Staples Center. With Shaq standing seven feet, one inch — isn’t ‘larger-than-life’ a bit of a redundancy?”

My Cousin Elmo says, “Boeing agreed to lower the costs of Air Force One from over $6 billion to around $4 billion. That means Trump ‘gentiled’ then down nearly 33-percent.”

My Cousin Elmo says, “Even if President Obama were white — he’d still be the worst president ever.”

My Cousin Elmo says, “No one knows how many Progressives it would take to defend the United States. None have ever tried.”

My Cousin Elmo says, “President Obama has told Russian President Putin to ‘cut it out,’ when it comes to hacking. He added, ‘If you don’t — I’ll tell mom!’”

My Cousin Elmo says, “Sanctuary cities plus sanctuary universities minus federal tax dollars equals higher crime rate and greater tuition costs.”

My Cousin Elmo says, “George W. Bush trusted the word of the 16 intelligence agencies and we ended up with ‘Bush lied. People died!’ Donald Trumps disputes them and it becomes, ‘How dare he impugn their integrity?'”

My Cousin Elmo says, “Yahoo says it has been hacked and that the info stolen may include names, email addresses, phone numbers, birthdates and security questions and answers. This is the same Yahoo that worked with federal spy agencies, giving them access to its user’s emails. Damn those Russians!”

My Cousin Elmo says, “As I was finishing up a piece of carrot cake this morning, I realized that it was made from the noses of snowmen.”

My Cousin Elmo says, “The only reason for a man to like Chelsea Handler is her tits. It’s her mouthiness that is unbecoming.”

My Cousin Elmo says, “My life is like an open book. So what if it’s a coloring book!”

My Cousin Elmo says, “Military academy sports events like the Army-Navy Game are the only places where all the players are willing to die for the people watching.”

My Cousin Elmo says, “I’m so glad men fight each other when they feel territorial. If they we were dog’s, as I’ve learned, we’d simply pee on everything.”

My Cousin Elmo says, “Fake news defeated Hillary like a fake video caused Benghazi.”

My Cousin Elmo says, “The Democrat Party has been resisting Republican reconstruction efforts since 1865.”

My Cousin Elmo says, “As biased as the media is I’m surprised no one has picked up on the fact that Donald Trump is forcing a Black family from their home.”

My Cousin Elmo says, “I don’t mind admitting to playing with dolls. But be warned before you make fun of me — they’re voodoo dolls.”

My Cousin Elmo says, “Anthony Weiner claims to be so broke he can’t afford therapy for sex addiction. However, he can still afford his cell-phone.”

My Cousin Elmo says, “Now that General James Mattis has been tapped for the job of Secretary Defense, there’s talk of him running for president in four years. If he does he has the perfect campaign slogan, ‘Mad Dog 20-20.'”

My Cousin Elmo says, “California lawmakers are considering bill dealing with ‘global warming’ by regulating bovine farts. Maybe they should consider dealing with their own B.S. first.”

My Cousin Elmo says, “I finally got fed up with my Windows 10 digital agent Cortana, which keeps prompting me to ask it anything. So I asked Cortana to go to Hell and it jus’ laughed at me.”

My Cousin Elmo says, “If I’m my brother’s keeper, I didn’t do a very good job. He’s dead.”

My Cousin Elmo says, “My wife never complained. Then I got hearing aides.”

My Cousin Elmo says, “Chip Bergh, the CEO of Levi Strauss is banning guns from his stores. And now you know why I wear Wranglers.”

My Cousin Elmo says, “You know society’s in pretty bad shape when the truth bothers people.”

My Cousin Elmo says, “Female friends on Facebook keep claiming that all their bras are missing. I think Donald Trump burned them.”

My Cousin Elmo says, “I pride myself on being a know-it-all, except knowing when to shut-up.”

My Cousin Elmo says, “You know society’s in pretty bad shape when the truth bothers people.”

My Cousin Elmo says, “I’ve jihad it with terrorists and those who refuse to acknowledge that it exists.”

My Cousin Elmo says, “The longer the protests go on at Standing Rock the more it looks like ‘Burning Man’ for the poor.”

My Cousin Elmo says, “I decided to do the ‘Mannequin Challenge.’ My son says it doesn’t count because I was asleep at the time.”

My Cousin Elmo says, “The latest in British research claims that passing gas will add years to your life. And if that’s the case, I’m gonna live forever!”

