My Cousin Elmo Says…

“All Trump has to do to get his poll numbers up is wait for Hillary to give a speech.”

“Seth Rich’s shooting death wasn’t a case of random gun violence. Had it been, Democrats would have used it to lobby for more anti-gun laws.”

“The media has spent more time on Ben Jacobs’ broken glasses than on Seth Rich’s murder.”

“Don’t judge me by the people I hang out with. Instead, judge me by the people I avoid.”

“‘Globalism’ is a Libyan putting a bomb made with Polish nails in a Chinese backpack to blow up a concert by an American singer in England.”

“It’s almost summer and in some places in the U.S., especially on university campuses, it’s still snowflaking.”

“It’s too bad that the media can’t find a single link between terrorists and terror attacks.”

“Only in Washington D.C. is there shock when a politician lies. Everywhere else in the U.S., it’s a given.”

“Nearly every politician in Washington D.C seems to disregard the U.S. Constitution until they’re called to testify before Congress. Then the only amendment that they can remember is the Fifth.”

“Bangkok; two dirty words, one nasty city.”

“You know you live in a ‘redneck’ world when you’re bowling and you ask a woman for her number and she says ‘Lanes 23 and 24.'”

“As my wife watched the Royal Wedding on TV, I couldn’t help but notice how well 92-year-old Queen Elizabeth navigated the steps of the church — compared to how a much younger Hillary Clinton can’t.”

“If you’re waiting for the deer population to rise up against humanity — don’t worry — we still have the Second Amendment to protect us.”

“Facebook says it’s teaming up with Qualcomm to work on high-speed wireless Internet. Translation: ‘We wanna get the fake news to you quicker.’”

“Sorry that I didn’t answer my cellphone when you called me. But I don’t have an app for that.”

“My wife and I have the perfect agreement. I make the plans and she alters them.”

“If one more person asks me about whether I hear, ‘Yanni’ or ‘Laurel,’ I’m gonna find a ‘laurel’ and stuff it up their ‘yanni.’

“Remember when Americans didn’t give two-cents notice about a British Royal Wedding?…Pepperidge Farms remembers.”

“Ahhh…yet another royal wedding I can’t wait to miss.”

“Forget about all the talk of waterboarding terrorists, make them watch ‘The View’ instead.”

“Now we know what the MS in MSNBC really stands for.”

“What’s being calling a ‘hashtag’ was called the ‘pound’ sign at one time. So imagine my surprise when the ‘pound-me-too,’ movement became a news story.”

“The more I learn about the investigation into President Trump, the more I think Robert Mueller’s trying to replace Lady Liberty with Stormy Daniels.”

“Should common sense ever make a comeback, some politician will figure out a way to tax it.”

“Everytime I hear someone complain that they have a bladder the ‘size of a pea,’ I think ‘depending on how it’s spelled, we all have a bladder the size of a pee.’”

“The newest fashion trend is kid’s dying their hair gray. If you ask me, that’s misappropriating the ‘Senior Citizen’ culture.”

“If I get any fatter, I’m going to need a ‘wide load’ sign jus’ to pass through the kitchen.”


“We’re not teaching our dogs very well anymore. When I was a kid every dog knew to stay out of the way when I was swinging a stick.”

“I asked my wife if we could buy a riding lawn mower. She answered, ‘Are you crazy?’ Had to remind her that I take medicine for exactly that reason.”

“Back in my day we had a variation of today’s ‘Fidget Spinner.’ We called it twiddling your thumbs.”

“There might be 12 laws of karma, but the only one you need to remember is the one where karma sneaks up and kicks you in butt.”

“Following an election night phone call with Trump, Obama called him ‘nothing but a bullshitter.’ As grandpa used to say, ‘Better the bullshitter than the bullshit.'”

“Impeachment requires proof of ‘high crimes and misdemeanors,’ but so far all Trump can be accuses of is pissing off Democrats and the media.”

“I remember when long distance telephone calls took 15 minutes to complete. Now I use my wife’s cellphone to call my cellphone when I can’t find it.”

“Breaking news: the news is broken!”

“I remember when long distance telephone calls took 15 minutes to complete. Now I use my wife’s cellphone to call my cellphone when I can’t find it.”

“I must be getting old. I looked at the pitbull but forgot to look at the woman the dog was walking.”

“It’s not really hoarding if it’s books, right?”

“Don’t call me a crazy old man. I may prove you right and I don’t think you’ll like it.”

“I’m sure glad yawning is more contagious than farting.”

“Remember that ‘taco tummy’ eventually leads to ‘burrito butt.’

“Never do anything half ass. Be a complete ass or be nothing.”

“President Obama claims he may have eaten lead paint as a little kid. If he did, that would explain a lot of things.”

“For the second time today I grabbed my wallet thinking it was my cellphone. It doesn’t ring either.”

“My wife says peeing on her rose bushes doesn’t count as naked gardening.”

“I planned to do some naked gardening but a bottle of whiskey got in my way.”

“That high horse most folks ride is really a jack-ass.”

“An Australian restaurant’s selling donkey-meat burgers and you can bet they taste like ass.”

“I asked the waitress for a ‘quickie,’ and she slapped my face. My wife tells me it’s pronounced ‘Quiche.'”

“I used to feel bad for the old man sitting in a diner, eating by himself. But now I get it, he was actually getting away from his wife and sister-in-law.”

“My wife says Bill Cosby was found guilty because the proof was in the pudding.”

“Now that Prince Harry and Meghan Markle have said they don’t want traditional wedding gift’s, what am I going to do with this toaster?”

“The FBI was created in response to organized crime. Now, the FBI is the organized crime.”

“People who refuse to buy into what I say can’t afford me.”

“Jennifer Lawrence’s latest movie ‘Red Sparrow’ is due out March 2. Waiting to hear her torpedo it too by mouthing off about President Trump.”

“Think about it: we squint at the sun because it’s bright and at people because they’re not.”

“The difference between ‘winter fat’ and ‘spring rolls’ is the time of year.”

“Okay, if they’re going to start calling themselves ‘Scouts BSA,’ what does the ‘B’ stand for? Asking for a transsexual friend.”

“Everyone keeps asking me what I’d do for a Klondike Bar, but nobody ever asks me what I’d do for a cup of coffee.”

“I think I’ve come up with a solution to end school shootings. Ban all federally funded schools.”

“The headline reads: ‘Thousands of 20-pound rodents are invading California.’ But I’ll bet all politicians in the state weigh more than 20-pounds each.”

“Kate Gosselin’s going to star on a new reality show called ‘Kate Plus Date.’ If all goes well the spin-off will be called “Kate IS Late.”

“When President Trump first denied ‘global warming,’ I’ll bet he never thought he’d be taking heat about ‘Stormy Daniels.'”

“Don’t be surprised if one day, the Ninth Circuit Court overturns Kim Jong Un’s decision and orders North Korea to resume nuclear testing.”

“Polls says that President-elect Trump has the lowest approval rating of anyone entering the office. But not to worry — these are the same polls that showed Hillary Clinton winning.”

“IQ tests are bogus. I scored a 143, which is supposed to be somewhere around the genius level. In truth though, I’m jus’ as stupid as the next guy.”

“I’m so aware of my own B.S. that sometimes I think I’m living in an outhouse.”

“There’s a new product on the market call a ‘Smart Condom.’ Says it’ll track my performance and judge me — kinda like a wife.”

“Scientists have discovered a new species of ant that literally explodes, killing itself to protect the colony. They should name it the ‘Terrorist ant’ in honor of ISIS.”

“I always thought of myself as the cat’s meow. That’s until it coughed up a fur ball.”

“The IRS has already cashed the check I sent them. So all those pot-holes — they should be filled by the end of the week.”

“The Pentagon claims the missile attack on Syria was a limited airstrike with no boots on the ground. Using that definition, so was the 1941 Japanese attack on Pearl Harbor.”

“Perhaps Congress will consider making Reverend Billy Graham’s birthday a holiday, unless Social Justice Warriors object because he’s too White and too southern.”

“My wife says I ought to watch the curling events at the Olympics in South Korea. She claims that it’s proof that a man can learn to use a broom properly.”

“Today’s tax day, so don’t forget to pay them. There are 22 million illegals depending on you.”

“Sure, blood’s thicker than water — meaning water’s easier to drink.”

