Off the Canyon Wall

Clever does not always make for a good story.

Arguing with stupid is like trying to save a drowning person with a white life-ring that they won’t accept because it isn’t Coast Guard orange.

To equate comedians Milton Burle and Flip Wilson dressing as women, to RuPaul’s show ‘Drag Race,’ is disingenuious. With comedians, the majority of people are in on ‘their joke,’ while less than one percent of the population is involved in the transvestite life-style which isn’t to be made fun of.

Our U.S. judiciary has the least amount of Constitutional authority, yet it has been handed the largest ax by Progressives inwhich it uses to seperate us from our inalienable rights.

Alex Jones and his Sandy Hook conspiracy theories isn’t about whether it did or didn’t happen; it’s about free speech and who has it and who doesn’t.

The news, whether written, audio or visual, is designed to make you feel, not think.

If God sees fit to answer my prayer, I’m going to live forever as I asked him to allow me to live long enough to see Congress filled with nothing but honest politicians.

I remember when we used to be a nation of thinkers, now we’re a nation of sensitivity and feelings.

There’s more right with you than wrong.

You are a masterpiece not a copy.

Don’t be in competition with others, be in concert.

You’re either feeding your history or your destiny, but you can’t feed both.

Don’t let anything get you off the path of your purpose.

Jus’ because it looks right on the outside doesn’t mean it’s right on the inside.

Reality starts from within and is projected outward.

A woman’s mind is cleaner than a man’s because she changes it more often.

Progressivism is three wolves and one sheep voting on what to have for supper.

It appears that a marginal professor has veto power over a Supreme Court nominee.

Why women are hard to understand comes down to this: every quality that a woman hates in a man, like being independent, not listening, not coming when called, staying out all night, and wanting to be left alone and sleep, they love in a cat.

They should build the wall with Hillary’s emails because nobody can get over them.

Funny how Democrats in the Nevada legislature say they’ll refuse to work with Republican brothel owner Lance Gilman if he’s elected. Such a threat isn’t worth much when Democrats refuse to work with Republicans anyway.

If Congress raised the voting age back to 21 and lowered the drinking age back to 18, everyone would be a lot happier.

Told my wife I pulled a ham-string. She wanted to know what part of the pig that is.

Sorry, Jihadists — now that Hugh Heffner has died, there isn’t one virgin left in Heaven, let alone 72 of them.

My wife is always stealing my t-shirts…but if I take one of her dresses, suddenly it’s ‘we need to talk.’

Kaitlyn Jenner has written a letter to Senator Dianne Feinstein alleging that Bruce fondled her for years.

Life without women would be a pain in the ass, literally.

Those who don’t learn from history are doomed to learn it from an Oliver Stone film.

Moses had the first two tablets ever connected to the cloud.

The words of your enemy are not as awful as the silence of a friend.

Why do Americans choose from two people to run for president and 51 for Miss America?

What’s the difference between a Democrat senator and a flying pig? The letter F.

What’s the difference between Bill Clinton and a carpenter? A carpenter can cover up the holes he screws.

A birth certificate is an apology from the government that you are now indentured and a social security number shows that you are no longer a sovereign.

Trump shouldn’t have said “shit-hole countries.” The correct term is “turd-world countries.”

Republicans and Democrats are like divorced parents who care more about getting the kids to hate the other one than they are their well-being.

They say St. Patrick drove the snakes out of Ireland. I wonder if he could do that for the Senate?

Stress has gotten to me: I squeezed the mustard bottle, it ‘farted,’ I laughed.

Your future’s found in your daily routine.

Thoughts are energy, let go of the ones that weaken you.

Travelling is the best kind of adventure.

Be patient and trust God’s timing.

A closed door is no surprise to God.

The valley is an opportunity for God to take you to a higher level.

Don’t allow the rooms of your heart be filled with hurt.

If you know you’re not being appreciated, it’s likely you never will be appreciated.

When someone really loves you, everyone will know it.

Don’t let other people’s envy, jealousy, bitterness or hate get to you.

Everything begins with an idea or dream.

Invest your time, hope and energy on a sure thing — yourself.

You’re a miracle among human failure.

The cost of greatness requires you to go beyond your resources.

If you have a talent put it to use. Don’t let your God given ability go to waste.

The good news is that I’ve made it to my ‘Golden Years;’ the bad news is that I’ve been over-mined.

There’s nothing better than a strong cup of Douche Broz coffee after two-minutes of sexual intercourse.

There’s something wrong with a woman who anrgily declares ‘all men are pigs.’ It’s clear she doesn’t like bacon.

Sometimes you must take what the enemy considers it’s strongest weapon and turn it on them.

With his passing, Burt Reynolds hasn’t seen this much positive press since his divorce from Lonnie Anderson.

Clearly, if you can’t hold your licker, you can’t hold your tongue.

Colin Kaepernick is the real Al Bundy as both sucked at football and both ended up selling shoes.

The only keeper of your happiness is you.

Every challenge you’ve been through has deposited something in you.

Sometimes the biggest blessing is right in front of you.

When the world marks you as the underdog, embrace it.

Slow down, take your time and pay attention to details.

John McCain went from ‘zero’ to ‘hero’ with Democrats, and all he had to do is die.

When we are fighting one another, were not fighting the real enemy.

I realize some things are better left unsaid — right after I’ve said them.

When it comes to ethnic diversity, I am truly ethnically challenged.

The tongue is a wicked weapon as words can make or break our day.

Stop worrying over what went wrong and be thankful for what is right.

A woman who knows what to say to a man is difficult to turn down.

Every man has a king and a fool inside himself.

If you want to be successful, think of yourself as a success.

I heard a funeral broke out at the latest DNC ‘Hate Trump’ rally.

When you allow things or people to become your obsession, they own you.

Your environment may not be perfect, but doesn’t mean you should hide in shame.

Cancel your subscriptions to people who don’t want to overcome their issues.

The idea was to ‘end poverty,’ not create ‘financial equity.”

I used to ‘Rock Around the Clock,’ but now, it’s ‘Limp Around the Block.’

Know the difference between a snarl and a smile — both show my teeth.

With where he’s going, I hope they embalmed John McCain with barbecue sauce.

Little people can do big things.

We all can do better.

You’ve been set up to be blessed.

My personal poverty has become a source of strength and hope for me.

There is always room to make a difference.

Our tears let us to know who we love and care for.

Jus’ because panic seems popular at the moment doesn’t mean you have to accept the invitation.

The worst thing Abe Lincoln ever did as President was to appoint Ruth Bader Ginsberg to the supreme Court.

It looks like James Comey’s up the creek without an Ohr.

Brazilians say that when googling “Ku Klux Klan,” an picture of Donald Trump appears at the top of the results page — so now we know what’s under all that hair.

Had to call the PC police; there was a white Jeep parked out side my home that claimed to be a ‘Cherokee.’

Democratic socialism: Where everything is ‘free,’ except you.

While watching a porno, I failed to notice I’d spilled hot coffee in my lap.

One side wants to get rid of MS-13; the other side wants to abolish ICE.

We’re born to be real, not perfect; that comes after.

Common sense always knocks out hate.

Don’t let resentment build up in your heart.

ou don’t need someone to make you a complete person.

When media becomes a propaganda tool, it is an enemy of freedom.

Stop worrying about life after the “what if.”

The only reason Creepy Joe Biden gave the eulogy at ‘Wet-start Johnny’ McCain’s memorial in Arizona is that he knows Cindy’s newly single.

Don’t let anyone label you with a lie or an opinion.

Destiny is a process of self-discovery.

It’s not the size of the storm but the size of your foundation that matters.

When your words are made illegal, you are not free.

The First Amendment guarantees your right to free speech, but it doesn’t protect your right to be heard.

God can’t bless that decision you won’t make.

Life’s too short to waste it in the wrong places and with the wrong people.

Stop letting people make the worst of your best.

Don’t open doors for things that should only be seen through the peephole.

There is strength in your weakness; learn to exploit it.

Defects grow in the dark, but die in the light.

Your impossibilities are God’s opportunities.

It’s okay to be uncomfortable; it’s a temporary situation, not a lasting one.

Don’t worry about the people who don’t like you; enjoy the ones who love you.

Be the best you can right where you are; God will do the rest.

It says we are to ‘walk through the valley,’ not stop and set up residence.

Don’t allow dream killers to discredit your dreams.

When it comes to your life, your opinion is more valuable than anybody else’s.

John McCain’s brain tumor should be nominated for a Nobel Peace Prize.

He was sitting in a bar having a drink and listening to a couple of large women with accents talking to each other. “Nice accents. Are you from Scotland?”
“No, you idiot, Wales,” on replied.
“Oh, so you two are the Whales of Scotland.”

God made His point: John McCain died nine-years to the day after Ted Kennedy, and from the same cancer of the brain.

John McCain was no Barry Goldwater.

God has established His own term limits on politicians.

It used to be that the media told the unvanished truth, now it simply twists the facts and rewrites history.

The danger isn’t in the action, it is in the inaction.

Jesus stepped down into humanity to bring us up into divinity.

Terrorists are less of a threat now that we’re destroying ourself from the inside out.

Breakthroughs comes by finishing the fight.

To complain is to remain.

If you wanna fly, let go of everything that’s holding you down.

Don’t allow the circumstances that you are in to dictate your mood.

Let every dry place in your life be watered, quenched, and refreshed.

Scientifically the bumblebee cannot fly – his wingspan is too short for his body weight – but no one told the bumblebee.

You’re not an addict trying to get free; you’re a free person fighting an addiction.

Former POW and current Arizona Senator John McCain has died. What the North Vietnamese couldn’t do, God has done for us.

The Constitutional irony of being convicted of tax evasion is that evasion isn’t illegal — taxation is.

The Democrat Party’s changing its symbol to a condom: it allows for inflation, halts production, destroys the next generation, protects the dicks and gives a sense of security while being screwed.

Political correctness is a weapon designed to silence people whose arguments cannot be refuted.

A leader does not imitate but rather creates.

Our government, Democrats and Republicans, the media are all threats to our Liberty.

A Bible that’s falling apart usually belongs to someone who isn’t.

Stop rejecting new relationships simply because old ones didn’t work.

Democrats hate Confederate statues but love famous Democrats who backed the KKK.

Somedays success will consist of only the basics; celebrate them.

You do not need a reason to smile today. Your face, your choice.

You’re already connected to everything you think’s missing from your life.

he biggest battle you’ll face today is the struggle in your mind.

More people have died while obeying the state than disobeying the state.

Sociopath: a person with a personality disorder manifesting itself in extreme antisocial attitudes and behavior and a lack of conscience. Sounds like AntiFa and the Progressive media.

One person’s no is another’s person perfection.

My life is an open book and I invite anyone to be a part of it. You need to bring your own color-crayons though.

Too much comfort in one’s life will ruin it.

Progressives claim that ‘if confiscating all guns saves jus’ one life, it will be worth it.’ So by following that logic, ‘if deporting all illegal aliens saves jus’ one life wouldn’t that be worth it?’

So did the Monguls pay for China’s Great Wall? Asking for a friend.

ometimes things have to fall apart for them to come together.

Sadly cleavage wins over crazy most everytime.

You attract what you subconsciously think you deserve.

Writers are the guardians of memory.

Don’t lose yourself trying to love someone else.

If people can’t shut you up, then they can’t shut you down.

‘Listen’ and ‘silent’ are spelled with the same exact letters.

Don’t try to hurry the season you’re in.

Eat the damned chocolate cake!

You can’t conquer your mountain without climbing.

Regarding the removal of monuments: “Why are times not stored up by the Almighty, and why do those who know Him not see His days? Some remove the landmarks; they seize and devour flocks. They drive away the donkeys of the orphans; they take the widow’s ox for a pledge.” Job 12:1-3

G.O.P. = Greed Over People.