My Cousin Elmo says, “If the movie ‘Radio’ was remade today, Cuba Gooding, Jr.’s character would be known as ‘Bluetooth.’

My Cousin Elmo says, “Fidel Castro is dead. God has done what the CIA couldn’t!”

My Cousin Elmo says, “Cuban Dictator Fidel Castro spent his entire life battling capitalism. Its ironic that he should die on ‘Black Friday.'”

My Cousin Elmo says, “The people who raise money for politicians are proof that a fool is born every minute.”

My Cousin Elmo says, “After eating too much Thanksgiving dinner, if I weren’t already wearing sweat pants — I’d be naked.”

My Cousin Elmo says, “That can of SPAM I jus’ ate, says I’m a family of six!”

My Cousin Elmo says, “I finally quit drinking for good. But nothing says I can’t drink for evil.”

My Cousin Elmo says, “It was so cold this morning that I farted and I thought I was blowing smoke out my butt.”

My Cousin Elmo says, “I’m planning to buy myself a pair of shoes that fit my personality…loafers.”

My Cousin Elmo says, “While we get Donald Trump for President, all George Soros gets after spending $300 million is a Hillary Clinton t-shirt.”

My Cousin Elmo says, “Facebook is going to ‘crackdown’ on fake news sites. Time to say goodbye to ABC, CBS, CNN, FOX and NBC — to name a few.”

My Cousin Elmo says, “Jesus says we are to pray for our enemies. That’s why I pray for myself — I’m usually my own worst enemy.”

My Cousin Elmo says, “Historically, it can be stated that Democrats never let Republicans simply enjoy a play.”

My Cousin Elmo says, “Numbers don’t lie — but the politicians who use them — do.”

My Cousin Elmo says, “Jesus says to ‘Do unto others as you wish to be done unto.’ This includes you masochists too.”

My Cousin Elmo says, “Crime by its very nature –is ‘hate,’ thus calling something a ‘hate crime’ is a redundancy — kind of like governmental mismanagement.”

My Cousin Elmo says, “The Progressives in the GOP -controlled House are taking the building of a wall on our southern border seriously. The jus’ passed a bill that will increase the cost of cement.”

My Cousin Elmo says, “When everyone gets a trophy for participation, then nobody knows how to lose when it happens.”

My Cousin Elmo says, “President Obama is getting to keep his legacy like we got to keep our doctors.”

My Cousin Elmo says, “Donald Trump is good for the economy as the stock market hit record highs. But more importantly, he’s found work for Alec Baldwin.”

My Cousin Elmo says, “President Obama is getting to keep his legacy like we got to keep our doctors.”

My Cousin Elmo says, “Since the majority of Progressives are really the ‘flat-earthers,’ perhaps they’ll move so far left that they’ll simply fall off.”

My Cousin Elmo says, “When I was in my 20’s my safe space was my fighting hole, that I dug myself.”

My Cousin Elmo says, “After looking at last nights election map, I realized that Donald Trump has better coverage across America than Obamacare.”

My Cousin Elmo says, “I’d rather be offended by something Donald Trump says than left for dead by Hillary Clinton.”

My Cousin Elmo says, “Anthony Weiner was seen riding around a sex addiction rehab’s grounds on a horse. I wanna know – is the horse safe — and where is PETA when you need them?”

My Cousin Elmo says, “Thanks to Hillary Clinton’s so-called joke, we now know that its Anthony Weiner’s laptop that needs to be wiped down. Literally.”

My Cousin Elmo says, “I never thought I’d be thankful that a bunch of ‘Weiner-pics’ could save America.”

My Cousin Elmo says, “Those Russian hackers are better than we thought. They stole Hillary Clinton’s emails from the NSA, put them on Huma’s laptop and pinned it on Weiner.”

My Cousin Elmo says, “It’s interesting how a vagina nearly brought down Bill Clinton in the 90s and today, it’s a Weiner bringing down Hillary Clinton.”

My Cousin Elmo says, “Sometimes while listening to Donald Trump speak, I get serious flashbacks. I’m suddenly reminded of my Marine Corps Drill Instructors.”

My Cousin Elmo says, “Scientists may have found new moons circling Uranus. If that’s the case, it explains why some women shouldn’t wear yoga pants in public.”