“I turned on the TV to watch the Screen Actors Guild awards show — but all I got was a Sharia Activist Group.”

“Both the Democratic and Republican Parties are private corporations and Congress is worried about ‘Facebook.'”

“Even if President Obama were white — he’d still be the worst president ever.”

“Oprah Winfrey visited Pelican Bay State Prison in Crescent City, California for CBS’s ’60 Minutes.’ Unfortunately, they let her out afterwards.”

“Great! NASA is going to take a look at Jupiter’s red spot but the VA won’t take a look at mine!”

“Seth Rich’s shooting death wasn’t a case of random gun violence. Had it been, Democrats would have used it to lobby for more anti-gun laws.”

“He said I should walk a mile in his shoes, so I agreed. I had no idea at the time that he was a men’s size seven.”

“Adulting is hard. Especially if you’re in Congress.”

“The founder of IKEA, Ingvar Kamprad has died at age 91. They needed an Allen wrench to assemble his coffin.”

“It’s natural for a man to be an insomniac. After all when Adam went to sleep, he woke up married.”

“I stopped watching the ‘Walking Dead,’ a long time ago. Reminded me too much of Congress.”

“California’s Lt. Governor wants to stop Donald Trump from building a fence between the state’s southern border and Mexico. So, maybe Trump should look at building a wall around Sacramento instead.”

“The last time I heard ‘Cowboys’ and ‘Packers’ in the same sentence the movie ‘Broke Back Mountain’ was released”

“There are unforeseen consequences caused by millennial’s eating laundry detergent pods. All the brown and yellow stains in their underwear have disappeared. Now they have no idea which is the front and which is the back.”

“Evidently, Nancy Pelosi expects the federal government to shutdown for a while. She’s already gotten herself another job — as a guest judge on ‘RuPaul’s Drag Race All Stars.'”

“George Bush held his tongue for nearly eight-years. Barack Obama only lasted eight days.”

“The Ford Pinto turned 47 years old recently. Went to celebrate by lighting some candles and the damned thing caught fire and burned down.”

“Time’s have really changed. I can remember when eating soap was meant as a punishment and not a challenge.”

“Warren Buffet claims Donald Trump’s afraid to release his tax returns. Evidently, Buffet doesn’t know that releasing them isn’t required by the U.S. Constitution in order to run for President.”

“It’s hard to believe that two people are dead from a murder-suicide shooting at UCLA. After all there are signs everywhere saying the campus is a ‘gun-free zone.’”

“Congressman John Lewis spoke at the Million Woman March in Washington D.C. It proves that the man is not only a pussy, but he must have one too.”

“It’s hard to tell which is worse, sexual harassment or revenge porn. With revenge porn a person stands a chance at making money. With sexual harassment — not so much.”

“Millennials are taking up a new challenge: eating laundry detergent pods. Apparently, they’ll do anything to get out of work.”

“I’m a success! I decided to go for broke and now I am.”

“Ironic that the two ‘lightning rods’ of the black vs. white culture wars, Barack Obama and Colin Kaepernick, are both half-white.”

“Evidently, the smart-phone has become the number one hand-held device in the world. In short, that means the penis has slipped to second place.”

“During an interview about her book, Hillary Clinton claimed that she lost the election because ‘women can’t think for themselves.’ I wonder what women will think of that?”

“Playboy’s November 2017 Playmate centerfold is French transgender model Ines Rau. It’s getting to the point that it isn’t safe to take the magazine into the bathroom anymore.”

“A University of Maine student discovered an unknown species of wasp and named it Ormocerus dirigoius. That’s a fancy way of saying, ‘still an a-hole with wings.'”

“Trump is scheduled to pardon his first turkey next week. I’m praying it isn’t Obama.”

“You know I have a problem, when as a ‘man of words’, even I think I talk too much.”

“I thought it was raining, but I was wrong. Turns out it was the Snowflakes having a meltdown after Trump banned transgendered people from military duty.”

“It’s well-known that men often think with the wrong head. Less known is the fact that women often speak with the wrong lips.”

“I always thought so-called comedian and anti-Trumper Louis C.K. was a jerk-off. Then he admits to masturbating in front of several female associates.”

“Maybe the truth doesn’t matter. Perhaps it all comes down to who looks the best while lying.”

“The only man that ever really had to worry about ‘change,’ was Adam. After all, he fell asleep and when he woke up, he was married to Eve.”

“I heard Chester Bennington from the band Linkin Park committed suicide. Exactly when was he scheduled to testify against Hillary Clinton?”

“It occurs to me, as my family visits Disneyland, that I’m witnessing a human trap set by a mouse.”

“‘People’ magazine is scheduled to name its ‘Sexiest Man Alive,’ today and I’m thinking Harvey Weinstein didn’t make the cut.”

“Princess Kate Middleton gave birth to boy and it’s said that he is ‘doing well,’ which is an understatement. The kid’s already a wealthy prince.”

“I have been informed that real ‘butthole bread’ comes from a dressing-stuffed turkey. I’m skipping Thanksgiving dinner this year.”

“Asprin-maker Bayer has commits to invest a billion dollars in the in U.S. Good thing too, all these new jobs are giving politicians a headache.”

“There are only two sexes. Anything else is a mental health disorder.”

“Last week I got lost driving through the ‘Beaver State.’ Now I know what it’s like to be dumber than a Oregonian pussy.”

“My wife says I shouldn’t post so much to Facebook and my son says I post too much to Facebook. Oh, what’s a husband and father to do? Answer: post much to Facebook.”

“There’s a difference between the Democrats of the 1960s and Democrats of today. Back then they wanted to put a man on the moon. Today, they want to put a man in the women’s bathroom.”

“In only one day President Trump has managed to get more fat women outside and exercising than Michelle Obama did in eight-years of her forced policy.”

“Donald Trump is the first man in history to publicly win an argument with a woman.”

“President George H.W. Bush is breathing better since being admitted to the hospital. But then after today’s presidential election, we all are.”

“The same people who are making a big stink about sexual harassment are the same people who claim it’s okay for men to use a woman’s restroom.”

“Geraldo Rivera claims that we haven’t heard the last of O.J. Simpson. Unfortunately, we haven’t heard the last from Geraldo either.”

“My wife doesn’t give me ‘To Do’ lists because she thinks they cause me to procrastinate. Instead she calls it a “GET IT DONE!’ list.”

“Groundhog ‘Punxsutawney Phil’ saw his shadow Friday morning. That means another year of Trump winning.”

“As I was finishing up a piece of carrot cake this morning, I realized that it was made from the nose of a snowman.”

“I’m not a White man, I’m an American.”

“John Kerry claims Israel can’t be Jewish and democratic, that has to be or the other. I’m guessing he didn’t learn anything from the U.S. election where we decided to be American and not Democrats.”

“Since the media didn’t bother trying to find them, I’d like to see Russia hack Barack Obama’s college transcripts.”

“If Black people are convinced that White people want to kill them, then protesting in the middle of the road, blocking traffic is like begging for a funeral.”

“President Trump is planning to release all the file’s on the Kennedy Assassination. Once he does the media is going to claim he colluded with the Russians to get the job done.”

“The media claims that hundreds of people gathered in Hollywood for a pair of marches protesting sexual harassment over the weekend. I find the story hard to believe — nothing was burned or looted.”

“California lawmakers are considering bill dealing with ‘global warming’ by regulating bovine farts. Maybe they should consider dealing with their own B.S. first.”

“Wait till I get my hands on the person who told my dog’s that this is the Year of the Dog!”

“I bet that if Trump came out in favor of oxygen, the media would suffocate themselves trying to prove collusion with the Russians”

“I give neither the federal government or any state government authority over my penis. That right, I reserve only to myself.”

“My refrigerator is running — and I plan to vote for it!”

“The U.S. Census Bureau says Idaho is the fastest growing state. In other words — there goes the neighborhood.”

“Members of Code Pink dressed as Ku Klux Klan members disrupted a congressional hearing on Senator Jeff Sessions’ nomination as the next attorney general. Security obviously mistook the group for a bunch of Muslim women wearing hijabs.”

“I spent my time in the service avoiding K-P duty — then I got married.”

“Someone needs to tell Florida Congresswoman Frederica Wilson she’s not Captain Fantastic and that Elton John wore the costume better.”