Republicans are red
Democrats are blue
Neither damn party
Cares about you.

When my son was four-years-old, we were visiting the North Coast and I treated him to handful of orange and yellow Salmon Berries. After tasting the first one, he looked at me in earnest and said, “Thank god, they don’t taste like salmon. You know I hate fish.”

The Devil whispered in my ear, “You’re not strong enough to withstand the storm.” Jesus made me a Christian; the Corps made me a Marine. He didn’t see the Kabar until it was too late. I chuckled.

Part of a real headline from the Toronto Sun: “Uranus stinks – literally: Scientists say…smells like rotten eggs.”

Maybe it wasn’t the most brilliant thing to do, but then it is my private back yard. Someone jus’ hovered a drone over me. Instead of filming it like everyone else would, I jumped up and flashed a BA at the damned thing. Wonder how long it’ll be before it gets posted on Facebook and the cop come knocking on our front door.

Five Things More Trusted Than CNN and MSNBC:
1. Breast milk from Bruce Jenner
2. Unprotected sex with Madonna
3. Having a drink will Bill Cosby
4. A Casey Anthony’s babysitting service
5. Getting text messages from Anthony Weiner

Note to the religious zealot: You are not allowed to wield the Holy Bible as if it were a club to be used as a means to batter another believer or even a non-believer into submitting to your way of thinking until such time as you are able to prove up yourself perfect without the need of Jesus Christ’s sacrifice on the cross.

When I say you’ve moved from one season into another, I’m speaking of Ecclesiastics 3. Find what season you’re in and understand what season you’re moving towards.

The Queen is coming down the Mall in an open horse drawn carraige. Sitting next to her is the King of Tongo, who is on a state visit.
Suddenly one of the horses farts. The Queen,feeling embarrassed,says to the King.”I do apologize for that your Majesty.”
The King says,” No worries ma’am, but if l had done that, l would have blamed the horse.”

A man walks by a bum as he entered a building. The bum asked him for a dime, which the man gave to him.
At couple of minutes later the same man walks out of the building only to have the same bum ask, “Hey, Mister, can you spare a quarter?”
Slightly irritated, the man asked, “Not two-minutes ago you asked me for a dime, so what changed?”
The bum responded, “Mister, you gotta quit living in the past!”

Dreamt that my high school class reunion was being held by the old swimming hole on the banks of High Praire Creek in the pasture below my childhood home in Klamath. The party started after I had began skinny-dipping and someone stole my clothes. I ended up getting out of the water to look for them and I wasn’t even embarrassed even though all of my classmates were present. Odd, odd, odd.

While I don’t like NFL players kneeling, forced ‘patriotism’ also defeats the purpose of Liberty.

Only seven-percent of your friends will see what you post because of Facebook’s algorithms.

If Jesus were as liberal as many would like to make Him out to be, He would have never instructed us to “work out your own salvation,” nor would have admonished Paul to not worry about Thomas’ place in the kingdom. Nor is the Gospel isn’t about free food, as the en mass feedings happens to be an object lesson using the the regional customs of the day.

I was jus’ thinking about the day when all four of us kids were at the Salmon Festival in Klamath, California and there were pony rides. One of the animal’s dropped a load and my sister, Deirdre exclaimed at age seven, “Wake up and smell the horses!”

Learned something new today: don’t wear a military flack-jacket as a weight-vest while on a walk. Deputy stopped to talk to me after some called to report me. When I told him I was using it as an exercise tool, he told me that he understood. Then I made him laugh by saying, ‘Must have been someone from California that called.’ He gave me a lift home.

Teens boys walking by the house called me an ‘old fart.’ Made them laugh when I returned, ‘With a new stink.’ Not all is lost.

Now is the time to guard your heart.

If you keep waiting for someone to fix you — you will remain broken.

In order to start fresh you need to break up with who you once were.

There’s that part of everyday that’s difficult. It’s that minute that falls between ‘too late for coffee’ and ‘too early for whiskey.’

The Democratic party is sinking faster than Ted Kennedy’s Oldsmobile.

Being sexy requires a lot of work…and I’m lazy.

I’ll never go bungee jumping. A cord breaking is how I was born. I don’t want it to be the reason I die.

The politically correct term for ‘slut’ is ‘viral vagina.’

“Carrots may be good for your eyes, but enough whiskey — and you can see double.”

I’m old enough to remember when there was more smoke in our cities than in our forests.

Remember when the FBI raided the home of Omarosa, who illegally recorded and released a private conversation between her and President Trump? Me, neither — but it does seem strangely black and white.

The Facebook Journalism Project is to news what Socialism is to Capitalism.

“A friend asked me ‘How is it Liberals ever found their way out of the birth canal?’ I answered, ‘Their mother’s had to push them out.’”

Somedays I simply want to be wanted by more than jus’ the police.

You can’t outrun your shadow, but you can get it in front of you where you can keep an eye on it.

The headline reads, ‘New Male Robots With Bionic Parts May Just Replace Men For Good.’ Question is — will they understand women any better?

When it comes to coffee, I can drink anyone under the table.

Had a real religious experience this morning. Stepped on the scale, looked down and exclaimed, ‘Oh, dear god!’

Every time I see a picture of a forest fire in Northern California, I can’t help think — that’s not how you barbecue Spotted Owl.

It won’t be long before Democrats will start wanting to ban MAGA-zines.

Democrats wanna get rid of straws is because they can be used for shooting spit wads, making a straw a gateway-gun.

I prefer the crass truth to the elegant lie.

First Democrat’s said ‘no soda,’ then they said, ‘no ICE,’ and finally ‘no straws.’ I’m afraid that they’re gonna die of thirst!

While following the logic of ‘Occam’s Razor,’ I cut myself on the blade.

I spent a night in Truth of Consequence, New Mexico. It was a disappointment. I lied and nothing happened.

I must be dumber than a Democrat. I still can’t figure out how the Russians get all those Trump supporters to show up at his rallies.

Now that leading sactuary city San Francisco has outlawed straws, what happens if an illegal alien gets caught using one inside city limits? Asking for a friend.

I don’t know how or even when it happened, but I’ve gone from the ‘Disco’ generation to the ‘Costco’ generation.

For years I’ve been correcting people about how they say Oregon. It’s Or-eh-gun not Oree-gone. Sadly, if the state keeps burning like it is — it will be Oree-gone.

My wife has a talent where she can take a cinnamon roll and within two minutes turn it into cinnamon buns.

It’s obvious from CNN’s farm report, they learned everything they know from ‘Green Acres.’

Remember Sybil? How did she stand living with 16 personalities? I have one and he drives me crazy.

Some folks are wise and some are simply otherwise.

I used to worry about what people thought of me — then I realized most people don’t think.

I gotta get my life together. This summer heat has made me realize I can’t go to Hell.

Go ahead — speak truth to stupidity.

We had Pop-Eye’s Chicken for dinner. The wife nearly choked to death after I told her it was cooked in Olive Oil.

My wife says I need to either stop cussing out other drivers or I should quit driving. I’m really gonna miss driving.

How can Hillary say she’s planning to run again in 2020. After all, she couldn’t even walk  up steps without help in 2016.

My wife would make a great archaeologist. She’s always digging up the past.

It’s called ‘courting’ because you’ll need a lawyer later.

He who drinks a fifth of the fourth may not be able to go forth on the fifth.

The tortoise is able to breathe through it’s butt, the human to talk out theirs.

Without coffee, what difference does it make?

Justice Kennedy has always been a Progressive, especially on social issues. Don’t believe me? Look at whose complaining that he’s retiring.

Following a threatening tweet made against Baron Trump, Peter Fonda’s new movie made only 30-thousand dollars in its opening weekend. On the brightside, he’s finally done something ‘better’ than his younger sister, Jane.

Progressives haven’t been this angry with the supreme Court since a Black man was appointed to the bench.

The Red Hen owner says her staff took a vote before demanding Press Secretary Sarah Sanders leave and the staff lost.

I wanna go to the Red Hen, have a nice meal and when done put on my MAGA hat and see if they’ll comp me.

I got it! Let’s swap Mexico for California. Problem solved!

Only in Congress can an affirmed Socialist become a multimillionaire. Says a lot about national politics.

And to think, I graduated high school without Google.

When I get rid of all the negative people in my life — I find I have nothing to do.

My youth has taught me that I don’t need fun to enjoy alcohol.

A waste is a terrible thing to mind.

President Trump wants to create a military branch called “Space Force,” then he wants to build an Earth Wall and have Mars pay for it.

Last month Democrats were in love with a porn star. This month they’re all about family values.

Guess the Honeymoon’s over. President Trump doesn’t writes back.

A size eight foot is simply too much to chew on.

Men are from Mars, women are from Venus and Progressives are from Uranus.

My wife never has to buy a bath bomb. All she has to do is feed me tacos, then wait.

There are two sides to every story — and I’m usually the troublemaker in both of them.

A California woman’s suing Krispy Kreme for selling blueberry and maple donuts that don’t contain either one. So, can I sue Eskimo Pies? I’m pretty sure they don’t really contain Eskimos.

If only Utah had a carpetbagging, flip-flopping, Trump-bashing, clueless twit of a Senate candidate named ‘Mitt.’

My wife claims that after 30-years of marriage, I don’t have to buy her a Valentines Day card. She also took away my ‘Do you think I’m stupid?’ sign.

I saw a news headline that asked where ‘global warming’ will hit the U.S. the hardest. That’s an easy answer: Al Gore’s pocketbook.

Sarcasm is to the intelligent what money is to the rich. You can’t have one without the other.

The media’s cheering the fact that California Republican Congressman Ed Royce isn’t seeking re-election making it harder for President Trump to push his agenda through the House. It’s funny how they say ‘Republican’ like they mean it.

An intoxicated Spirit Airlines passenger was arrested after peeing all over the bathroom floor during a flight. In his defense though, he did confuse the words ‘flatulence’ with ‘turbulence,’ or was that ‘intoxicants.’

An ABC legal analyst states that ousting President Trump from office using the 25th Amendment a ‘liberal pipe dream.’ And we can all bet that pipe is stuffed with ‘wacky tobaccy,’ too.

The owner of the Jacksonville Jaguars is donating a thousand playoff tickets to refugees who’ve settled in the Jacksonville area. It’s the only way they can fill the seats.

ABC’s George Stephanopoulos should become a sleazy gossip columnist. But then I repeat myself.

I tried watching the Golden Globe Awards, but with all that black and a lack of humor and talent, I thought they were broadcasting Hollywood’s funeral.

Nearly every actress wore black to the Golden Globes as a way of protesting sexual harassment. But with a name like ‘Golden Globes,’ and all that cleavage, I fail to see the point.

I went out dancing last night where I tried to ‘trip the light fandango.’ Instead the light tripped me and I ended up busting my fandango.

Utah’s Senator Orrin Hatch says he’s retiring and on the same day marijuana became legal in California. Coincidence? I think not.

A group of Chinese road workers recently found 43 fossilized dinosaur eggs. The government is accusing the workers of mislaying them.

Prince Harry described Christmas with his fiancé, Meghan Markle, as ‘fantastic,’ proving there’s nothing he wouldn’t do for a Klondike Bar.

Former President Obama claims he felt, ‘There was a sense that we had run a good race,’ as he attended President Trumps inaugural. It’s the first time Obama’s openly admitted to secretly running for a third term.

The guy who sent Secretary of the Treasury Steven Mnuchin a box of manure has been identified as a child psychologist from Los Angeles. Obviously, he’s more child than psychologist.

Progressives are angry this Christmas day. They’re accusing President Trump of colluding with God to ‘Make America Great Again.