My Cousin Elmo says, “The Obama administration is forcing 10-thousand California National Guard members to return their bonuses, but Veterans Administration officials get to keep theirs.”

My Cousin Elmo says, “When I was younger I used to watch horror movies and get scared. Now that I’m older and I see what out government is up to and all the dirty politics, I understand what real fright is.”

My Cousin Elmo says, “The Nevada secretary of state’s office on reported Democrats outpace Republican by nearly 90,000 people on Friday. No word yet on how many of those have already had funerals.”

My Cousin Elmo says, “It’s a good thing the Twitter outage happened on a Friday. Had it been any other day, all those poor journalists would have been sitting around twittling their thumbs.”

My Cousin Elmo says, “Apparently, it is more dangerous to report on voter fraud than it is to commit voter fraud according to President Obama.”

My Cousin Elmo says, “Look, I want my fifteen minutes of fame. Maybe I should claim Donald Trump touched me too.”

My Cousin Elmo says, “Who cares what Trump said back in 2005. He was Democrat then — so it wasn’t his fault.”

My Cousin Elmo says, “Finally, proof that Osama Bin Laden is actually dead. He registered to vote as a Democrat in Chicago, yesterday.”

My Cousin Elmo says, “What do you call a debate between two Progressives? A FOX news program.”

My Cousin Elmo says, “Who cares what Trump said back in 2005. He was Democrat then — so it wasn’t his fault.”

My Cousin Elmo says, “Life’s already a bitch. Don’t elect one.”

My Cousin Elmo says, “Hillary Clinton blamed Abraham Lincoln for her dishonesty during the second presidential debate. I bet ol’ Abe would rather go watch another play than another presidential debate.”

My Cousin Elmo says, “You know we’re screwed when even the press says Hillary Clinton can win because Donald Trump’s too much like her husband.”

My Cousin Elmo says, “Hillary Clinton wrote a book in the 90s titled, ‘It Takes a Village,’ and Tim Kaine’s her idiot.”

My Cousin Elmo says, “Green Bay Packers tight end Jared Cook discovered a chicken head in his Buffalo Wild Wings order on Tuesday. He still hasn’t said whether it tasted like chicken or not.”

My Cousin Elmo says, “Alicia Keys, Tamron Hall, Kim Kardashian and Gabrielle Union among others are all going makeup-free these days in order to stop being pressured to be perfect. Secretly though — they don’t want to be mistaken for clowns.”

My Cousin Elmo says, “Perhaps I’m too White because White Privilege isn’t working for me.”

My Cousin Elmo says, “Both CNN and MSNBC have announced that Hillary Clinton won the next debate.”

My Cousin Elmo says, “A new survey says that one in 10 people use their cell phones during sex. And most say it doesn’t affect their driving at all.”

My Cousin Elmo says, “In the recent presidential debate, Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump came to a draw. It was Lester Holt who lost.”

My Cousin Elmo says, “When it comes to Muslim refugees, Sweden appears to be suffering from Stockholm syndrome.”

My Cousin Elmo says, “Bloomberg TV plans to fact check both Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump during their first presidential debate. In order to prevent cheating on Trumps part, they’ve hired FBI Director James Comey to oversee the project.”

My Cousin Elmo say, “I read a news headline that claimed, ‘Billions of fleas with massive penises are about to invade your bedroom.’ Its okay — my wife won’t sleep with them either.”

My Cousin Elmo says, “It was a homeless guy who found the bombs in New Jersey and called the cops. Guess you can say the U.S. is being protected by ‘The Department of Homeless Security.'”

My Cousin Elmo says, “President Obama claimed that the Clinton Foundation has saved thousands of lives while out stumping for Hillary. The question is can the foundation save Hillary’s life?”

My Cousin Elmo says, “With our country going to hell in a hand basket, Hillary has told us exactly what will be in it when it gets there.”

My Cousin Elmo says, “Obamacare and 94 million American have one thing in common — neither are working.”

My Cousin Elmo says, “The entire San Francisco football team is reportedly going to join Colin
Kaepernick in protesting the National Anthem on Sunday. It’ll be the first bit of real teamwork anyone’s seen from the Niners in a couple of years.”

My Cousin Elmo says, “The difference between Hillary Clinton and Hindenburg is that one is a flaming bag of gas while the other is a dirigible.”