“Since the majority of Progressives are really the ‘flat earthers,’ perhaps they’ll move so far left that they’ll simply fall off.”

“The longer the protests go on at Standing Rock the more it looks like ‘Burning Man’ for the poor.”

“People keep talking about a civil war. One side has most of the guns while the other side’s confused about which bathroom to use.”

“Boeing agreed to lower the costs of Air Force One from over $6 billion to around $4 billion. That means Trump ‘gentiled’ then down nearly 33-percent.”

“I keep seeing online ads for men’s bracelets that are supposedly made from unique stones. Those stones have be the one’s taken from the once-real man’s scrotum.”

“The Better Business Bureau the lowered rating of the “MyPillow” from an A to an F following consumer complaints. Someone at the BBB must be cranky from not getting a good night’s sleep.”

“The entire San Francisco football team is reportedly going to join Colin Kaepernick in protesting the National Anthem on Sunday. It’ll be the first bit of real teamwork anyone’s seen from the Niners in a couple of years.”

“If yelling ‘fire’ in a crowded theater is against the law, is yelling ‘Allahu Akbar’ in a crowded theater also against the law?”

“President Obama certainly painted a rosy picture of the economy, national security and society as a whole during his DNC speech. To bad he failed to mention that most of those roses are dead.”

“The number one cause of Global Warming will soon be man-made due to the number of candlelight vigils held following a terror attack.”

“Nearly every politician in Washington D.C seems to disregard the U.S. Constitution until they’re called to testify before Congress. Then the only amendment that they can remember is the Fifth.”

“If an Ariana Grande concert’s the best England can do to fight Islamic terrorism, then as a country, they’re screwed.”

“Since Congressman John Lewis claims Donald Trump’s election victory isn’t legitimate, would it be okay if others claim President Obama isn’t a legitimate Black man?”

“The latest in British research claims that passing gas will add years to your life. And if that’s the case, I’m gonna live forever!”

“There’s a severe outbreak of Norovirus in California caused by not washing one’s hands after going to the bathroom — quick, someone go shake hands with the Governor.”

“In North Korea, there are only 28 state-sanctioned hair styles allowed. Fortunately, for men, Kim Jong Un’s haircut isn’t one of them.”

“It took less technology for American’s to landed on the moon in 1969 than it does to catch a Pokemon today.”

“I’ve never been groped by Donald Trump, but we’ve all been screwed by Barack Obama.”

“When you think about all the sexual harassment and rape accusations coming out of Hollywood, it’s no wonder they’re so anti-gun in Tinsel-town.”

“At first I thought I smelled ‘love’ in the air. I was mistaken — it was coffee — but I was pretty close.”

“President Obama has been briefed on the murders of three Baton Rouge law enforcement officers. He has not released a statement as of yet, so no further violence is expected at the moment.”

“Most folks go by the simple saying ‘Live, laugh, and love.’ Not me. I prefer, ‘Boobs, bacon, and beer.'”

“In her new book, Hillary Clinton claims her ‘skin crawled’ during her debates with Donald Trump. That’s what happens to snakes when they shed.”

“While everyone’s up set over President Trump’s supposed ‘shithole countries’ comment, there are still a number of us worried about a number of ‘shitholes’ in Congress.”

“Iran has retaliated against President Trump’s recent Muslim ban by imposing a travel ban on U.S .citizens. Well damn, there goes my summer plans.”

“Maybe I should run for political office. That way, as the media digs up dirt on me, they they can clean out my closets and help find my truck keys, too.”

“CNN’s outraged that President Trump called the NYC terrorist an ‘animal.’ I am too. Animals make better people than terrorists.”

“No wonder Ringling Brother’s is going out-of-business. Who want’s to pay to watch a bunch of clowns perform when you can see them for free on C-SPAN.”

“I thought I had a nasty rash developing in my crotch-area — turned out to be cheese-puff dust.”

“Senator Elizabeth Warren says Donald Trump sounded like a ‘two-bit dictator’ during his speech at GOP Convention. And yet, that’s better than sounding like a ‘two-bit whore,’ like her and Hillary Clinton.”

“I’ve figured out how women are going to take over the corporate world — they’re going to accuse men of sexual harassment until the entire gender’s out-of-work.”

“While getting an award from Joe Biden, an emotional Senator John McCain warned against ‘half-baked, spurious nationalism.’ Don’t worry Senator, after eating Obama’s crap for eight-year, I can handle anything Trump dishes out.”

“Perhaps I’m too White because White Privilege isn’t working for me.”

“People often call me an ‘a-hole,’ but I’m not. I’m a hemorrhoid. I irritate a-holes.”

We’ve become so used to ‘fake news,’ that when the Pentagon recently admitted that UFO’s are real, no one freaked out.”

“I was born great — and its all been down hill since.”

“I bet those rioting and looting in the name of democracy won’t get participation trophies — and that’ll really leave them butt-hurt.”

“Some college professor says Houston deserves to flood since the majority of Texas voted Trump. Sadly, much of Houston voted for Hillary.”

“From how the media are treating the Roy Moore allegations, you’d think he crashed his car in a creek while drunk, leaving a woman to drown as he ran away.”

“I’d rather watch whiskey ferment than an NFL game. Actually, I’d rather drink whiskey than watch pro football.”

“A Mississippi elementary school’s changing its name from Jefferson Davis to Barack Obama. The change isn’t expected to improve the student body’s test scores though.”

“Facebook is going to ‘crackdown’ on fake news sites. Time to say goodbye to ABC, CBS, CNN, FOX and NBC — to name a few.”

“Switzerland has a new law on the books that bans the boiling of live lobsters, claiming it’s animal cruelty. Perhaps they can drown them first before they’re cooked.”

“While Trump wants to build a wall to keep illegals out, Progressives are busy trying to build a wall to keep Trump contained.”

“With all the help Texas is receiving from the Federal Government, Progressives still aren’t happy. If President Trump could walk on water Democrats would complain that he can’t swim.”

“The media will deny it, but the Democrat Party has been resisting Republican reconstruction efforts since 1865.”

“Anthony Weiner claims to be so broke he can’t afford therapy for sex addiction. However, he can still afford his cell-phone.” 

“Kathy Griffith held a press conference to complain about how she’s being treated. Then I realized it wasn’t a Saturday Night Live skit.”

“The UK’s considering classes that includes online porn, sexting, homosexuality, and transgenderism for elementary school children. So while the U.S. is stuck with Common Core, the Brits are going to get Common Whore.”

“It was so cold this morning that I farted and I thought I was blowing smoke out my butt.”

“When asked if I were going to watch the Superbowl, I didn’t have enough Budweiser beer to snort out my noses while laughing.”

“By testifying against fellow-Senator Jeff Sessions’ nomination to be the next U.S. Attorney General, Cory Booker’s setting himself up to look like the next Barack Obama.”

“Being human is dangerous to my health.”

“It’s human nature to love a circus. The problem nowadays is that everyone wants to be the ringmaster but they’re only qualified to be the monkey.”

“I was arguing with a guy online about politics. He said I had my facts all wrong, then he provided a link to CNN to prove it.”

“It must be easier to buy a truck in France than a book or a computer.”

“The woman who was fired for flipping off Trump’s motorcade has receives nearly 454-thousand job offers. So, being disrespectful, that’s all it takes to find work anymore.”

“A recall’s been issued for various XBOX systems. Meanwhile the Pentagon has decided that the game controller can be used to operate certain systems aboard nuclear subs. Sounds about right.”

“It was a homeless guy who found the bombs in New Jersey and called the cops. Guess you can say the U.S. is being protected by ‘The Department of Homeless Security.'”

“A newly released report by the CDC shows that the number of teenagers having sex has dropped over the last two years. That’s because they’re confused – no one’s really sure anymore whose a real boy or a real girl.”

“A new survey says that one in 10 people use their cell phones during sex. And most say it doesn’t affect their driving at all.”

“Hillary won’t make a good president. The last time she was officially in the White House, she had one job to do — and she outsourced that to Monica.”

“I’d rather be offended by something Donald Trump says than left for dead by Hillary Clinton.”

“Scientists may have found new moons circling Uranus. If that’s the case, it explains why some women shouldn’t wear yoga pants in public.”

“It’s hard to understand how after a few generations, Oregonian’s who came from true pioneer stalk are now dying from having to pump their own gas.”