Respectfully to my Progressive friends, please accept with no obligation, implied or explicit, my best for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low-stress, non-addictive, gender-neutral celebration of the winter solstice holiday, practiced within the most enjoyable traditions of the religious persuasion of your choice, or secular practices of your choice, with respect for the religious or secular persuasion.

Santa Claus must be feeling very confused nowadays as kids ask for the latest in technology and adults want the latest coloring book for Christmas.

‘Sesame Street’ is receiving a $100 million grant to create programming for Syrian refugee children. That should leave their inner-city kids as ignorant as our inner-city kids.

Progressives are angry that Judge Roy Moore won’t concede the senate election in Alabama after a week. Well, some folks have been waiting for Hillary to concede the presidential election she lost over a month ago.

Back in my day, what’s now being called ‘Steampunk,’ we kids knew as the television show, ‘The Wild Wild West.’

A bad Christmas movie is better than a great rap video any day.

The difference between men and women comes down to the name we call ourselves. Men will openly admit to being ‘dicks,’ ‘pricks,’ and even ‘pussies.’ Women won’t.

I heard that House Speaker Paul Ryan may retire in 2018 after much ‘soul searching.’ This could be a ‘fake news’ story — after all establishment politicians have no soul.

I used to feel bad for the old men as they sat eating by themselve at some restaurant. Now, I’m an old man that sits in restaurants eating by himself.

The entire Russian winter team’s been banned from next years Olympics. Robert Mueller’s looking into allegations that it’s President Trump’s fault.

I like my whiskey neat — till it makes me sloppy drunk.

I ordered one of those do-it-yourself security systems. It was stolen off my front porch shortly after being delivered.

The Bible’s pretty clear on tax rates, but so fuzzy on sexuality and killing babies.

White, Conservative, Christians are rioting and looting in the streets of San Francisco following the ‘not guilty verdict’ in the Kate Stienle murder case. Whoops! My bad — fake news flash.

Some people are characterizing the verdict in the Kate Stienle murder case as ‘miscarriage of justice.’ I say it’s a full-out abortion.

Good thing Kate Steinle’s murderer didn’t use the wrong pronouns. That sort of behavior isn’t tolerated in California.

After seeing the animatronic figure of President Trump, I concluded Disney had already built the ‘President Hillary’ robot and saved themselves some money by simply sticking a different wig on top of it.

If President Trump can’t get Redskins tickets, he could always go to Senator Elizabeth Warren or a scalper.

Chuck Schumer and Nancy Pelosi were represented at a White House meeting with President Trump by empty chairs — which is to say, it was the same as if they’d been there.

A new study finds that being married slows the progression of dementia. Being a married man myself, I know there’s a joke in there somewhere, I jus’ can’t remember it.

What’s the difference between a Navajo Marine yelling ‘Geronimo’ when jumping from a plane and President Trump saying ‘Pocahontas’ while honoring those same Navajo’s? Nothing. Both Geronimo and Pocahontas were real people unlike Senator Elizabeth Warren, whose a fraud.

Since the U.S. is forced to deal with North Korea, the least China could do is handle the U.S.’s southern border problem.

Despite sexual harassment claims, Senator Al Franken plans hold onto his seat. As opposed to what– holding on to someone elses’ seat?

Good news for California Democrats — Charles Manson’s eligible to vote once again.

I’m longing for the good old days. You know — 1974, when Arkansas’ Democrat Congressman Wilbur Mills and Fannie Foxe got caught splashing around in a fountain.

Muslims in Libya are selling Black people for as little a $400 each. That means every Progressive in Congress can afford one now.

As a writer for Saturday Night Live, Senator Al Franken once pitched a joke about raping an unconscious Lesley Stahl. That’s sick. I mean really? Lesley Stahl!?

All Judge Roy Moore has to do is switch parties and become a Democrat again. Problem solved.

Mattel’s going to have to issue a recall of the new Hijab-wearing Barbie. Democrats could accidently poke an eye out while playing with the toy’s Olympic-style sword.

Democrat’s say they’ve found that Attorney General Jeff Session must be colluding with the Russians. They claim he uses Russian salad dressing instead of Ranch.

Now I have to keep my G.I Joe in a seperate room and away from my new Hijab-wearing Barbie.

Who needs Russia when Democrats are rigging their own elections?

The last time I decided to go with the flow — I learned to late that I needed a paddle.

Minding my own business involves such things as — not telling my next-door neighbor that his flags are displayed incorrectly.

‘Trump-hating’ comedian Kathy Griffin fainted during her comedy show in Dublin, Ireland. It’s the funniest thing she’s done in years.

You can lead a Progressive to common sense, but you can’t make them think.

After a squirrel ran up my wife’s leg, I commented, ‘Obviously out collecting nuts.’ She took it wrong — now I’m sleeping on the couch.

If everything were fair and equal in this world, the Clintons would be in jail and I’d be filthy rich.

Have you looked at the the criminal records of some of these NFL players? Most of them should be inmates.

I told my wife that she had an attitude this morning. She’s decided to spend the rest of the day proving it.

Most folks don’t know their ‘a’ from their ‘o.’

The real privilege of being ‘White,’ is being called a racist because you are White.

Hillary’s the O.J. of politics. She’s still looking for the ‘real killer’ of her campaign.

Chelsea Handler says she’s not returning to NetFlix because she wants to persue politics. So far, no word on what her breasts plan to do.

When it comes to women, I’m pretty stupid. Glad my brain isn’t equipped with a penis.

Movie-mogel Harvey Weinstein has pissed off all of Hollywood. The question remains — with all the women he misused — when did he have time to make a movie?

A UK policeman has been fired for joking that terrorist should be wrapped in bacon. I say good for his bosses. What a terrible thing to do to a piece of bacon!

During a recent Planned Parenthood gala, actress Lena Dunham claimed that she wished she’d had an abortion. What she’s really saying is that she wishes she could find a man who’ll have sex with her.

Never play leap-frog with a unicorn. They’re real butt-heads.

The difference between Obama and Trump is that one constantly said, ‘I’m sorry,’ and the other, ‘You’ll be sorry.’

Shofar, shogood — I haven’t heard any Heavenly horns marking the end of the world.

If Hillary Clinton really wanted us to read her book, she would have her published her emails instead of complaining about losing to Trump.

A friend reports that Hillary Clinton is charging $10 a pop for her to sign her new book. That’s more than the book is worth.

Remember when Meathead’s dad Carl Reiner starred in “The Russian’s are Coming,” mocking Russophobia?

The Leonardo DiCaprio Foundation awarded $20 million in eco-grants to more than 100 organizations around the world. Too bad he can’t afford commercial airline tickets.

When I learned about the ‘American Dream,’ it didn’t include so-called DREAMers.

So they’re airing the 69th Primetime Emmy Awards? No wonder they’re so screwed.

I was asked once if I had always wore my heart on my sleeve. I answered no, that when I was a little kid, it was mostly boogers.

Harvard University has named Chelsea Manning as a ‘fellow,’ at one of it’s many schools. And here I thought she been trying to shed her image of the former man she was.

When my psychiatrist said a year ago that I would be in a completely different place mentally — I didn’t know he meant the hospital.

I saw the remake of the TV horror movie, ‘It.’ I was disappointed. The film isn’t half as frightening as the clowns that are running the government.

NBC’s Katy Tur claims her heart stopped when President Trump kissed her on the cheek. No wonder her reporting seems so zombie-like; turns out she is one.

Hillary Clinton says she wants to make voo-doo dolls of reporters and politicians and stick them with pins. I think she must have heard wrong — it’s bitch not witch.

UNLV is tied for first place in ‘diversity’ ranking. Too bad it isn’t for education.

The same party that supports DACA, supports abortion. They can’t have it both ways.

A UC Santa Cruz professor says having sex with trees will save the planet. Adds new meaning to screwing a knothole.

I hate to break this to the media, Antifa and Black Lives Matter, but President Trump is now Barack Obama’s president.

The basic difference between the two parties is that Democrats see what they believe, while Republicans believe what they see.

Folks on welfare shouldn’t celebrate Labor Day.

President Trump is catching flak after he mixed up to blonde Finnish female reporters. I can’t say as I blame him since they all look alike.

‘Pray for Texas?’ Hell, the Lone Star state’ll be fine. It’s the rest of the nation that needs God’s help!

I wish I still had my Ronnie Reagan decoder ring. I’d show Progressives what-for.

I remember when the sidewalk was a kind of social media, but where you couldn’t ‘block’ people when there was disagreement.

Breakfast, my backside! Coffee’s the most important meal of the day!

Five-hundred channels on my television and eight of them carried the MTV Music Awards. No wonder I can’t find anything good to watch.

Apparently we’re the only nation ignorant enough to start a second Civil War because some folks are offended by the first Civil War.

Progressives think the U.S. is like an episode of Oprah. The rest of us know it’s more like the Jerry Springer Show.

You know the left is derailed when they get upset over a sportscaster named Robert Lee, but see nothing wrong about a president with the middle name of ‘Hussein.’

I really screwed up. My wife said she was going to the grocery store, so I made out a shopping list. She continues to look at me with some suspicion.

You gotta be some kind of special stupid if you’re a White person holding a sign that reads, ‘White People Suck.’

Sometimes I wish my house were a museum. Then perhaps I wouldn’t feel so damned old.

I’m no longer gonna call ‘AntiFa’ by their name. Instead I’m gonna call them, ‘Auntie Farts,’ because both stink.

Heaven isn’t a politically correct place. In fact, I bet God allows deviled eggs, deviled ham and devils food cake up there.

What’s happening at the WH reminds me of Christmas dinner with the family. The media gets to sit at the big people’s table while Trump sits at the kiddie’s table.

I heard a report that Hillary Clinton wants to become a preacher. I got news for her — it won’t save her from Hell.

There was an explosion at a mosque in Minnesota over the weekend. It’s being investigated as an act of terror when it should be listed as a ‘workplace accident.’

I keep seeing the saying, ‘Where the mind goes, the man follows.’ Well in my case, where my face goes, my butt follows.

I jus’ learned that the jellyfishes mouth is also it’s anus…sorta like Chuck Schumer and Nancy Pelosi’s.

I don’t wanna say I ate too much this weekend, but when I went to pull on my jeans — I decided to wear sweatpants instead.

There are reports that there’s a ‘dead zone,’ the size of New Jersey in the Gulf of Mexico. Hell, that’s what I though New Jersey was famous for in the first place.

I saw a Facebook meme that read: ‘She turns her can’t into cans.’ I immediately realized that she’s in the recycling business.

Being popular on Facebook is like sitting at the popular table in the lunch room of a mental hospital.

If a monkey takes a picture of himself while in the woods, does he still own the copyright to that selfie?

One of my neighbors is a doctor and he’s pissed at me. I told him that his bleeding heart was being supplied by his effeminate artery.

Because I’m Irish, I don’t mind being called a ‘Mick,’ but damn it, my name is Elmo not Elmer!

I think I heard it right: ‘Fat John’ kills ‘Skinny Bill.’

Fire. Reince. Repeat.

I washed my hands after using the public restroom where the soap smelled really good. However, one should never walk out smelling your fingers. Trust me on this one.

I’ve finally started my ‘bucket list,’ by getting the bucket. So now what?

Ninety people had to be hospitalized for excessive drinking following Chances the Rapper show in Conneticut. That shouldn’t be surprising — a lot of people have to get overly-drunk in order to listen to his music.”

O.J. Simpson has been paroled. And he already has a job offer — working security at the Towering Inferno.

Someone broke into Nevada’s U.S. Senator Dean Heller’s office and left a threatening note. CNN claims Putin put President Trump up to it.