My Cousin Elmo says, “I opened my mouth to yell at a driver who cut me off — and my foot fell out.”

My Cousin Elmo says, “I thought my cousin forgot to wish me a ‘Happy Labor Day,’ then I remembered he’s been out of work for three years now.”

My Cousin Elmo says, “The one thing no one has been able to find in Hillary’s emails is anything about yoga.”

My Cousin Elmo says, “Hillary and Huma claim they can manage the White House staff, but in reality — they can’t even manage their husband’s staffs.”

My Cousin Elmo says, “Although it denied bias, Facebook changed its news feed bar to end biases, meaning it admits they were there in the first place.”

My Cousin Elmo says, “Nixon opened relations with China while Reagan opened the Berlin Wall. Meanwhile Hillary opened a jar of pickles.”

My Cousin Elmo says, “Cops had to bust up a party that Malia Obama was involved in. Don’t be shocked — if she’s gonna be like her daddy — she gotta start somewhere.”

My Cousin Elmo says, “Black Lives Matter isn’t in Louisiana because you can’t burn buildings that are underwater.”

My Cousin Elmo says, “One should not do anything incredibly stupid when calling others stupid! Oops — too late.”

My Cousin Elmo says, “President Obama is like Emperor Nero who ‘fiddled while Rome burned.’ In Obama’s case his golfed while Milwaukee burned and as Louisiana drowned.”

My Cousin Elmo says, “I was born great — and its all been down hill since.”

My Cousin Elmo says, “CBS News is reporting that Lake Mead near Las Vegas is drying up. If it’s so, maybe this is God’s way of breaking the Democratic strong-hold over Southern Nevada.”

My Cousin Elmo says, “If kids these days don’t stop complaining about everything were gonna have to change, ‘Life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness,’ to ‘Life, liberty and the pursuit of helplessness.'”

My Cousin Elmo says, “The New World Order Pope Francis plus President Hillary Clinton will equal Hell on Earth.”

My Cousin Elmo says, “Sixty-seven percent of Americans, when asked say they don’t want the Clinton’s back in the White House. The other 33-percent still want to know who these Clintons’ were that the pollsters kept asking about.”

My Cousin Elmo says, “The FBI is warning local law enforcement to be aware of threats made against them by the ‘Black Guerrilla Family.’ Evidently, being call ‘monkey’ isn’t enough.”

My Cousin Elmo says, “Warren Buffet claims Donald Trump’s afraid to release his tax returns. Evidently, Buffet doesn’t know that releasing them isn’t required by the U.S. Constitution in order to run for President.”

My Cousin Elmo says, “Pope Francis says that if he has to talk about Islamic violence, he has to also talk about Catholic violence. I’m pretty sure he’s not meaning Democratic VP nominee Tim Kaine’s kind of un-Catholic violence though.”

My Cousin Elmo says, “Ford and Jose Cuervo are teaming up to make car parts out of the byproducts of tequila production, which kind of defeats the purpose of ‘don’t drink and drive.”

My Cousin Elmo says, “The character ‘Commander Data,’ from ‘Star Trek, the Next Generation,’ must have been a Progressive too. He didn’t understand sarcasm or humor either.”

My Cousin Elmo says, “Jumping the fence at the border will get you invited to the Democratic National Convention. Jumping the fence at the DNC will get you arrested.”

My Cousin Elmo says, “President Obama certainly painted a rosy picture of the economy, national security and society as a whole during his DNC speech. To bad he failed to mention that most of those roses are dead.”

My Cousin Elmo says, “It took less technology for American’s to landed on the moon in 1969 than it does to catch a Pokémon today.”

My Cousin Elmo says, “My refrigerator is running — and I plan to vote for it!”

My Cousin Elmo says, “President Obama has been briefed on the murders of three Baton Rouge law enforcement officers. He has not released a statement as of yet, so no further violence is expected at the moment.”

My Cousin Elmo says, “It must be easier to buy a truck in France than a book or a computer.”

My Cousin Elmo says, “If Black people are convinced that White people want to kill them, and then protesting in the middle of the road, blocking traffic is like begging for a funeral.”

My Cousin Elmo says, “When it comes to the argument between whether ‘Black Lives Matter,’ ‘Blue Lives Matter’ or ‘All Lives Matter,’ the real truth is that to the federal government, ‘No Lives Matter'”

My Cousin Elmo says, “Now that Andrew Jackson’s being replaced by Harriet Tubman on the $20 bill, the U.S. Treasury should put Caitlyn Jenner on the three-dollar bill.”