“Guys — the next time a woman says she’s as old as dirt, ask her what that tastes like. I guarantee your name will be mud as she slaps the dust out of you.”

The Mexican drug cartel’s got guns, ISIS got guns and I all I got was a free Obama phone.”

“It’s interesting how a vagina nearly brought down Bill Clinton in the 90s and today, it’s a Weiner bringing down Hillary Clinton.”

“The Flat Earth Society wants me as member. Problem is that I’m not sure either exists.”

“A California-based think tank says the Trump administration’s plan to cut oil supplies to North Korea will end up killing tens-of-thousands of North Korean civilians. The think tank forgot to think about the tens-of-thousands of Americans a North Korean nuclear attack will kill.”

“If the Russians really did hack the Democrats, then they should be applauded. After all, they helped the party achieve transparency.”

“You know society’s in pretty bad shape when the truth bothers people.”

“Jesse Jackson has always been on shaky ground with his so-called ‘social justice’ organization, ‘Rainbow/PUSH.’ Now he has Parkinson’s disease.”

“Cows eat grass, grass becomes milk, milk becomes ice cream. Therefore, ice cream’s processed salad.”

“Jesus says we are to pray for our enemies. That’s why I pray for myself — I’m usually my own worst enemy.”

“‘America’s Got Talent’ star Simon Cowell fell down some stairs while getting a glass of warm milk and had to be taken to the hospital. Had that been me falling down, the first question on everyone’s mind would be, ‘Jus’ how drunk was he?'”

“California doesn’t want to pay federal taxes because President Trump is violating the 10th Amendment. Maybe gun owners can get out of paying their state taxes since California is violating the 2nd Amendment.”

“It appears Lulu the black lab failed out of a CIA bomb sniffing class. It’s either that or she can smell B.S. before she see’s it.”

“Because of the National Anthem protests the NFL’s eliminating the Green Bay Packers and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers. They’ll form one team called the Tampacks. They’ll be good for one period and have no second string.”

“‘Political scientists rank Trump last, Lincoln first in presidential greatness survey.’ So there really is a science behind lying!”

“‘Experimental treatment reduces Alzheimer’s in mice.’ Now, if only they could the same for the media’s memory.”

“Progressives are like Christmas lights, they all hang together, half of them don’t work and the others that do — ain’t very bright.”

“It’s hard to keep my ducks-in-a-row when all I have are pink plastic Flamingos.”

“My wife has two problems; nothing to wear and no place to store it.”

“Despite passing a so-called healthcare bill, Congress still can’t cure its Socialist illness.”

“Cinco de Mayo, my ass! Cinco de Porto!”

“Four months after Trump was inaugurated as the 45th president, Michelle Obama is still ugly.”

“A friend asked if I knew how to work one of those new​-fangled flat-top stoves. I said that if I couldn’t figure out how to turn it on, I’d return it or get rid of it. Then he asked me where my wife was.”

“‘Cinco de Mayo,’ my ass! It’s jus’ May Fifth! When you’re Irish, you don’t need a holiday to get drunk.”

“MSNBC’s Chris Matthews was caught making lewd comments about Donald Trump’s wife on a live microphone. No word whether he felt a thrill run up his leg like when Obama spoke or if it was simply a trickle down his thigh.”

“I want to wish every teacher a wonderful ‘Happy Teachers Day 2016′ — except Detroit teachers — teachers in Detroit jus’ need to get their asses back to work.”

“Now that Ted Cruz has dropped out of the GOP race for president, that leaves only John Kasich in the running against Donald Trump. He has a slight chance at winning if he uses Common Core math.”

“In a world full of penguins — don’t be a panda.”

“Miley Cyrus is featured in a new set of portraits whose sale will benefit Planned Parenthood. I wonder if anyone will call her a ‘baby killer’ and spit on her in an airport.”

“Say what you want about Trump’s first 100 days in office, anyway you spin it, it means 100 days without Hillary in office.”

“I’d rather see a chunky woman naked than a rail-thin woman naked. Ahh — who am I kidding — I jus’ wanna see a naked woman.”

“I’m still trying to figure out which of my ancestors pee’d in our family’s gene pool.”

“I should have known better after reading the fine print saying, “In the event of a criminal investigation in regard to any income tax return we help you file, we promise to try every option we can possibly think of before finally turning state’s evidence against you.”

“Whoever said ‘taxes are a necessary evil,’ was only half right.”

“You know it’s gonna be a bad day when your pet-rock bites you.”

“Let me wish you a happy Easter weekend. I pray you won’t be on the toilet should the Angel Gabriel blow his horn.”

“The bomb dropped on Afghanistan recently is the biggest since Hillary’s campaign imploded.”

“President Trump’s missile strike on Syria proves there are no Walmarts in that country, only Targets.”

“California lawmakers are looking at adopting an official state dinosaur. No word yet on whether it’ll be Dianne Feinstein or Nancy Pelosi.”

“A new Gallup poll shows that six out of 10 Americans believe the media is bias. The other four have theirs up their asses.”

“President Trump is as afraid of the stairs as CNN’s afraid to lie.”

“Chelsea Clinton is being honored by the Alliance for a Healthier Generation. Nobody does nothing like Chelsea does nothing.”

My Cousin Elmo says, “Six out of 10 French say they don’t feel safe anywhere in their country. The other four were migrants.”

“My wife is peeved at me after staying out all St. Patrick’s Day night. I texted her saying, ‘I’m having another beer with the guys. I’ll be home in half an hour. If I’m longer than half an hour, read this again.'”

“I’d like to wish MSNBC’s Rachel Maddow many happy returns during her so-called broadcasting career.”

“Bill Nye the Science Guy is as much a scientist as Hillary Clinton is a swimsuit model.”

“I spent all morning trying to save some daylight. It doesn’t work, so it must be another worthless federal law.”

“My clear conscience is due to my bad memory.”

“All of these protest days the Left keeps coming up with have me confused. For instance, I thought by their standards, ‘A Day without Women’ happened last November 8th.”

“Talk about role reversal — Russians get to watch television while our T.V.’s watch us.”

“While a lot of people are talking about the ‘gay’ scene in the Disney film ‘Beauty and the Beast,’ no one’s saying a thing about the fact that the movie depicts a romance between a woman and an animal.”

“It’s said that laughter is the best medicine. That’s until you have to go to the ER after blowing piping hot coffee out your nose.”

“Hmm…a Day Without Women. No wonder it’s so dang quiet!”

“You know some of these protests are fake. After all a number of unemployed people were caught participating in ‘Take the Day Off’ demonstrations.”

“They say ‘silence is golden,’ but since we’re on the federal reserve system, we can’t afford silence.”

“Barbra Streisand claims that she’s so fed up with President Trump that’s she’s getting fat.”

“I jus’ learned that DWTS stands for ‘Dancing With The Stars.’ All this time I thought it stood for ‘Don’t watch the show.'”

“When Democrats say Jeff Sessions should resign for the good of the country, the country they’re talking about is Mexico.”

“Seeing all those Democrat women dressed in white reminded me of one thing: the party of surrender.”

“The fake-news media is saying President Trump’s speech was unpresidential. But after eight-years and their short attention-span, how would they know?”

“Witches got together at midnight to cast a spell on President Trump. It was great to see Hillary out again.

“The Democratic National Committee has rejected Keith Ellison, the first Muslim Congressman in U.S. history, as its Chairperson — how Islamophobic of them.”

“Expect Islamic extremists to use the fact that the DNC didn’t elect a Muslim to be its new Chair as a tool for recruiting terrorists. That is — if you believe what Progressives have claimed about GOP activities in the past.”

“The fake-news media needs some help. Maybe they can hire a few ghost writers like a lot of novelists do.”

“Try as I might — I jus’ can’t seem to avoid myself.”

“A new MSNBC poll says 53 percent of Americans believe that Congress should investigate whether Donald Trump’s presidential campaign had contact with the Russian government in 2016. The other 47 percent wanna know who MSNBC is.”

“The LGBTSQ crowd standing with Islam and its ‘homo-hating’ terror squads is like turkeys standing for Thanksgiving.”

“With enough whiskey, one can understand how a millennial can distort reality. After all, eight or nine shots in and even a rhino begins to look like a unicorn.”