So George Romero, the writer and director behind the classic horror movie, ‘Night of the Living Dead,’ has died. Now, I want to see if he’ll return as a zombie.

At least half of the success of any marriage is being able to properly yell, ‘What?’ from the other room without sounding angry.

Obama continues to warn the world about ‘global warming.’ He’s the perfect spokesman since he’s so full of hot air.

The way the media keeps digging up ‘dirt’ on Trump’s Russian meeting, soon they’ll be unearthing Lenin and Stalin.

My new name for the media is ‘Russia Baiters and Trump Haters.’

You know it’s either too hot or too cold when after working for a long time in your yard, you walk into your air-conditioned home and develop brain-freeze.

Crying over spilled milk is a no-no. Crying over spilled coffee in the morning…well, that’s another story altogether.

Nevada’s ‘Hookers for Healthcare’ is campaigning against the GOP’s healthcare bill, meaning that on one side are people who sell themselves for money, on the other are prostitutes.

FOX News reports that ‘a man caught a 1,033 pound Hammerhead.’ Her father is demanding he marry her.

My mom told me that I shouldn’t play with my food — but she never said anything about my words!

To hear tell, Islam has nothing to do with terrorism, but yet cristicizing Islam, that will create more terrorists.

God has a sense of humor. How do I know? Feet smell and noses run.

The fight over which inauguration had the larger crowd continues. Jus’ like Progressives – they say size doesn’t matter – but then…

If I were a woman and I worked as a fashion model, I’d be pissed that a woman, who was once a man, had taken my high paying job!

Too young for LifeAlert and to old for Twitter.

We see Progressives holding signs all the time saying ‘Share the Wealth,’ but never one that reads, ‘Share the Work.’

The average man worries about what the federal government and his wife spend. However he’s not afraid to criticize the federal government.

We don’t need the federal government to make sure the buffalo roam and the skies are not cloudy all day.

Male privilege is a garbage man cleaning up after a million women marching to protest male privilege.

I was told to read ‘Hayek.’ Hell, I didn’t even know the actress was a writer.

The terror organization, Hamas is threatening violence and a Holy War if the U.S. moves its embassy to Jerusalem. Who can blame them – their threats have always worked before.

Perspective is a strong point of view. For instance a man went to the doctor and the doctor gave him two months to live, so the man shot the doctor. The judge on the other hand gave the man, life.

If you know that I like dogs better than most people, what in the hell would make you think I like politicians at all?!

After watching a police officer pepper-spray violent protestors during a rioting, I realized that ‘participation awards’ also come in liquid form.

Once President Trump begins draining the swamp, he’ll need a haz-mat suit.

The true Feminist is the woman who revels in the fact that she CAN DO what a man CAN’T DO.

With a million women marching yesterday — a million men found themselves at home alone, enjoying the peace and quiet.

After yesterday, President Trump should have more than enough materials to build a wall — and more are on there way. Progressives are still shitting brick since his inauguration.

After yesterdays ‘Million Woman’ march around the world and all the talk about vaginas and screwing over men, the World Health Organization should expect a pandemic of ear infections.

Two circuses came to a close recently. One lasted 146-years, the other — only eight-years — thankfully.

I opened the front door to my home and found a cougar standing there. Then I realized it was my wife.

The Million Women March is happening in Washington D.C. today, where they’re talking about their vaginas. Instead of demanding chastity belts they should be wanting straight-jackets.

For all the help Russian President Putin gave to President Trump, I didn’t see him at the inauguration today. What gives?!

So far more than 60 Congressional Democrats are refusing to attend President-elect Trumps inauguration. Meanwhile, the cast of ‘The Walking Dead,’ has openings for more zombies.

Environmentalists want everyone to think we’re going to become extinct due to ‘global warming.’ Obviously, these Progressives are as smart as the Piltdown Man.

Progressives continue to claim that the only way there will be peace in the Middle East is through a two-state solution. Want to understand how that won’t work — jus’ look at California.

Ringling Brother’s is going out of business and many say it’s because they got rid of the elephants. That wasn’t supposed to happen. The real target was the GOP.

So much for self-policing — BuzzFeed and CNN news feeds are still available on Facebook.

Being politically incorrect makes me an equal opportunity offender.

The pissing prostitutes story is true. The whores turned out to be Buzzfeed and CNN pissing all over journalism.

President Obama gave the Medal Freedom to Vice-president Joe Biden — after all, for the last eight-years, Biden’s been free to say and do stupid stuff.

Since the Black Congressional Caucus doesn’t want a painting depicting law enforcement officers as pigs removed from the capitol building, perhaps the KKK can supply a painting depicting Black looters as monkeys.

I called my Congressman to report a problem and before I could tell him what it was, he told me not t worry, it would be resolved by noon on the 20th.

Dairy farmer’s in California must collect the methane gases being expelled by their cows. State lawmakers must not know that cows have no fingers.

The Ford Motor Company chose the U.S.over Mexico, but then, so have most Mexicans.

Senator Chuck Schumer claims the U.S. can’t afford a ‘Twitter presidency.’ Yet we managed to survive eight-years of a ‘Twittle-Dee and Twittle-Dum’ presidency.

Happiness is not having to call my wife to get bail money on New Year’s day.

Mariah Carey’s New Year’s Eve Performance is indicative of President Obama’s last year in office. Neither ended on a high note.

The Progressive media is more interested in how MMA fighter Ronda Rousey was destroyed by Amanda Nunes in 48-seconds than it has been during the eight years President Obama has tried to destroy the U.S.

‘Black Lives Matter’ is so scared of the truth, even Stevie Wonder can see it.

I jus’ went for a run. It’s amazing how far our bathroom is from my recliner.

Come to find out — I’m one of those people you see at Walmart.

Every since he ran for President, Progressives have called Donald Trump ‘Hitler.’ It’s laughable since now he’s the only one defending Israel.

The engineer who fell asleep at the controls of a train that killed four people, is getting a life-time pension for his sleep apnea. Meanwhile, U.S. veterans, who’ve risked their lives and killed terrorist as ordered, can’t get medical care from the country served.

George Michael will not be performing at President-elect Donald Trumps inauguration. The organization GLAAD claims he died as a result of a YouTube video.

Sixty-eight members of the Alexandrov Ensemble, the official choir of the Russian Armed Forces, died in a Christmas Eve plane crash. Democrats are ecstatic that the choir won’t be appearing at Donald Trumps’ inauguration.

You know you’re getting old when Santa starts looking younger.

Grandma Got Run Over By A Reindeer. Democrats are blaming Donald Trump.

Hillary Clinton had nearly 3million more votes more than President-elect Donald Trump. As for Trump, he had nearly 3million less votes from illegal aliens.

If you think ‘Baby, It’s Cold Outide,’ is about date rape, maybe you’d feel better if it were a song about two guys and called ‘Buddy, It’s Cold Outside.’

The Los Angeles Lakers are planning to build larger-than-life statue of Shaquille O’Neal in front of the Staples Center. With Shaq standing seven feet, one inch — isn’t ‘larger-than-life’ a bit of a redundancy?

So, what do you call a basement full of Progressives? A whine cellar.

No one knows how many Progressives it would take to defend the United States. None have ever tried.

President Obama has told Russian President Putin to ‘cut it out,’ when it comes to hacking. He added, ‘If you don’t — I’ll tell mom!’

Nothing says fat like getting dress up for a Christmas party.

Sanctuary cities plus sanctuary universities minus federal tax dollars equals higher crime rate and greater tuition costs.

George W. Bush trusted the word of the 16 intel agencies and we ended up with ‘Bush lied. People died!’ Donald Ttrumps disputes them and it becomes, ‘How dare he impugn their integrity?’

Yahoo says it has been hacked and that the info stolen may include names, email addresses, phone numbers, birthdates and security questions and answers. This is the same Yahoo that worked with federal spy agencies, giving them access to its users emails. Damn those Russians!

The only reason for a straight-male to like Chelsea Handler are her boobs. It’s her mouth that is unbecoming.

My life is like an open book. So what if it’s a coloring book.

Military academy sports events like the Army-Navy Game are the only places where all the players are willing to die for the people watching.

I’m so glad men fight each other when they feel territorial. If they we were dog’s, as I’ve learned, we’d simply pee on everthing.

Fake news defeated Hillary like a fake video caused Benghazi.

As biased as the media is I’m surprised no one has picked up on the fact that Donald Trump is forcing a Black family from their home.

I don’t mind admitting to playing with dolls. But be warned before you make fun of me — they’re voodoo dolls.

Now that General James Mattis has been tapped for the job of Secretary Defense, there’s talk of him running for president in four years. If he does he has the perfect campaign slogan, ‘Mad Dog 20-20.’

I finally got fed up with my Windows 10 digital agent Cortana, which keeps prompting me to ask her anything. So I asked Cortana to go to Hell and she jus’ laughed at me.

If I’m my brother’s keeper, I didn’t do a very good job. He’s dead.

It’s Annual World AIDS Day once again. Celebrating a day has never saved anyone from HIV/AIDS. It didn’t save my mom or step-dad.

My wife never complained. Then I got hearing aides.

Levi Strauss is banning guns from his stores. And now you know why I wear Wranglers.

Female friends on Facebook keep claiming that all their bras are missing. I think Donald Trump burned them.

I pride myself on being a know-it-all, except knowing when to shut-up.

I’ve jihad it with terrorists and those who refuse to acknowledge that it exists.

I decided to do the ‘Mannequin Challenge.’ My son says it doesn’t count because I was asleep at the time.

If the movie ‘Radio’ were to remade today, Cuba Gooding, Jr.’s character would be known as ‘Bluetooth.’

Fidel Castro has died of natural causes, meaning God has done what the CIA couldn’t!

Cuban Dictator Fidel Castro spent his entire life battling capitalism. Ironic that he should die on ‘Black Friday.’

The people who raise money for politicians are proof that a fool is born every minute.

After eating too much Thanksgiving dinner, if I weren’t already wearing sweat pants — I’d be naked.

That can of SPAM I jus’ ate, says I’m a family of six!

I finally quit drinking for good. But nothing says I can’t drink for evil.

I’m planning to buy myself a pair of shoes that fit my personality…loafers.

While we get Donald Trump for President, all George Soros gets after spending $300 million is a Hillary Clinton t-shirt.

Historically, it can be stated that Democrats never let Republicans simply enjoy a play.

Numbers don’t lie — but the people who use them — do.

Jesus says to ‘Do unto others as you wish to be done unto.’ This includes you masochists too.

Crime by it’s very nature –is ‘hate,’ thus calling something a ‘hate crime’ is a redundancy — kind of like governmental mismanagement.

The Progressives in the GOP -controlled House are taking the building of a wall on our southern border seriously. The jus’ passed a bill that will increase the cost of cement.

When everyone gets a trophey for participation, then nobody knows how to lose when it happens.

I jus’ saved a ton of money on Christmas presents by discussing politics on Facebook.

Donald Trump is good for the economy as the stock market hit record highs. But more importantly, he’s found work for Alec Baldwin.

President Obama is getting to keep his legacy like we got to keep our doctors.

After looking at last nights election map, I realized that Donald Trump has better coverage across America than Obamacare.

Anthony Weiner was seen riding around a sex addiction rehab’s grounds on a horse. I wanna know – is the horse safe — and where is PETA when you need them?

Thanks to Hillary Clinton’s so-called joke, we now know that its Anthony Weiner’s laptop that needs to be wiped down. Literally.

I never thought I’d be thankful that a bunch of ‘Weiner-pics’ could save America.

Those Russian hackers are better than we thought. They stole Hillary Clinton’s emails from the NSA, put them on Huma’s laptop and pinned it on Weiner.