My Cousin Elmos says, “It’s funny that environmental activists in Reno are celebrating Earth Day inside because of rain. It’s proof that God does have a sense of humor.”

My Cousin Elmo says, “I should have known better after reading the fine print saying, ‘In the event of a criminal investigation in regard to any income tax return we help you file, we promise to try every option we can possibly think of before finally turning state’s evidence against you.’”

My Cousin Elmo says, “Hillary Clinton and Bernie Sanders accused each other of not being qualified to be president. And you know what — they’re both right!”

My Cousin Elmo says, “It’s ironic that President Dwight Eisenhower, who warned the U.S of the ‘rise of the military industrial complex,’ also provided the National Interstate System on which that military could gain access to the entire nation.”

My Cousin Elmo says, “In biblical times an ass that spoke was considered a miracle. Today all we have to do is turn on the television or radio if we want to hear an ass speak.”

My Cousin Elmo says, “I don’t exercise because I don’t want to spill my coffee.”

My Cousin Elmo says, “In recent interview Former U.S. Defense Secretary Robert Gates is claiming that President Obama ‘double-crossed’ him. He’ll have to get in line as Obama double-crossed all of America.”

My Cousin Elmo says, “Bra-cups are no good — you can’t even drink from one!”

My Cousin Elmo says, “Las Vegas hotel and casino developer Steve Wynn claims that, ‘Nobody likes being around poor people.’ I find that quite odd – I like being around myself and I make great company – jus’ don’t ask me to buy you anything.”

My Cousin Elmo says, “Ordinarily, staring is creepy. But if you spread your attention across many individuals, then it’s just people watching.”

My Cousin Elmo says, “A Fresno man recently climbed a rock and got stuck while proposing to his girlfriend, then had to be rescued. Stuck…little does he know.”

My Cousin Elmo says, “The website ‘Total Beauty’ is under fire for confusing Whoopi Goldberg for Oprah Winfrey. You can’t blame the website though; it’s difficult to tell one Progressive from another.”

My Cousin Elmo says, “I find it interesting that since Austin ‘Chumlee’ Russell’s arrest in connection with a sexual assault investigation, no one is pressuring Disney–ABC to cancel the reality show “Pawn Stars.”

My Cousin Elmo says, “It doesn’t pay to ‘go commando’ while wearing zippered jeans.”

My Cousin Elmo says, “Scientists claim that Neanderthals and Human Beings interbred about 100,000 years ago and now we know where Bernie Sanders came from.”

My Cousin Elmo says, “God should be allowed in school. He deserves a free education too.”

My Cousin Elmo says, “If the Paleo diet is supposed to be so good for you — what happened to the caveman?”

My Cousin Elmo says, “I studied abroad once — the wife wasn’t very happy.”

My Cousin Elmo says, “American IQ scores are declining. To give you an idea how bad it is — 37-percent of us think Hillary Clinton is honest and trustworthy.”

My Cousin Elmo says, “President Obama rejected the Keystone XL Pipeline, but he had a good reason – approving the pipeline would have been good for America.”

My Cousin Elmo says, “President Obama calls ISIS ‘ISIL’ and Secretary of State John Kerry calls it ‘Daesh’ while terror group calls Obama and Kerry ‘idiots.’

My Cousin Elmo says, “President Obama’s ISIS strategy now enjoys a 90 percent approval rating… among members of ISIS.”

My Cousin Elmo says, “Former Maryland Governor Martin O’Malley is still in the race for the Democratic nomination, but he isn’t getting much traction.  He’s now polling behind the Syrian refugees.”

My Cousin Elmo says, “On the Today Show, Charlie Sheen announced that he is HIV positive. That said — Sheen still looks better than Matt Lauer.”

My Cousin Elmo says, “The Fifth Circuit Court of Appeals has blocked President Obama’s executive orders on immigration. Now he’s considering an executive order to eliminate the Fifth Circuit Court of Appeals.”

My Cousin Elmo says, “Some Syrian refugees have already been settled in New Orleans, and they’re assimilating quickly. In fact, they’re already complaining about the crime!”

My Cousin Elmo says, “If life is a circle like a tire, mine needs more air.”