“Like any other girl, 16-year-old Jazz Jennings loves dolls and dresses. But Jazz isn’t a normal girl — she was born a boy. And now she has a doll modeled after her. No word on whether the doll is anatomically correct.”

“A British engineer has started his own business in Afghanistan. He’s making land mines that look like prayer mats. It’s doing well. He says Prophets are going through the roof.”

“My doctor says my metabolism isn’t slow — its in a coma.”

“Senator Tammy Duckworth is complaining that the Trump administration isn’t the ‘presidency we were promised.’ That’s because she was promised another four-years of Obama through Hillary’s candidacy.”

“What’s happening with the Oroville Dam in California is indicative of all government. It’s jus’ a collapse of a different kind.”

“The media is saying that they are not the enemy of the American people. I think I’ll file this tidbit under ‘fake-news.'”

“My wife asked me to clean out our garage. Instead, after watching an episode of ‘Hoarders,’ we realized our garage isn’t messy at all.”

“Secretary of State Rex Tillerson has cleaned house at the State Department. Goes to show that American’s WILL do the work illegal aliens are supposedly in the U.S. to do.”

“Jus’ ’cause a protester has a beard doesn’t make him a man. After all even vaginas can grow hair.”

“I’ve learned that a quiet man is a thinking man and my wife has taught me that a quiet woman is an angry woman.”

“Following today press conference with President Trump, the fake-news media is looking for a safe space of its own.”

“Since the Progressive media doesn’t want to be call ‘fake-news,’ anymore perhaps we should call it ‘fact-free programming.’

“The Chinese New Year is here; the year of the cock. I finally fit in.”

“Its interesting to note that on Darwin Day, both Sears and Kmart have decided to stop selling Ivanka Trumps clothing line. Progressives are proving that evolution is real.”

“Cultural differences in our society are fascinating. Muslims don’t celebrate Christmas or Easter, but some celebrate 9/11.”

“Its amazing how the Ninth Circuit Court can tell the difference between 97 genders, but can’t figure out constitutional from unconstitutional.”

“So-called actress Lena Dunham is blaming President Trump for her weight-loss. Is there nothing that Trump can’t do?”

“It’s in the nature of the Progressive to argue about the laws of gravity, but they have to reframe the facts first.”

“Next thing you know robbing banks in sanctuary cities will be legal – they’ll simply call them ‘undocumented withdrawals.'”

“Jackson Hole, Wyoming is closed because of snow. Now if we could figure out how to get Texas Congresswoman Sheila Jackson to close her hole.”

“It’s in the nature of the Progressive to argue about the laws of gravity, but they also have to reframe the facts first.”

“Next thing you know robbing banks in sanctuary cities will be legal — they’ll simply call them ‘undocumented withdrawals.'”

“The fight over which inauguration had the larger crowd continues. That’s Progressives for you – they say size doesn’t matter – but then…”

“When asked if I were going to watch the Superbowl, I didn’t have enough Budweiser beer to snort out my noses while laughing.”

“I’m old enough to remember when the Super Bowl was about football and not politics.”

“If I was a woman and I worked as a fashion model, I’d be pissed that a woman, who was once a man, had taken my high paying job!”

“I’m too young for LifeAlert and to grown up for Twitter.”

“California doesn’t want to pay federal taxes because President Trump is violating the 10th Amendment. Maybe gun owners can get out of paying their state taxes since California is violating the 2nd Amendment.”

“I turned on the TV to watch the Screen Actors Guild awards show — but all I got was a Sharia Activist Group.”

“We see Progressives holding signs all the time saying ‘Share the Wealth,’ but never one that reads, ‘Share the Work.'”

“Iran has retaliated against President Trump’s recent so-called Muslim ban by imposing a travel ban on U.S .citizens. Well damn, there goes my summer plans.”

“The average man worries about what the federal government and his wife spend. However he’s not afraid to criticize the federal government.”

“We don’t need the federal government to make sure the buffalo roam and the skies are not cloudy all day.”

“Male privilege is garbage man cleaning up after a million women marching to protest male privilege.”

“I was told to read ‘Hayek.’ Hell, I didn’t even know the actress was a writer.”

“The terror organization, Hamas is threatening violence and a Holy War if the U.S. moves its embassy to Jerusalem. Who can blame them – their threats have always worked before.”

“Perspective is a strong point of view. For instance a man went to the doctor and the doctor gave him two months to live, so the man shot the doctor. The judge on the other hand gave the man life.”

“After yesterday, President Trump should have more than enough materials to build a wall — and more are on their way. Progressives are still shitting brick since his inauguration.”

“After yesterdays ‘Million Woman’ march around the world and all the talk about vaginas and screwing over men, the World Health Organization should expect a pandemic of ear infections.”

“Two circuses came to a close recently. One lasted 146-years, the other — only eight-years.”

“In only one day President Trump has managed to get more fat women outside and exercising than Michelle Obama did in eight-years.”

“Congressman John Lewis spoke at the Million Woman March in Washington D.C. It proves that the man is not only a pussy, but he must have one too.”

“I opened the front door to my home and found a cougar standing there. Then I realized it was my wife.”

“The Million Women March is happening in Washington D.C. today, where they’re talking about their vaginas. Instead of demanding chastity belts they should want straight-jackets.”

“President George H.W. Bush is breathing better since being admitted to the hospital. But then after today, we all are.”

“For all the help Russian President Putin gave to President Trump, I didn’t see him at the inauguration today. What gives?!”

“So far more than 60 Congressional Democrats are refusing to attend President-elect Trumps inauguration. Meanwhile, the cast of ‘The Walking Dead,’ has openings for more zombies.”

“Environmentalists want everyone to think we’re going to become extinct due to ‘global warming.’ Obviously, Progressives are as smart as the Piltdown Man.”

“Maybe the truth doesn’t matter. Perhaps it all comes down to who looks the best while lying.”

“The polls say that President-elect Trump has the lowest approval rating of anyone entering the office. But not to worry — these are the same polls that showed Hillary Clinton winning.”

“Aspirin-maker Bayer has commits to invest a billion dollars in the in US. Good thing too. All these new jobs are giving Progressives a headache.”

“Evidently, the smart-phone has become the number one hand-held device in the world. In short, that means the penis has slipped to second place.”

“Progressives continue to claim that the only way there will be peace in the Middle East is through a two-state solution. Want to understand how that won’t work — jus’ look at California.”

“No wonder Ringling Brother’s is going out-of-business. Who wants to pay to watch a bunch of clowns perform when you can see them for free on C-SPAN.”

“Ringling Brother’s is going out of business and many say it’s because they got rid of the elephants. That wasn’t supposed to happen. The real target was the GOP.”

“So much for self-policing — BuzzFeed and CNN news feeds are still available on Facebook.”

“California’s Lt. Governor wants to stop Donald Trump from building a fence between the state’s southern border and Mexico. So, maybe Trump should look at building a wall around Sacramento instead.”

“The last time I heard ‘Cowboys’ and ‘Packers’ in the same sentence, the movie ‘Broke Back Mountain’ was released”

“Since Congressman John Lewis claims Donald Trump’s election victory isn’t legitimate, would it be okay if others claim President Obama isn’t a legitimate Black man?”

“The pissing prostitute’s story is true. The whores turned out to be Buzzfeed and CNN — pissing all over journalism.”

“President Obama gave the Medal Freedom to Vice-president Joe Biden — after all, for the last eight-years, Biden’s been free to say and do stupid stuff.”

“Since the Black Congressional Caucus doesn’t want a painting depicting law enforcement officers as pigs removed from the capitol building, perhaps the KKK can supply a painting depicting Black looters as monkeys.”

“While Trump wants to build a wall to keep illegal’s out, Progressives are busy trying to build a wall to keep Trump contained.”

“By testifying against fellow-Senator Jeff Sessions’ nomination to be the next U.S. Attorney General, Cory Booker’s setting himself up to look like the next Barack Obama.”

“I called my Congressman to report a problem and before I could tell him what it was, he told me not t worry, it would be resolved by noon on the 20th.”

“Dairy farmers in California must collect the methane gases being expelled by their cows. State lawmakers must not know that cows have no fingers.”

“Members of Code Pink dressed as Ku Klux Klan members disrupted a congressional hearing on Senator Jeff Sessions’ nomination as the next attorney general. Security obviously mistook the group for a bunch of Muslim women wearing hijabs.”