Sometimes while listening to Donald Trump speak, I get serious flashbacks. I’m suddenly reminded of my Marine Corps Drill Instructors.

The Obama administration is forcing 10-thousand California National Guard members to return their bonuses, but Vetrans Administration officials get to keep theirs.

When I was younger I used to watch horror movies and get scared. Now that I’m older and I see what out government is up to and all the dirty politics, I understand what real fright is.

The Nevada secretary of state’s office on reported Democrats outpace Republican by nearly 90,000 people on Friday. No word yet on how many of those have already had funerals.

It’s a good thing the Twitter outage happened late on a Friday. Had it been any other day, all those poor jouranlists would have been sitting around twittling their thumbs.

Apparently, it is more dangerous to report on voter fraud than it is to commit voter fraud according to President Obama.

Look, I want my fifteen minutes of fame. Maybe I should claim Donald Trump touched me too.

Finally, proof that Osama Bin Laden is actually dead. He registered to vote as a Democrat in Chicago, yesterday.

What do you call a debate between two Progressives? A FOX news program.

Who cares what Trump said back in 2005. He was Democrat then — so it wasn’t his fault.

Hillary Clinton blamed Abraham Lincoln for her dishonesty during the second presidential debate. I bet ol’ Abe would rather go watch another play than watch another presidential debate.

You know we’re screwed when even the press says Hillary Clinton can win because Donald Trump’s too much like her husband.

Life’s already a bitch. Don’t elect one.

Hillary Clinton wrote a book in the 90s titled, ‘It Takes a Village.’ That means Tim Kaine’s her idiot.

The problem with keeping up with the Jones’s is not knowing who the Jones’s are keeping up with.

Green Bay Packers tight end Jared Cook discovered a chicken head in his Buffalo Wild Wings order on Tuesday. He still hasn’t said whether it tasted like chicken or not.

Alicia Keys, Tamron Hall, Kim Kardashian and Gabrielle Union among others are all going makeup-free these days in order to stop being pressured to be perfect. Secretly though — they don’t want to be mistaken for clowns.

Both CNN and MSNBC have announced that Hillary Clinton won the next debate.

In the recent presidential debate, Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump came to a draw. It was Lester Holt who lost.

When it comes to Muslim refugees, Sweden appears to be suffering from Stockholm Syndrome.

Bloomberg TV plans to fact check both Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump during their first presidential debate. In order to prevent cheating on Trumps part, they’ve hired FBI Director James Comey to oversee the project.

I read a news headline that claimed, ‘Billions of fleas with massive penises are about to invade your bedroom.’ It’s okay — my wife won’t sleep with them either.

President Obama claimed that the Clinton Foundation has saved thousands of lives while out stumping for Hillary. The question is can the foundation save Hillary’s life?

With our country going to hell in a hand basket, Hillary has told us exactly what will be in it when it gets there.

Obamacare and 94 million American have one thing in common — neither are working.

The difference between Hillary Clinton and Hindenburg is that one is a flaming bag of gas while the other is a dirigible.

I opened my mouth to yell at a driver who cut me off — and my foot fell out.

I thought my cousin forgot to wish me a ‘Happy Labor Day,’ then I remembered he’s been out of work for three years now.

The one thing no one has been able to find in Hillary’s emails is anything about yoga.

Hillary and Huma claim they can manage th White House staff, but in reality — they can’t even manage their husband’s staffs.

Although it denied bias, Facebook changed it’s news feed bar to end biases, meaning it admits they were there in the first place.

Nixon opened relations with China, Reagan opened the Berlin Wall, Obama opened bathrooms and Hillary opened a jar of pickles.

Guns don’t kill people, but crossing Hillary Clinton does.

I’m glad the Olympics are over. Now I can get back to watching a bunch of nothing on TV again.

Cops had to bust up a party that Malia Obama was involved in. Don’t be shocked — if she’s gonna be like her daddy — she gotta start somewhere.

Black Lives Matter isn’t in Louisiana because you can’t burn buildings that are underwater.

One should not do anything incredibly stupid when calling others stupid! Oops — too late.

President Obama is like Emperor Nero who ‘fiddled while Rome burned.’ In obama’s case, he golfed while Milwaukee burned and as Louisiana drowned.

CBS News is reporting that Lake Mead near Las Vegas is drying up. If it’s so. maybe this is God’s way of breaking the Denocratic strong-hold over Southern Nevada.

If kids these days don’t stop complaining about everything were gonna have to change, ‘Life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness,’ to ‘Life, liberty and the pursuit of helplessness.’

The New World Order Pope Francis plus President Hillary Clinton will equal Hell on Earth.

Sixty-seven percent of Americans, when asked say they don’t want the Clinton’s back in the White House. The other 33-percent are still wanting to know who these Clintons’ were that the pollsters kept asking about.

The FBI is warning local law enforcement to be aware of threats made against them by the ‘Black Guerrilla Family.’ Evidently, being call ‘monkey’ isn’t enough.

Pope Francis says that if he has to talk about Islamic violence, he has to also talk about Catholic violence. I’m pretty sure he’s not meaning Democratic VP nominee Tim Kaine’s kind of un-Catholic violence though.

Ford and Jose Cuervo are teaming up to make carparts out of the byproducts of tequila production, which kind of defeats the purpose of ‘don’t drink and drive.

The character ‘Commander Data,’ from ‘Star Trek, the Next Generation,’ must have been a Progressive too. He didn’t understand sarcasm or humor either.

Jumping the fence at the border will get you invited to the Democratic National Convention. Jumping the fence at the DNC will get you arrested.

Former Vice President Al Gore will not be attending the Democratic National Convention. He’s still too busy trying to ‘chill out.’

If the U.S. were run by techie-nerds, they’d want to shut the country down for 30-seconds before restarting it.”

Ignorance is chanting that Trump is a hater, while wearing a shirt emblazened with the image of Che’ Guevara.

When it comes to the arguement between whether ‘Black Lives Matter,’ ‘Blue Lives Matter’ or ‘All Lives Matter,’ the real truth is that to the federal government, ‘No Lives Matter.’

Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg says she doesn’t want to think about Donald Trump winning the White House. That’s the problem — she doesn’t think.

My wife gave away all my empty military ammo cans — so I’m giving away all of her Tupperware.

The term ‘fire cracker’ is considered racist. The new term is ‘fire caucasian.’

Since meeting with Loretta Lynch, Bill Clinton has dropped out of sight. Come to think of it, so has Noor Salman, the Orlando terrorists’ widow. Could they be sharing the same safe house?

George Washington, Thomas Jefferson and Benjamin Franklin were into Brexit long before Brexit was popular.

Whenever I’m feeling stupid, I jus’ remember there are people out there who voted twice for Obama.

I predict that today will be sunny with a one-hundred percent chance of coffee!

ISIS stands for ‘Intense Sex Involving Sheep.’

When one politician accuses another politician of lying — you know one of them isn’t telling the truth.

Russia has a Georgia and the U.S. has a Georgia. Coincidence? Watch for the upcoming investigation into the Putin-Trump connection.

Jus’ as I suspected — after watching the Democrats staging a sit-in at the House of Representatives — they really do sit on their asses and get nothing done.

There used to be a time when Progressives thought ‘no-fly’ and ‘terrorist’ watch lists were an Orwellian hallmark reserved for the Bush Administration.

Since politicians want more background checks done on prospective gun-owners, I say we should do more background checks on prospective politicians.

It’s fun to hear the media try and explain how the D.C. shooter doesn’t represent all Democrats — but he does represent all gun-owners.

I was asked if I thought my cup was half-full or half-empty. I answered, ‘I was thirsty.’

Following the Orlando terror attacks some Republicans who self-identify as such, are now transitioning into Democrats.

Canada says because it’s at ‘war,’ with the U.S., it plans to grow a 8891 kilometer ‘privacy hedge’ along the border the two nations share.

North Korean Dictator Kim Jong Un has offered to host peace talks between the U.S. and Canada.

Justin Trudeau took a browbeating and it came unglued.

Hillary Clinton might become our first ‘f’ president — sorry about that — the ’emale’ got deleted.

I’d like to know how the Russian’s tricked then-DNC chair Donna Brazile into giving CNN’s debate questions to Hillary Clinton.

My ears didn’t get this big by talking.

A news video shows two Sanders factions squaring off in a street-fight before discovering they were on the same losing side and that Donald Trump was the winner.

If an Ariana Grande concert’s the best England can do to fight Islamic terrorism, then as a country, they’re screwed.

Capitalism doesn’t work unless you want to purchase something.

The number one cause of Global Warming will soon be man-made due to the number of candlelight vigils held following a terror attack.

To hell with, ‘Run, hide and tell.’ I prefer, ‘Draw, aim and squeeze.’

The headline reads, ‘Walmart is pulling out of Brazil’ and Brazil isn’t happy about it.

My wife complained that it took her less time to birth our children than for me to go poop. I had to remind her that my poop doesn’t hang around for 18-years afterwards.

Authorities warned that you shouldn’t try to roast marshmallows over the lava pouring out of the Hawaiian volcano. But they never said a thing about hotdogs.

With the way gas prices are going up and up, Democrats may have bought themselves the next election.

If you can fish from the back of your horse, you jus’ might be a cowboy.

Kathy Griffin’s lawyer claims her client is a ‘edgy comedian.’ It’s true — after all she cuts her own throat every time she opens her mouth.

France is offering American Liberals asylum from Global Warming. That and ISIS needs more targets.

I have finally figured out how the White House rose garden stays so nice. Did you see all manure that gathered to listen to President Trump speak?

I’ve tried unsuccessfully to fulfill my bucket list — then I discovered it was actually a spaghetti strainer.

The U.S. pulled out of the Paris Accord — and boy is she pissed.

I am the asshole your toilet paper’s been warning you about for years.

ABC thinks Roseanne Barr’s comments about Valerie Jarrett were so bigoted, that they’ve asked her to co-host ‘The View.’

It’s far better to drink the coffee than the Kool-Aid.

When I was younger I used to get a ‘runner’s high’ from jogging. Today, all I have to do is bend over and tie my shoes.

From now on my AR-15’s going to be known as an MS-13.

A company in Mexico is producing a new toilet paper called, ‘Trump.’ It’s single ply, rough and doesn’t take crap off anyone, especially the media.

A Philadelphia city councilman was stabbed in the back during a robbery. What makes this news-worthy is the fact that it’s completely the opposite of what usually happens.

The world would be a better place if everyone took a ‘chill pill.’ It would be even better if a few choked on it.

The headline says that the Villaraigosa’s campaign is accusing Gavin Newsom’s backers of foul play in California’s governors race. And I say…like..duh…they’re both Democrats.

I don’t play ‘Monopoly’ anymore, because money, even fake money changes me.

Kyle Busch won the Coca Cola 600. What fool drives that far for a soda pop?

God has a sense of humor. If he didn’t, he wouldn’t have a volcano belching more CO2 in a day than mankind has produced in 200-years on the Democrat-controlled island of Hawai’i.

ABC’s canceled Roseanne Barr’s show after she tweeted that Obama advisor Valerie Jarrett was the offspring of the movie, Planet of the Apes. You know the one – it’s where a bunch of White folk run around pretending to be apes.

It appears the only standard left in this country anymore is the ‘double standard.

They keep saying ‘Right to Try’ like the bill gives you a ‘right’ when it’s really only a ‘privilege.’

Some people say they’ll stick with you through thick and thin, but then you have to realize that most peoples’ thick IS thin.

All Trump has to do to get his poll numbers up is wait for Hillary to give a speech.

Seth Rich’s shooting death wasn’t a case of random gun violence. Had it been, Democrats would have used it to lobby for more anti-gun laws.

The media has spent more time on Ben Jacobs’ broken glasses than on Seth Rich’s murder.