My Cousin Elmo says, “Most folk who claim to be ‘victims’ are delighted to have been ‘victimized’ because it lets them gain money, attention and hurt their rivals.”

My Cousin Elmo says, “Hillary Clinton’s image continues to deteriorate. To give you an idea how bad — even MSNBC’s Brian Williams is calling HER a liar.”

My Cousin Elmo says, “When Patriots won’t fight for anything, Progressives won’t see a need to compromise on anything.”

My Cousin Elmo says, “As Europe experiences an immigration crisis, Democrats are ready to help. They’re setting up voter registration tables at the borders.”

My Cousin Elmo says, “A new poll shows 68 percent of adults believe the U.S. is headed in the wrong direction. The other 32 percent are so disgusted; they’re talking about moving back to Mexico.”

My Cousin Elmo says, “Brian Williams, after more than six months in exile, is back on TV at MSNBC. Williams will be earning $10 million a year — which comes to about $1 million per viewer.”

My Cousin Elmo says, “House Speaker John Boehner is resigning. He’s realized that it next to impossible for him to cave-in to the President Obama’s agenda any more than he has.”

My Cousin Elmo says, “NBC is replacing Donald Trump with Arnold Schwarzenegger as the host of ‘The Apprentice.’ Trump claims its proof immigrants ARE stealing American jobs.”

My Cousin Elmo says, “Vice President Biden confused Pope Francis during his visit to the White House. Biden congratulated the Pope on the Cardinals having the best record in the league.”

My Cousin Elmo says, “Dr. Ben Carson said he wouldn’t support electing a Muslim president. A new poll says 71 percent of Americans think it’s too late.”

My Cousin Elmo says, “My next door neighbor’s son proposed to his girlfriend by giving her a belly-button ring. I’m guessing its a naval engagement.”

My Cousin Elmo says, “Wisconsin Governor Scott Walker may have dropped out of the GOP race too soon. The latest polls show Walker well ahead of Jim Gilmore – which begs the question – WHO?”

My Cousin Elmo says, “A new poll says 75 percent of Americans see widespread corruption in government. As for the other 25 percent – they’re afraid to open their eyes!”

My Cousin Elmo says, “Glamour magazine has named Kaitlyn Jenner as its ‘Woman of the Year.’ What balls!”

My Cousin Elmo says, “A new study shows the average teenager lies five times a day, unlike Hillary Clinton who lies every time she opens her mouth.”

My Cousin Elmo says, “Dairy farmers need to cover up their cows and calves when they’re nipple-feeding in public.”

My Cousin Elmo says, “The National Enquirer’s reporting that the Kardashian family’s falling apart, but on the upside, plastic surgeon’s say they can save them.”

My Cousin Elmo says, “One day YouTube, Twitter and Facebook will be combined into one, called ‘You Twit Face.'”

My Cousin Elmo says, “The difference between Sarah Palin and Michelle Obama is Playboy verses National Geographic.”

My Cousin Elmo says, “Before he made his final decision not to run for president, Joe Biden supposedly enjoyed a 90 percent support… among television news anchors.”

My Cousin Elmo says, “Scientists say elephant genes hold clues for fight against cancer. It comes with a side affect though – a craving for peanuts.”

My Cousin Elmo says, “Coffee has always been a part of my five-year plan for the past 50 years.”

My Cousin Elmo says, “The world’s most expensive hotel suite is at The Mark in New York City at 75 thousand dollars a night. The hotel is so fancy, the housekeepers are legal immigrants.”

My Cousin Elmo says, “National Geographic is making a movie based on Bill O’Reilly’s book, “Killing Reagan.” Meanwhile, O’Reilly is writing another book about President Obama called “Killing America.”

My Cousin Elmo says, “Relations between the U.S. and Russia are bad. In fact, they’re so bad President Obama has ‘unfriended’ Vladimir Putin on Facebook.”

My Cousin Elmo says, “Before he made his final decision not to run for president, Joe Biden supposedly enjoyed a 90 percent support… among television news anchors.”

My Cousin Elmo says, “The National Enquirer’s reporting that the Kardashian family’s falling apart, but on the upside, plastic surgeon’s say they can save them.”

My Cousin Elmo says, “Dr. Ben Carson said he wouldn’t support electing a Muslim president. A new poll says 71 percent of Americans think it’s too late.”

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