“Mariah Carey’s New Year’s Eve Performance is indicative of President Obama’s last year in office — neither ended on a high note.”

“The Ford Motor Company chose the U.S. over Mexico, but then, so have most Mexicans.”

“It’s well known that men often think with the wrong head. Less known is the fact that women often speak with the wrong lips.”

“Guys — the next time a woman says she’s as old as dirt, ask her what that tastes like. I guarantee you’re name will be mud as she slaps the dust out of you.”

“Senator Chuck Schumer claims the U.S. can’t afford a ‘Twitter presidency.’ Yet we managed to survive eight-years of a ‘Twittle-Dee and Twittle-Dum presidency.”

“The Better Business Bureau the lowered rating of the “MyPillow” from an A to an F following consumer complaints. Someone at the BBB must be cranky from not getting a good night’s sleep.”

“Since the Progressive media didn’t bother trying to find them, I’d like to see Russia hack Barack Obama’s college transcripts.”

“Happiness is not having to call my wife to get bail money on New Year’s day.”

“The Progressive media is more interested in how MMA fighter Ronda Rousey was destroyed by Amanda Nunes in 48-seconds than it has been during the eight years President Obama has tried to destroy the U.S.”

“It occurs to me, as my family visits Disneyland, that I’m witnessing a human trap set by a mouse.”

“Every since he ran for President, Progressives have called Donald Trump ‘Hitler.’ It’s laughable since now he’s the only one defending Israel.”

“John Kerry claims Israel can’t be Jewish and democratic, that has to be or the other. I’m guessing he didn’t learn anything from the U.S. election where we decided to be American and not Democrats.”

“We are equal in every way. Neither of us needs a group, a law or a government agency to make it so.”

My Cousin Elmo says, “I’m a success! I decided to go for broke and now I am.”

“Even the honest Atheist will tell you that believing in ‘nothing’ is actually believing in something.”

“I’m a success! I decided to go for broke and now I am.”

“So many times we remember to pull up our boot and get on with life. And yet, we forget to hitch up our britches.”

“It’s natural for a man to be an insomniac. After all when Adam went to sleep, he woke up married.”

“The engineer who fell asleep at the controls of a train that killed four people, is getting a life-time pension for his sleep apnea. Meanwhile, U.S. veterans, who’ve risked their lives and killed terrorist as ordered, can’t get medical care from the country served.”

“George Michael will not be performing at President-elect Donald Trumps inauguration. The organization GLAAD claims he died as a result of a YouTube video.”

“Sixty-eight members of the Alexandrov Ensemble, the official choir of the Russian Armed Forces, died in a Christmas Eve plane crash. Democrats are ecstatic that the choir won’t be appearing at Donald Trumps’ inauguration.”

“You know you’re getting old when Santa starts looking younger. Here’s wishing you and yours a very Merry Christmas!”

“‘Grandma Got Run Over By a Reindeer.’ Democrats are blaming Donald Trump.”

“Hillary Clinton had 2,864,974 votes more than President-elect Donald Trump. As for Trump, he had 2,864,974 fewer votes from illegal aliens than Hillary Clinton.”

“If you think ‘Baby, its Cold Outside,’ is about date rape, maybe you’d feel better if it were a song about two guys and called ‘Buddy, its Cold Outside.'”

“If the Russians really did hack the Democrats, then they should be applauded. After all, they helped the party achieve transparency.”

“Donald Trump is the first man history to publicly win an argument with a woman.”

“The Los Angeles Lakers are planning to build larger-than-life statue of Shaquille O’Neal in front of the Staples Center. With Shaq standing seven feet, one inch — isn’t ‘larger-than-life’ a bit of a redundancy?”

“Boeing agreed to lower the costs of Air Force One from over $6 billion to around $4 billion. That means Trump ‘gentiled’ them down nearly 33-percent.”

“Even if President Obama were white — he’d still be the worst president ever.”

“No one knows how many Progressives it would take to defend the United States. None has ever tried.”

“President Obama has told Russian President Putin to ‘cut it out,’ when it comes to hacking. He added, ‘If you don’t — I’ll tell mom!’”

“Sanctuary cities plus sanctuary universities minus federal tax dollars equals higher crime rate and greater tuition costs.”

“George W. Bush trusted the word of the 16 intelligence agencies and we ended up with ‘Bush lied. People died!’ Donald Trumps disputes them and it becomes, ‘How dare he impugn their integrity?'”

“Yahoo says it has been hacked and that the info stolen may include names, email addresses, phone numbers, birth dates and security questions and answers. This is the same Yahoo that worked with federal spy agencies, giving them access to its user’s emails. Damn those Russians!”

“As I was finishing up a piece of carrot cake this morning, I realized that it was made from the noses of snowmen.”

“The only reason for a man to like Chelsea Handler is her tits. It’s her mouthiness that is unbecoming.”

“My life is like an open book. So what if it’s a coloring book!”

“Military academy sports events like the Army-Navy Game are the only places where all the players are willing to die for the people watching.”

“I’m so glad men fight each other when they feel territorial. If they we were dog’s, as I’ve learned, we’d simply pee on everything.”

“Fake news defeated Hillary like a fake video caused Benghazi.”

“The Democrat Party has been resisting Republican reconstruction efforts since 1865.”

“As biased as the media is I’m surprised no one has picked up on the fact that Donald Trump is forcing a Black family from their home.”

“I don’t mind admitting to playing with dolls. But be warned before you make fun of me — they’re voodoo dolls.”

“Anthony Weiner claims to be so broke he can’t afford therapy for sex addiction. However, he can still afford his cell-phone.”

“Now that General James Mattis has been tapped for the job of Secretary Defense, there’s talk of him running for president in four years. If he does he has the perfect campaign slogan, ‘Mad Dog 20-20.'”

“California lawmakers are considering bill dealing with ‘global warming’ by regulating bovine farts. Maybe they should consider dealing with their own B.S. first.”

“I finally got fed up with my Windows 10 digital agent Cortana, which keeps prompting me to ask it anything. So I asked Cortana to go to Hell and it jus’ laughed at me.”

“If I’m my brother’s keeper, I didn’t do a very good job. He’s dead.”

“My wife never complained. Then I got hearing aids.”

“Chip Bergh, the CEO of Levi Strauss is banning guns from his stores. And now you know why I wear Wranglers.”

“You know society’s in pretty bad shape when the truth bothers people.”

“Female friends on Facebook keep claiming that all their bras are missing. I think Donald Trump burned them.”

“I pride myself on being a know-it-all, except knowing when to shut-up.”

“You know society’s in pretty bad shape when the truth bothers people.”

“I’ve jihad it with terrorists and those who refuse to acknowledge that it exists.”

“The longer the protests go on at Standing Rock the more it looks like ‘Burning Man’ for the poor.”

“I decided to do the ‘Mannequin Challenge.’ My son says it doesn’t count because I was asleep at the time.”

“The latest in British research claims that passing gas will add years to your life. And if that’s the case, I’m gonna live forever!”

“If the movie ‘Radio’ was remade today, Cuba Gooding, Jr.’s character would be known as ‘Bluetooth.’

“Fidel Castro is dead. God has done what the CIA couldn’t!”

“Cuban Dictator Fidel Castro spent his entire life battling capitalism. It’s ironic that he should die on ‘Black Friday.'”

“The people who raise money for politicians are proof that a fool is born every minute.”

“After eating too much Thanksgiving dinner, if I weren’t already wearing sweat pants — I’d be naked.”

“That can of SPAM I jus’ ate, says I’m a family of six!”

“I finally quit drinking for good. But nothing says I can’t drink for evil.”

“It was so cold this morning that I farted and I thought I was blowing smoke out my butt.”

“I’m planning to buy myself a pair of shoes that fit my personality…loafers.”

“While we get Donald Trump for President, all George Soros gets after spending $300 million is a Hillary Clinton t-shirt.”

“Facebook is going to ‘crackdown’ on fake news sites. Time to say goodbye to ABC, CBS, CNN, FOX and NBC — to name a few.”

“Jesus says we are to pray for our enemies. That’s why I pray for myself — I’m usually my own worst enemy.”

“Historically, it can be stated that Democrats never let Republicans simply enjoy a play.”