Don’t judge me by the people I hang out with. Instead, judge me by the people I avoid.

‘Globalism’ is a Libyan putting a bomb made with Polish nails in a Chinese backpack to blow up a concert by an American singer in England.

It’s almost summer and in some places in the U.S., especially on university campuses, it’s still snowflaking.

It’s too bad that the media can’t find a single link between terrorists and terror attacks.

“Only in Washington D.C. is there shock when a politician lies. Everywhere else in the U.S., it’s a given.”

Nearly every politician in Washington D.C seems to disregard the U.S. Constitution until they’re called to testify before Congress. Then the only amendment that they can remember is the Fifth.

Bangkok; two dirty words, one nasty city.

You know you live in a ‘redneck’ world when you’re bowling and you ask a woman for her number and she says ‘Lanes 23 and 24.’

“As my wife watched the Royal Wedding on TV, I couldn’t help but notice how well 92-year-old Queen Elizabeth navigated the steps of the church — compared to how a much younger Hillary Clinton can’t.”

“If you’re waiting for the deer population to rise up against humanity — don’t worry — we still have the Second Amendment to protect us.”

“Facebook says it’s teaming up with Qualcomm to work on high-speed wireless Internet. Translation: ‘We wanna get the fake news to you quicker.’”

“Sorry that I didn’t answer my cellphone when you called me. But I don’t have an app for that.”

“My wife and I have the perfect agreement. I make the plans and she alters them.”

“If one more person asks me about whether I hear, ‘Yanni’ or ‘Laurel,’ I’m gonna find a ‘laurel’ and stuff it up their ‘yanni.’

“Remember when Americans didn’t give two-cents notice about a British Royal Wedding?…Pepperidge Farms remembers.”

“Ahhh…yet another royal wedding I can’t wait to miss.”

“Forget about all the talk of waterboarding terrorists, make them watch ‘The View’ instead.”

“Now we know what the MS in MSNBC really stands for.”

“What’s being calling a ‘hashtag’ was called the ‘pound’ sign at one time. So imagine my surprise when the ‘pound-me-too,’ movement became a news story.”

“The more I learn about the investigation into President Trump, the more I think Robert Mueller’s trying to replace Lady Liberty with Stormy Daniels.”

“Should common sense ever make a comeback, some politician will figure out a way to tax it.”

“Everytime I hear someone complain that they have a bladder the ‘size of a pea,’ I think ‘depending on how it’s spelled, we all have a bladder the size of a pee.’”

“The newest fashion trend is kid’s dying their hair gray. If you ask me, that’s misappropriating the ‘Senior Citizen’ culture.”

“If I get any fatter, I’m going to need a ‘wide load’ sign jus’ to pass through the kitchen.”

“We’re not teaching our dogs very well anymore. When I was a kid every dog knew to stay out of the way when I was swinging a stick.”

“I asked my wife if we could buy a riding lawn mower. She answered, ‘Are you crazy?’ Had to remind her that I take medicine for exactly that reason.”

“Back in my day we had a variation of today’s ‘Fidget Spinner.’ We called it twiddling your thumbs.”

“There might be 12 laws of karma, but the only one you need to remember is the one where karma sneaks up and kicks you in butt.”

“Following an election night phone call with Trump, Obama called him ‘nothing but a bullshitter.’ As grandpa used to say, ‘Better the bullshitter than the bullshit.'”

“Impeachment requires proof of ‘high crimes and misdemeanors,’ but so far all Trump can be accuses of is pissing off Democrats and the media.”

“I remember when long distance telephone calls took 15 minutes to complete. Now I use my wife’s cellphone to call my cellphone when I can’t find it.”

“Breaking news: the news is broken!”

“I remember when long distance telephone calls took 15 minutes to complete. Now I use my wife’s cellphone to call my cellphone when I can’t find it.”

“I must be getting old. I looked at the pit bull but forgot to look at the woman the dog was walking.”

“It’s not really hoarding if it’s books, right?”

“Don’t call me a crazy old man. I may prove you right and I don’t think you’ll like it.”

“I’m sure glad yawning is more contagious than farting.”

“Remember that ‘taco tummy’ eventually leads to ‘burrito butt.’

“Never do anything half ass. Be a complete ass or be nothing.”

“President Obama claims he may have eaten lead paint as a little kid. If he did, that would explain a lot of things.”

“For the second time today I grabbed my wallet thinking it was my cellphone. It doesn’t ring either.”

“My wife says peeing on her rose bushes doesn’t count as naked gardening.”

“I planned to do some naked gardening but a bottle of whiskey got in my way.”

“That high horse most folks ride is really a jack-ass.”

“An Australian restaurant’s selling donkey-meat burgers and you can bet they taste like ass.”

“I asked the waitress for a ‘quickie,’ and she slapped my face. My wife tells me it’s pronounced ‘Quiche.'”

“I used to feel bad for the old man sitting in a diner, eating by himself. But now I get it, he was actually getting away from his wife and sister-in-law.”

“My wife says Bill Cosby was found guilty because the proof was in the pudding.”

“Now that Prince Harry and Meghan Markle have said they don’t want traditional wedding gift’s, what am I going to do with this toaster?”

“The FBI was created in response to organized crime. Now, the FBI is the organized crime.”

“People who refuse to buy into what I say can’t afford me.”

“Jennifer Lawrence’s latest movie ‘Red Sparrow’ is due out March 2. Waiting to hear her torpedo it too by mouthing off about President Trump.”

“Think about it: we squint at the sun because it’s bright and at people because they’re not.”

“The difference between ‘winter fat’ and ‘spring rolls’ is the time of year.”

“Okay, if they’re going to start calling themselves ‘Scouts BSA,’ what does the ‘B’ stand for? Asking for a transsexual friend.”

“Everyone keeps asking me what I’d do for a Klondike Bar, but nobody ever asks me what I’d do for a cup of coffee.”

“I think I’ve come up with a solution to end school shootings. Ban all federally funded schools.”

“The headline reads: ‘Thousands of 20-pound rodents are invading California.’ But I’ll bet all politicians in the state weigh more than 20-pounds each.”

“Kate Gosselin’s going to star on a new reality show called ‘Kate Plus Date.’ If all goes well the spin-off will be called “Kate IS Late.”

“When President Trump first denied ‘global warming,’ I’ll bet he never thought he’d be taking heat about ‘Stormy Daniels.'”

“Don’t be surprised if one day, the Ninth Circuit Court overturns Kim Jong Un’s decision and orders North Korea to resume nuclear testing.”

“Polls says that President-elect Trump has the lowest approval rating of anyone entering the office. But not to worry — these are the same polls that showed Hillary Clinton winning.”

“IQ tests are bogus. I scored a 143, which is supposed to be somewhere around the genius level. In truth though, I’m jus’ as stupid as the next guy.”

“I’m so aware of my own B.S. that sometimes I think I’m living in an outhouse.”

“There’s a new product on the market call a ‘Smart Condom.’ Says it’ll track my performance and judge me — kinda like a wife.”

“Scientists have discovered a new species of ant that literally explodes, killing itself to protect the colony. They should name it the ‘Terrorist ant’ in honor of ISIS.”

“I always thought of myself as the cat’s meow. That’s until it coughed up a fur ball.”

“The IRS has already cashed the check I sent them. So all those pot-holes — they should be filled by the end of the week.”

“The Pentagon claims the missile attack on Syria was a limited airstrike with no boots on the ground. Using that definition, so was the 1941 Japanese attack on Pearl Harbor.”

“Perhaps Congress will consider making Reverend Billy Graham’s birthday a holiday, unless Social Justice Warriors object because he’s too White and too southern.”

“My wife says I ought to watch the curling events at the Olympics in South Korea. She claims that it’s proof that a man can learn to use a broom properly.”

“Today’s tax day, so don’t forget to pay them. There are 22 million illegals depending on you.”

“Sure, blood’s thicker than water — meaning water’s easier to drink.”

“I turned on the TV to watch the Screen Actors Guild awards show — but all I got was a Sharia Activist Group.”

“Both the Democratic and Republican Parties are private corporations and Congress is worried about ‘Facebook.'”

“Even if President Obama were white — he’d still be the worst president ever.”

“Oprah Winfrey visited Pelican Bay State Prison in Crescent City, California for CBS’s ’60 Minutes.’ Unfortunately, they let her out afterwards.”

“Great! NASA is going to take a look at Jupiter’s red spot but the VA won’t take a look at mine!”

“Seth Rich’s shooting death wasn’t a case of random gun violence. Had it been, Democrats would have used it to lobby for more anti-gun laws.”

“He said I should walk a mile in his shoes, so I agreed. I had no idea at the time that he was a men’s size seven.”

“Adulting is hard. Especially if you’re in Congress.”

“The founder of IKEA, Ingvar Kamprad has died at age 91. They needed an Allen wrench to assemble his coffin.”

“It’s natural for a man to be an insomniac. After all when Adam went to sleep, he woke up married.”

“I stopped watching the ‘Walking Dead,’ a long time ago. Reminded me too much of Congress.”

“California’s Lt. Governor wants to stop Donald Trump from building a fence between the state’s southern border and Mexico. So, maybe Trump should look at building a wall around Sacramento instead.”

“The last time I heard ‘Cowboys’ and ‘Packers’ in the same sentence the movie ‘Broke Back Mountain’ was released”

“There are unforeseen consequences caused by millennial’s eating laundry detergent pods. All the brown and yellow stains in their underwear have disappeared. Now they have no idea which is front and which is the back.”

“Evidently, Nancy Pelosi expects the federal government to shutdown for a while. She’s already gotten herself another job — as a guest judge on ‘RuPaul’s Drag Race All Stars.'”

“George Bush held his tongue for nearly eight-years. Barack Obama only lasted eight days.”

“The Ford Pinto turned 47 years old recently. Went to celebrate by lighting some candles and the damned thing caught fire and burned down.”

“Time’s have really changed. I can remember when eating soap was meant as a punishment and not a challenge.”

“Warren Buffet claims Donald Trump’s afraid to release his tax returns. Evidently, Buffet doesn’t know that releasing them isn’t required by the U.S. Constitution in order to run for President.”

“It’s hard to believe that two people are dead from a murder-suicide shooting at UCLA. After all there are signs everywhere saying the campus is a ‘gun-free zone.’”

“Congressman John Lewis spoke at the Million Woman March in Washington D.C. It proves that the man is not only a pussy, but he must have one too.”

“It’s hard to tell which is worse, sexual harassment or revenge porn. With revenge porn a person stands a chance at making money. With sexual harassment — not so much.”

“Millennials are taking up a new challenge: eating laundry detergent pods. Apparently, they’ll do anything to get out of work.”

“I’m a success! I decided to go for broke and now I am.”

“Ironic that the two ‘lightning rods’ of the black vs. white culture wars, Barack Obama and Colin Kaepernick, are both half-white.”

“Evidently, the smart-phone has become the number one hand-held device in the world. In short, that means the penis has slipped to second place.”

“During an interview about her book, Hillary Clinton claimed that she lost the election because ‘women can’t think for themselves.’ I wonder what women will think of that?”

“Playboy’s November 2017 Playmate centerfold is French transgender model Ines Rau. It’s getting to the point that it isn’t safe to take the magazine into the bathroom anymore.”

“A University of Maine student discovered an unknown species of wasp and named it Ormocerus dirigoius. That’s a fancy way of saying, ‘still an a-hole with wings.'”

“Trump is scheduled to pardon his first turkey next week. I’m praying it isn’t Obama.”

“You know I have a problem, when as a ‘man of words’, even I think I talk too much.”

“I thought it was raining, but I was wrong. Turns out it was the Snowflakes having a meltdown after Trump banned transgendered people from military duty.”

“It’s well-known that men often think with the wrong head. Less known is the fact that women often speak with the wrong lips.”

“I always thought so-called comedian and anti-Trumper Louis C.K. was a jerk-off. Then he admits to masturbating in front of several female associates.”

“Maybe the truth doesn’t matter. Perhaps it all comes down to who looks the best while lying.”

“The only man that ever really had to worry about ‘change,’ was Adam. After all, he fell asleep and when he woke up, he was married to Eve.”

“I heard Chester Bennington from the band Linkin Park committed suicide. Exactly when was he scheduled to testify against Hillary Clinton?”

“It occurs to me, as my family visits Disneyland, that I’m witnessing a human trap set by a mouse.”

“‘People’ magazine is scheduled to name its ‘Sexiest Man Alive,’ today and I’m thinking Harvey Weinstein didn’t make the cut.”

“Princess Kate Middleton gave birth to boy and it’s said that he is ‘doing well,’ which is an understatement. The kid’s already a wealthy prince.”

“I have been informed that real ‘butthole bread’ comes from a dressing-stuffed turkey. I’m skipping Thanksgiving dinner this year.”

“Asprin-maker Bayer has commits to invest a billion dollars in the in U.S. Good thing too, all these new jobs are giving politicians a headache.”

“There are only two sexes. Anything else is a mental health disorder.”

“Last week I got lost driving through the ‘Beaver State.’ Now I know what it’s like to be dumber than a Oregonian pussy.”

“My wife says I shouldn’t post so much to Facebook and my son says I post too much to Facebook. Oh, what’s a husband and father to do? Answer: post much to Facebook.”

“There’s a difference between the Democrats of the 1960s and Democrats of today. Back then they wanted to put a man on the moon. Today, they want to put a man in the women’s bathroom.”

“In only one day President Trump has managed to get more fat women outside and exercising than Michelle Obama did in eight-years of her forced policy.”

“Donald Trump is the first man in history to publicly win an argument with a woman.”

“President George H.W. Bush is breathing better since being admitted to the hospital. But then after today’s presidential election, we all are.”

“The same people who are making a big stink about sexual harassment are the same people who claim it’s okay for men to use a woman’s restroom.”

“Geraldo Rivera claims that we haven’t heard the last of O.J. Simpson. Unfortunately, we haven’t heard the last from Geraldo either.”

“My wife doesn’t give me ‘To Do’ lists because she thinks they cause me to procrastinate. Instead she calls it a “GET IT DONE!’ list.”

“Groundhog ‘Punxsutawney Phil’ saw his shadow Friday morning. That means another year of Trump winning.”

“As I was finishing up a piece of carrot cake this morning, I realized that it was made from the nose of a snowman.”

“I’m not a White man, I’m an American.”

“John Kerry claims Israel can’t be Jewish and democratic, that has to be or the other. I’m guessing he didn’t learn anything from the U.S. election where we decided to be American and not Democrats.”

“Since the media didn’t bother trying to find them, I’d like to see Russia hack Barack Obama’s college transcripts.”

“If Black people are convinced that White people want to kill them, then protesting in the middle of the road, blocking traffic is like begging for a funeral.”

“President Trump is planning to release all the file’s on the Kennedy Assassination. Once he does the media is going to claim he colluded with the Russians to get the job done.”

“The media claims that hundreds of people gathered in Hollywood for a pair of marches protesting sexual harassment over the weekend. I find the story hard to believe — nothing was burned or looted.”

“California lawmakers are considering bill dealing with ‘global warming’ by regulating bovine farts. Maybe they should consider dealing with their own B.S. first.”

“Wait till I get my hands on the person who told my dog’s that this is the Year of the Dog!”

“I bet that if Trump came out in favor of oxygen, the media would suffocate themselves trying to prove collusion with the Russians”

“I give neither the federal government or any state government authority over my penis. That right, I reserve only to myself.”

“My refrigerator is running — and I plan to vote for it!”

“The U.S. Census Bureau says Idaho is the fastest growing state. In other words — there goes the neighborhood.”

“Members of Code Pink dressed as Ku Klux Klan members disrupted a congressional hearing on Senator Jeff Sessions’ nomination as the next attorney general. Security obviously mistook the group for a bunch of Muslim women wearing hijabs.”

“I spent my time in the service avoiding K-P duty — then I got married.”

“Someone needs to tell Florida Congresswoman Frederica Wilson she’s not Captain Fantastic and that Elton John wore the costume better.”

“Since the majority of Progressives are really the ‘flat earthers,’ perhaps they’ll move so far left that they’ll simply fall off.”

“The longer the protests go on at Standing Rock the more it looks like ‘Burning Man’ for the poor.”

“People keep talking about a civil war. One side has most of the guns while the other side’s confused about which bathroom to use.”

“Boeing agreed to lower the costs of Air Force One from over $6 billion to around $4 billion. That means Trump ‘gentiled’ then down nearly 33-percent.”

“I keep seeing online ads for men’s bracelets that are supposedly made from unique stones. Those stones have be the one’s taken from the once-real man’s scrotum.”

“The Better Business Bureau the lowered rating of the “MyPillow” from an A to an F following consumer complaints. Someone at the BBB must be cranky from not getting a good night’s sleep.”

“The entire San Francisco football team is reportedly going to join Colin Kaepernick in protesting the National Anthem on Sunday. It’ll be the first bit of real teamwork anyone’s seen from the Niners in a couple of years.”

“If yelling ‘fire’ in a crowded theater is against the law, is yelling ‘Allahu Akbar’ in a crowded theater also against the law?”

“President Obama certainly painted a rosy picture of the economy, national security and society as a whole during his DNC speech. To bad he failed to mention that most of those roses are dead.”

“The number one cause of Global Warming will soon be man-made due to the number of candlelight vigils held following a terror attack.”

“Nearly every politician in Washington D.C seems to disregard the U.S. Constitution until they’re called to testify before Congress. Then the only amendment that they can remember is the Fifth.”

“If an Ariana Grande concert’s the best England can do to fight Islamic terrorism, then as a country, they’re screwed.”

“Since Congressman John Lewis claims Donald Trump’s election victory isn’t legitimate, would it be okay if others claim President Obama isn’t a legitimate Black man?”

“The latest in British research claims that passing gas will add years to your life. And if that’s the case, I’m gonna live forever!”

“There’s a severe outbreak of Norovirus in California caused by not washing one’s hands after going to the bathroom — quick, someone go shake hands with the Governor.”

“In North Korea, there are only 28 state-sanctioned hair styles allowed. Fortunately, for men, Kim Jong Un’s haircut isn’t one of them.”

“It took less technology for American’s to landed on the moon in 1969 than it does to catch a Pokemon today.”

“I’ve never been groped by Donald Trump, but we’ve all been screwed by Barack Obama.”

“When you think about all the sexual harassment and rape accusations coming out of Hollywood, it’s no wonder they’re so anti-gun in Tinsel-town.”

“At first I thought I smelled ‘love’ in the air. I was mistaken — it was coffee — but I was pretty close.”

“President Obama has been briefed on the murders of three Baton Rouge law enforcement officers. He has not released a statement as of yet, so no further violence is expected at the moment.”

“Most folks go by the simple saying ‘Live, laugh, and love.’ Not me. I prefer, ‘Boobs, bacon, and beer.'”

“In her new book, Hillary Clinton claims her ‘skin crawled’ during her debates with Donald Trump. That’s what happens to snakes when they shed.”

“While everyone’s up set over President Trump’s supposed ‘shithole countries’ comment, there are still a number of us worried about a number of ‘shitholes’ in Congress.”

“Iran has retaliated against President Trump’s recent Muslim ban by imposing a travel ban on U.S .citizens. Well damn, there goes my summer plans.”

“Maybe I should run for political office. That way, as the media digs up dirt on me, they they can clean out my closets and help find my truck keys, too.”

“CNN’s outraged that President Trump called the NYC terrorist an ‘animal.’ I am too. Animals make better people than terrorists.”

“No wonder Ringling Brother’s is going out-of-business. Who want’s to pay to watch a bunch of clowns perform when you can see them for free on C-SPAN.”

“I thought I had a nasty rash developing in my crotch-area — turned out to be cheese-puff dust.”

“Senator Elizabeth Warren says Donald Trump sounded like a ‘two-bit dictator’ during his speech at GOP Convention. And yet, that’s better than sounding like a ‘two-bit whore,’ like her and Hillary Clinton.”

“I’ve figured out how women are going to take over the corporate world — they’re going to accuse men of sexual harassment until the entire gender’s out-of-work.”

“While getting an award from Joe Biden, an emotional Senator John McCain warned against ‘half-baked, spurious nationalism.’ Don’t worry Senator, after eating Obama’s crap for eight-year, I can handle anything Trump dishes out.”

“Perhaps I’m too White because White Privilege isn’t working for me.”

“People often call me an ‘a-hole,’ but I’m not. I’m a hemorrhoid. I irritate a-holes.”

We’ve become so used to ‘fake news,’ that when the Pentagon recently admitted that UFO’s are real, no one freaked out.”

“I was born great — and its all been down hill since.”

“I bet those rioting and looting in the name of democracy won’t get participation trophies — and that’ll really leave them butt-hurt.”

“Some college professor says Houston deserves to flood since the majority of Texas voted Trump. Sadly, much of Houston voted for Hillary.”

“From how the media are treating the Roy Moore allegations, you’d think he crashed his car in a creek while drunk, leaving a woman to drown as he ran away.”

“I’d rather watch whiskey ferment than an NFL game. Actually, I’d rather drink whiskey than watch pro football.”

“A Mississippi elementary school’s changing its name from Jefferson Davis to Barack Obama. The change isn’t expected to improve the student body’s test scores though.”

“Facebook is going to ‘crackdown’ on fake news sites. Time to say goodbye to ABC, CBS, CNN, FOX and NBC — to name a few.”

“Switzerland has a new law on the books that bans the boiling of live lobsters, claiming it’s animal cruelty. Perhaps they can drown them first before they’re cooked.”

“While Trump wants to build a wall to keep illegals out, Progressives are busy trying to build a wall to keep Trump contained.”

“With all the help Texas is receiving from the Federal Government, Progressives still aren’t happy. If President Trump could walk on water Democrats would complain that he can’t swim.”

“The media will deny it, but the Democrat Party has been resisting Republican reconstruction efforts since 1865.”

“Anthony Weiner claims to be so broke he can’t afford therapy for sex addiction. However, he can still afford his cell-phone.” 

“Kathy Griffith held a press conference to complain about how she’s being treated. Then I realized it wasn’t a Saturday Night Live skit.”

“The UK’s considering classes that includes online porn, sexting, homosexuality, and transgenderism for elementary school children. So while the U.S. is stuck with Common Core, the Brits are going to get Common Whore.”

“It was so cold this morning that I farted and I thought I was blowing smoke out my butt.”

“When asked if I were going to watch the Superbowl, I didn’t have enough Budweiser beer to snort out my noses while laughing.”

“By testifying against fellow-Senator Jeff Sessions’ nomination to be the next U.S. Attorney General, Cory Booker’s setting himself up to look like the next Barack Obama.”

“Being human is dangerous to my health.”

“It’s human nature to love a circus. The problem nowadays is that everyone wants to be the ringmaster but they’re only qualified to be the monkey.”

“I was arguing with a guy online about politics. He said I had my facts all wrong, then he provided a link to CNN to prove it.”

“It must be easier to buy a truck in France than a book or a computer.”

“The woman who was fired for flipping off Trump’s motorcade has receives nearly 454-thousand job offers. So, being disrespectful, that’s all it takes to find work anymore.”