“Numbers don’t lie — but the politicians who use them — do.”

“Jesus says to ‘Do unto others as you wish to be done unto.’ This includes you masochists too.”

“Crime by its very nature –is ‘hate,’ thus calling something a ‘hate crime’ is a redundancy — kind of like governmental mismanagement.”

“The Progressives in the GOP controlled House are taking the building of a wall on our southern border seriously. The jus’ passed a bill that will increase the cost of cement.”

“When everyone gets a trophy for participation, then nobody knows how to lose when it happens.”

“President Obama is getting to keep his legacy like we got to keep our doctors.”

“Donald Trump is good for the economy as the stock market hit record highs. But more importantly, he’s found work for Alec Baldwin.”

“President Obama is getting to keep his legacy like we got to keep our doctors.”

“Since the majority of Progressives are really the ‘flat-earthers,’ perhaps they’ll move so far left that they’ll simply fall off.”

“When I was in my 20’s my safe space was my fighting hole, that I dug myself.”

“After looking at last nights election map, I realized that Donald Trump has better coverage across America than Obamacare.”

“I’d rather be offended by something Donald Trump says than left for dead by Hillary Clinton.”

“Anthony Weiner was seen riding around a sex addiction rehab’s grounds on a horse. I wanna know – is the horse safe — and where is PETA when you need them?”

“Thanks to Hillary Clinton’s so-called joke, we now know that its Anthony Weiner’s laptop that needs to be wiped down. Literally.”

“I never thought I’d be thankful that a bunch of ‘Weiner-pics’ could save America.”

“Those Russian hackers are better than we thought. They stole Hillary Clinton’s emails from the NSA, put them on Huma’s laptop and pinned it on Weiner.”

“It’s interesting how a vagina nearly brought down Bill Clinton in the 90s and today, it’s a Weiner bringing down Hillary Clinton.”

“Sometimes while listening to Donald Trump speak, I get serious flashbacks. I’m suddenly reminded of my Marine Corps Drill Instructors.”

“Scientists may have found new moons circling Uranus. If that’s the case, it explains why some women shouldn’t wear yoga pants in public.”

“The Obama administration is forcing 10-thousand California National Guard members to return their bonuses, but Veterans Administration officials get to keep theirs.”

“When I was younger I used to watch horror movies and get scared. Now that I’m older and I see what out government is up to and all the dirty politics, I understand what real fright is.”

“The Nevada secretary of state’s office on reported Democrats outpace Republican by nearly 90,000 people on Friday. No word yet on how many of those have already had funerals.”

“It’s a good thing the Twitter outage happened on a Friday. Had it been any other day, all those poor journalists would have been sitting around twittling their thumbs.”

“Apparently, it is more dangerous to report on voter fraud than it is to commit voter fraud according to President Obama.”

“Look, I want my fifteen minutes of fame. Maybe I should claim Donald Trump touched me too.”

“Who cares what Trump said back in 2005. He was Democrat then — so it wasn’t his fault.”

“Finally, proof that Osama Bin Laden is actually dead. He registered to vote as a Democrat in Chicago, yesterday.”

“What do you call a debate between two Progressives? A FOX news program.”

“Who cares what Trump said back in 2005. He was Democrat then — so it wasn’t his fault.”

“Life’s already a bitch. Don’t elect one.”

“Hillary Clinton blamed Abraham Lincoln for her dishonesty during the second presidential debate. I bet ol’ Abe would rather go watch another play than another presidential debate.”

“You know we’re screwed when even the press says Hillary Clinton can win because Donald Trump’s too much like her husband.”

“Hillary Clinton wrote a book in the 90s titled, ‘It Takes a Village,’ and Tim Kaine’s her idiot.”

“Green Bay Packers tight end Jared Cook discovered a chicken head in his Buffalo Wild Wings order on Tuesday. He still hasn’t said whether it tasted like chicken or not.”

“Alicia Keys, Tamron Hall, Kim Kardashian and Gabrielle Union among others are all going makeup-free these days in order to stop being pressured to be perfect. Secretly though — they don’t want to be mistaken for clowns.”

“Perhaps I’m too White because White Privilege isn’t working for me.”

My Cousin Elmo says, “Both CNN and MSNBC have announced that Hillary Clinton won the next debate.”

“A new survey says that one in 10 people use their cell phones during sex. And most say it doesn’t affect their driving at all.”

“In the recent presidential debate, Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump came to a draw. It was Lester Holt who lost.”

“When it comes to Muslim refugees, Sweden appears to be suffering from Stockholm syndrome.”

“Bloomberg TV plans to fact check both Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump during their first presidential debate. In order to prevent cheating on Trumps part, they’ve hired FBI Director James Comey to oversee the project.”

“Nearly every politician in Washington D.C seems to disregard the U.S. Constitution until they’re called to testify before Congress. Then the only amendment that they can remember is the Fifth.” 

“I read a news headline that claimed, ‘Billions of fleas with massive penises are about to invade your bedroom.’ Its okay — my wife won’t sleep with them either.”

“It was a homeless guy who found the bombs in New Jersey and called the cops. Guess you can say the U.S. is being protected by ‘The Department of Homeless Security.'”

“President Obama claimed that the Clinton Foundation has saved thousands of lives while out stumping for Hillary. The question is can the foundation save Hillary’s life?”

“With our country going to hell in a hand basket, Hillary has told us exactly what will be in it when it gets there.”

“Obamacare and 94 million American have one thing in common — neither are working.”

“The entire San Francisco football team is reportedly going to join Colin Kaepernick in protesting the National Anthem. It’ll be the first bit of real teamwork anyone’s seen from them in a couple of years.”

“The difference between Hillary Clinton and Hindenburg is that one is a flaming bag of gas while the other is a dirigible.”

“I opened my mouth to yell at a driver who cut me off — and my foot fell out.”

“I thought my cousin forgot to wish me a ‘Happy Labor Day,’ then I remembered he’s been out of work for three years now.”

“The one thing no one has been able to find in Hillary’s emails is anything about yoga.”

“Hillary and Huma claim they can manage the White House staff, but in reality — they can’t even manage their husband’s staffs.”

“Although it denied bias, Facebook changed its news feed bar to end biases, meaning it admits they were there in the first place.”

“Nixon opened relations with China while Reagan opened the Berlin Wall. Meanwhile Hillary opened a jar of pickles.”

“Cops had to bust up a party that Malia Obama was involved in. Don’t be shocked — if she’s gonna be like her daddy — she gotta start somewhere.”

“Black Lives Matter isn’t in Louisiana because you can’t burn buildings that are underwater.”

“One should not do anything incredibly stupid when calling others stupid! Oops — too late.”

“President Obama is like Emperor Nero who ‘fiddled while Rome burned.’ In Obama’s case his golfed while Milwaukee burned and as Louisiana drowned.”

“I was born great — and its all been down hill since.”

“CBS News is reporting that Lake Mead near Las Vegas is drying up. If it’s so, maybe this is God’s way of breaking the Democratic strong-hold over Southern Nevada.”

“If kids these days don’t stop complaining about everything were gonna have to change, ‘Life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness,’ to ‘Life, liberty and the pursuit of helplessness.'”

“The New World Order Pope Francis plus President Hillary Clinton will equal Hell on Earth.”

“Sixty-seven percent of Americans, when asked say they don’t want the Clinton’s back in the White House. The other 33-percent still want to know who these Clinton’s’ were that the pollsters kept asking about.”

“The FBI is warning local law enforcement to be aware of threats made against them by the ‘Black Guerrilla Family.’ Evidently, being call ‘monkey’ isn’t enough.”

“Warren Buffet claims Donald Trump’s afraid to release his tax returns. Evidently, Buffet doesn’t know that releasing them isn’t required by the U.S. Constitution in order to run for President.”

“Pope Francis says that if he has to talk about Islamic violence, he has to also talk about Catholic violence. I’m pretty sure he’s not meaning Democratic VP nominee Tim Kaine’s kind of un-Catholic violence though.”

“Ford and Jose Cuervo are teaming up to make car parts out of the byproducts of tequila production, which kind of defeats the purpose of ‘don’t drink and drive.”

“The character ‘Commander Data,’ from ‘Star Trek, the Next Generation,’ must have been a Progressive too. He didn’t understand sarcasm or humor either.”

“Jumping the fence at the border will get you invited to the Democratic National Convention. Jumping the fence at the DNC will get you arrested.”

“President Obama certainly painted a rosy picture of the economy, national security and society as a whole during his DNC speech. To bad he failed to mention that most of those roses are dead.”

“It took less technology for American’s to landed on the moon in 1969 than it does to catch a Pokémon today.”

“My refrigerator is running — and I plan to vote for it!”

“President Obama has been briefed on the murders of three Baton Rouge law enforcement officers. He has not released a statement as of yet, so no further violence is expected at the moment.”

“It must be easier to buy a truck in France than a book or a computer.”

“The number one cause of Global Warming will soon be man-made due to the number of candlelight vigils held following a terror attack.

“If an Ariana Grande concert’s the best England can do to fight Islamic terrorism, then as a country, they’re screwed.” 

“If Black people are convinced that White people want to kill them, and then protesting in the middle of the road, blocking traffic is like begging for a funeral.”

“When it comes to the argument between whether ‘Black Lives Matter,’ ‘Blue Lives Matter’ or ‘All Lives Matter,’ the real truth is that to the federal government, ‘No Lives Matter'”

“Now that Andrew Jackson’s being replaced by Harriet Tubman on the $20 bill, the U.S. Treasury should put Caitlyn Jenner on the three-dollar bill.”

“It’s funny that environmental activists in Reno are celebrating Earth Day inside because of rain. It’s proof that God does have a sense of humor.”

“I should have known better after reading the fine print saying, ‘In the event of a criminal investigation in regard to any income tax return we help you file, we promise to try every option we can possibly think of before finally turning state’s evidence against you.’”

“Hillary Clinton and Bernie Sanders accused each other of not being qualified to be president. And you know what — they’re both rigged

“It’s ironic that President Dwight Eisenhower, who warned the U.S of the ‘rise of the military industrial complex,’ also provided the National Interstate System on which that military could gain access to the entire nation.”

“In biblical times an ass that spoke was considered a miracle. Today all we have to do is turn on the television or radio.”

“I don’t exercise because I don’t want to spill my coffee.”

“In recent interview Former U.S. Defense Secretary Robert Gates is claiming that President Obama ‘double-crossed’ him. He’ll have to get in line as Obama double-crossed all of America.”

“Bra-cups are no good — you can’t even drink from one!”

“Las Vegas hotel and casino developer Steve Wynn claims that, ‘Nobody likes being around poor people.’ I find that quite odd – I like being around myself and I make great company – jus’ don’t ask me to buy you anything.”

“Ordinarily, staring is creepy. But if you spread your attention across many individuals, then it’s just people watching.”

“A Fresno man recently climbed a rock and got stuck while proposing to his girlfriend, then had to be rescued. Stuck…little does he know.”

“The website ‘Total Beauty’ is under fire for confusing Whoopi Goldberg for Oprah Winfrey. You can’t blame the website though; it’s difficult to tell one Progressive from another.”

“I find it interesting that since Austin ‘Chumlee’ Russell’s arrest in connection with a sexual assault investigation, no one is pressuring Disney–ABC to cancel the reality show “Pawn Stars.”

“It doesn’t pay to ‘go commando’ while wearing zippered jeans.”

“Scientists claim that Neanderthals and Human Beings interbred about 100,000 years ago and now we know where Bernie Sanders came from.”

“God should be allowed in school. He deserves a free education too.”

“If the Paleo diet is supposed to be so good for you — what happened to the caveman?”

“I studied abroad once — the wife wasn’t very happy.”

“American IQ scores are declining. To give you an idea how bad it is — 37-percent of us think Hillary Clinton is honest and trustworthy.”

“President Obama rejected the Keystone XL Pipeline, but he had a good reason – approving the pipeline would have been good for America.”

“President Obama calls ISIS ‘ISIL’ and Secretary of State John Kerry calls it ‘Daesh’ while terror group calls Obama and Kerry ‘idiots.’

“President Obama’s ISIS strategy now enjoys a 90 percent approval rating… among members of ISIS.”

“Former Maryland Governor Martin O’Malley is still in the race for the Democratic nomination, but he isn’t getting much traction.  He’s now polling behind the Syrian refugees.”

“On the Today Show, Charlie Sheen announced that he is HIV positive. That said — Sheen still looks better than Matt Lauer.”

“The Fifth Circuit Court of Appeals has blocked President Obama’s executive orders on immigration. Now he’s considering an executive order to eliminate the Fifth Circuit Court of Appeals.”

“Some Syrian refugees have already been settled in New Orleans, and they’re assimilating quickly. In fact, they’re already complaining about the crime!”

“If life is a circle like a tire, mine needs more air.”

“Most folk who claim to be ‘victims’ are delighted to have been ‘victimized’ because it lets them gain money, attention and hurt their rivals.”

“Hillary Clinton’s image continues to deteriorate. To give you an idea how bad — even MSNBC’s Brian Williams is calling HER a liar.”

“When Patriots won’t fight for anything, Progressives won’t see a need to compromise on anything.”

“As Europe experiences an immigration crisis, Democrats are ready to help. They’re setting up voter registration tables at the borders.”

“A new poll shows 68 percent of adults believe the U.S. is headed in the wrong direction. The other 32 percent are so disgusted; they’re talking about moving back to Mexico.”

“Brian Williams, after more than six months in exile, is back on TV at MSNBC. Williams will be earning $10 million a year — which comes to about $1 million per viewer.”

“House Speaker John Boehner is resigning. He’s realized that it next to impossible for him to cave-in to the President Obama’s agenda any more than he has.”

“NBC is replacing Donald Trump with Arnold Schwarzenegger as the host of ‘The Apprentice.’ Trump claims its proof immigrants ARE stealing American jobs.”

“Vice President Biden confused Pope Francis during his visit to the White House. Biden congratulated the Pope on the Cardinals having the best record in the league.”

“My next door neighbor’s son proposed to his girlfriend by giving her a belly-button ring. I’m guessing its a naval engagement.”

“Wisconsin Governor Scott Walker may have dropped out of the GOP race too soon. The latest polls show Walker well ahead of Jim Gilmore – which begs the question – WHO?”

“A new poll says 75 percent of Americans see widespread corruption in government. As for the other 25 percent – they’re afraid to open their eyes!”

“Glamour magazine has named Kaitlyn Jenner as its ‘Woman of the Year.’ What balls!”

“A new study shows the average teenager lies five times a day, unlike Hillary Clinton who lies every time she opens her mouth.”

“Dairy farmers need to cover up their cows and calves when they’re nipple-feeding in public.”

“The National Enquirer’s reporting that the Kardashian family’s falling apart, but on the upside, plastic surgeon’s say they can save them.”

“One day YouTube, Twitter and Facebook will be combined into one, called ‘You Twit Face.'”

“The difference between Sarah Palin and Michelle Obama is Playboy verses National Geographic.”

“Before he made his final decision not to run for president, Joe Biden supposedly enjoyed a 90 percent support… among television news anchors.”

“Scientists say elephant genes hold clues for fight against cancer. It comes with a side effect though – a craving for peanuts.”

“Coffee has always been a part of my five-year plan for the past 50 years.”

“The world’s most expensive hotel suite is at The Mark in New York City at 75 thousand dollars a night. The hotel is so fancy, the housekeepers are legal immigrants.”

“National Geographic is making a movie based on Bill O’Reilly’s book, “Killing Reagan.” Meanwhile, O’Reilly is writing another book about President Obama called “Killing America.”

“Relations between the U.S. and Russia are bad. In fact, they’re so bad President Obama has ‘unfriended’ Vladimir Putin on Facebook.”

“Before he made his final decision not to run for president, Joe Biden supposedly enjoyed a 90 percent support… among television news anchors.”

“The National Enquirer’s reporting that the Kardashian family’s falling apart, but on the upside, plastic surgeon’s say they can save them.”

“Dr. Ben Carson said he wouldn’t support electing a Muslim president. A new poll says 71 percent of Americans think it’s too late.”

“Now that Andrew Jackson’s being replaced by Harriet Tubman on the $20 bill, the U.S. Treasury should put Caitlyn Jenner on the three-dollar bill.”

“Environmental activists in Reno are celebrating Earth Day inside because it’s raining. It’s proof that God does have a sense of humor.”

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