“A recall’s been issued for various XBOX systems. Meanwhile the Pentagon has decided that the game controller can be used to operate certain systems aboard nuclear subs. Sounds about right.”

“It was a homeless guy who found the bombs in New Jersey and called the cops. Guess you can say the U.S. is being protected by ‘The Department of Homeless Security.'”

“A newly released report by the CDC shows that the number of teenagers having sex has dropped over the last two years. That’s because they’re confused – no one’s really sure anymore whose a real boy or a real girl.”

“A new survey says that one in 10 people use their cell phones during sex. And most say it doesn’t affect their driving at all.”

“Hillary won’t make a good president. The last time she was officially in the White House, she had one job to do — and she outsourced that to Monica.”

“I’d rather be offended by something Donald Trump says than left for dead by Hillary Clinton.”

“Scientists may have found new moons circling Uranus. If that’s the case, it explains why some women shouldn’t wear yoga pants in public.”

“It’s hard to understand how after a few generations, Oregonian’s who came from true pioneer stalk are now dying from having to pump their own gas.”

“Guys — the next time a woman says she’s as old as dirt, ask her what that tastes like. I guarantee your name will be mud as she slaps the dust out of you.”

The Mexican drug cartel’s got guns, ISIS got guns and I all I got was a free Obama phone.”

“It’s interesting how a vagina nearly brought down Bill Clinton in the 90s and today, it’s a Weiner bringing down Hillary Clinton.”

“The Flat Earth Society wants me as member. Problem is that I’m not sure either exists.”

“A California-based think tank says the Trump administration’s plan to cut oil supplies to North Korea will end up killing tens-of-thousands of North Korean civilians. The think tank forgot to think about the tens-of-thousands of Americans a North Korean nuclear attack will kill.”

“If the Russians really did hack the Democrats, then they should be applauded. After all, they helped the party achieve transparency.”

“You know society’s in pretty bad shape when the truth bothers people.”

“Jesse Jackson has always been on shaky ground with his so-called ‘social justice’ organization, ‘Rainbow/PUSH.’ Now he has Parkinson’s disease.”

“Cows eat grass, grass becomes milk, milk becomes ice cream. Therefore, ice cream’s processed salad.”

“Jesus says we are to pray for our enemies. That’s why I pray for myself — I’m usually my own worst enemy.”

“‘America’s Got Talent’ star Simon Cowell fell down some stairs while getting a glass of warm milk and had to be taken to the hospital. Had that been me falling down, the first question on everyone’s mind would be, ‘Jus’ how drunk was he?'”

“California doesn’t want to pay federal taxes because President Trump is violating the 10th Amendment. Maybe gun owners can get out of paying their state taxes since California is violating the 2nd Amendment.”

“It appears Lulu the black lab failed out of a CIA bomb sniffing class. It’s either that or she can smell B.S. before she see’s it.”

“Because of the National Anthem protests the NFL’s eliminating the Green Bay Packers and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers. They’ll form one team called the Tampacks. They’ll be good for one period and have no second string.”

“‘Political scientists rank Trump last, Lincoln first in presidential greatness survey.’ So there really is a science behind lying!”

“‘Experimental treatment reduces Alzheimer’s in mice.’ Now, if only they could the same for the media’s memory.”

“Progressives are like Christmas lights, they all hang together, half of them don’t work and the others that do — ain’t very bright.”

“It’s hard to keep my ducks-in-a-row when all I have are pink plastic Flamingos.”

“My wife has two problems; nothing to wear and no place to store it.”

“Despite passing a so-called healthcare bill, Congress still can’t cure its Socialist illness.”

“Cinco de Mayo, my ass! Cinco de Porto!”

“Four months after Trump was inaugurated as the 45th president, Michelle Obama is still ugly.”

“A friend asked if I knew how to work one of those new​-fangled flat-top stoves. I said that if I couldn’t figure out how to turn it on, I’d return it or get rid of it. Then he asked me where my wife was.”

“‘Cinco de Mayo,’ my ass! It’s jus’ May Fifth! When you’re Irish, you don’t need a holiday to get drunk.”

“MSNBC’s Chris Matthews was caught making lewd comments about Donald Trump’s wife on a live microphone. No word whether he felt a thrill run up his leg like when Obama spoke or if it was simply a trickle down his thigh.”

“I want to wish every teacher a wonderful ‘Happy Teachers Day 2016′ — except Detroit teachers — teachers in Detroit jus’ need to get their asses back to work.”

“Now that Ted Cruz has dropped out of the GOP race for president, that leaves only John Kasich in the running against Donald Trump. He has a slight chance at winning if he uses Common Core math.”

“In a world full of penguins — don’t be a panda.”

“Miley Cyrus is featured in a new set of portraits whose sale will benefit Planned Parenthood. I wonder if anyone will call her a ‘baby killer’ and spit on her in an airport.”

“Say what you want about Trump’s first 100 days in office, anyway you spin it, it means 100 days without Hillary in office.”

“I’d rather see a chunky woman naked than a rail-thin woman naked. Ahh — who am I kidding — I jus’ wanna see a naked woman.”

“I’m still trying to figure out which of my ancestors pee’d in our family’s gene pool.”

“I should have known better after reading the fine print saying, “In the event of a criminal investigation in regard to any income tax return we help you file, we promise to try every option we can possibly think of before finally turning state’s evidence against you.”

“Whoever said ‘taxes are a necessary evil,’ was only half right.”

“You know it’s gonna be a bad day when your pet-rock bites you.”

“Let me wish you a happy Easter weekend. I pray you won’t be on the toilet should the Angel Gabriel blow his horn.”

“The bomb dropped on Afghanistan recently is the biggest since Hillary’s campaign imploded.”

“President Trump’s missile strike on Syria proves there are no Walmarts in that country, only Targets.”

“California lawmakers are looking at adopting an official state dinosaur. No word yet on whether it’ll be Dianne Feinstein or Nancy Pelosi.”

“A new Gallup poll shows that six out of 10 Americans believe the media is bias. The other four have theirs up their asses.”

“President Trump is as afraid of the stairs as CNN’s afraid to lie.”

“Chelsea Clinton is being honored by the Alliance for a Healthier Generation. Nobody does nothing like Chelsea does nothing.”

My Cousin Elmo says, “Six out of 10 French say they don’t feel safe anywhere in their country. The other four were migrants.”

“My wife is peeved at me after staying out all St. Patrick’s Day night. I texted her saying, ‘I’m having another beer with the guys. I’ll be home in half an hour. If I’m longer than half an hour, read this again.'”

“I’d like to wish MSNBC’s Rachel Maddow many happy returns during her so-called broadcasting career.”

“Bill Nye the Science Guy is as much a scientist as Hillary Clinton is a swimsuit model.”

“I spent all morning trying to save some daylight. It doesn’t work, so it must be another worthless federal law.”

“My clear conscience is due to my bad memory.”

“All of these protest days the Left keeps coming up with have me confused. For instance, I thought by their standards, ‘A Day without Women’ happened last November 8th.”

“Talk about role reversal — Russians get to watch television while our T.V.’s watch us.”

“While a lot of people are talking about the ‘gay’ scene in the Disney film ‘Beauty and the Beast,’ no one’s saying a thing about the fact that the movie depicts a romance between a woman and an animal.”

“It’s said that laughter is the best medicine. That’s until you have to go to the ER after blowing piping hot coffee out your nose.”

“Hmm…a Day Without Women. No wonder it’s so dang quiet!”

“You know some of these protests are fake. After all a number of unemployed people were caught participating in ‘Take the Day Off’ demonstrations.”

“They say ‘silence is golden,’ but since we’re on the federal reserve system, we can’t afford silence.”

“Barbra Streisand claims that she’s so fed up with President Trump that’s she’s getting fat.”

“I jus’ learned that DWTS stands for ‘Dancing With The Stars.’ All this time I thought it stood for ‘Don’t watch the show.'”

“When Democrats say Jeff Sessions should resign for the good of the country, the country they’re talking about is Mexico.”

“Seeing all those Democrat women dressed in white reminded me of one thing: the party of surrender.”

“The fake-news media is saying President Trump’s speech was unpresidential. But after eight-years and their short attention-span, how would they know?”

“Witches got together at midnight to cast a spell on President Trump. It was great to see Hillary out again.

“The Democratic National Committee has rejected Keith Ellison, the first Muslim Congressman in U.S. history, as its Chairperson — how Islamophobic of them.”

“Expect Islamic extremists to use the fact that the DNC didn’t elect a Muslim to be its new Chair as a tool for recruiting terrorists. That is — if you believe what Progressives have claimed about GOP activities in the past.”

“The fake-news media needs some help. Maybe they can hire a few ghost writers like a lot of novelists do.”

“Try as I might — I jus’ can’t seem to avoid myself.”

“A new MSNBC poll says 53 percent of Americans believe that Congress should investigate whether Donald Trump’s presidential campaign had contact with the Russian government in 2016. The other 47 percent wanna know who MSNBC is.”

“The LGBTSQ crowd standing with Islam and its ‘homo-hating’ terror squads is like turkeys standing for Thanksgiving.”

“With enough whiskey, one can understand how a millennial can distort reality. After all, eight or nine shots in and even a rhino begins to look like a unicorn.”

“Like any other girl, 16-year-old Jazz Jennings loves dolls and dresses. But Jazz isn’t a normal girl — she was born a boy. And now she has a doll modeled after her. No word on whether the doll is anatomically correct.”

“A British engineer has started his own business in Afghanistan. He’s making land mines that look like prayer mats. It’s doing well. He says Prophets are going through the roof.”

“My doctor says my metabolism isn’t slow — its in a coma.”

“Senator Tammy Duckworth is complaining that the Trump administration isn’t the ‘presidency we were promised.’ That’s because she was promised another four-years of Obama through Hillary’s candidacy.”

“What’s happening with the Oroville Dam in California is indicative of all government. It’s jus’ a collapse of a different kind.”

“The media is saying that they are not the enemy of the American people. I think I’ll file this tidbit under ‘fake-news.'”

“My wife asked me to clean out our garage. Instead, after watching an episode of ‘Hoarders,’ we realized our garage isn’t messy at all.”

“Secretary of State Rex Tillerson has cleaned house at the State Department. Goes to show that American’s WILL do the work illegal aliens are supposedly in the U.S. to do.”

“Jus’ ’cause a protester has a beard doesn’t make him a man. After all even vaginas can grow hair.”

“I’ve learned that a quiet man is a thinking man and my wife has taught me that a quiet woman is an angry woman.”

“Following today press conference with President Trump, the fake-news media is looking for a safe space of its own.”

“Since the Progressive media doesn’t want to be call ‘fake-news,’ anymore perhaps we should call it ‘fact-free programming.’

“The Chinese New Year is here; the year of the cock. I finally fit in.”

“Its interesting to note that on Darwin Day, both Sears and Kmart have decided to stop selling Ivanka Trumps clothing line. Progressives are proving that evolution is real.”

“Cultural differences in our society are fascinating. Muslims don’t celebrate Christmas or Easter, but some celebrate 9/11.”

“Its amazing how the Ninth Circuit Court can tell the difference between 97 genders, but can’t figure out constitutional from unconstitutional.”

“So-called actress Lena Dunham is blaming President Trump for her weight-loss. Is there nothing that Trump can’t do?”

“It’s in the nature of the Progressive to argue about the laws of gravity, but they have to reframe the facts first.”

“Next thing you know robbing banks in sanctuary cities will be legal – they’ll simply call them ‘undocumented withdrawals.'”

“Jackson Hole, Wyoming is closed because of snow. Now if we could figure out how to get Texas Congresswoman Sheila Jackson to close her hole.”

“It’s in the nature of the Progressive to argue about the laws of gravity, but they also have to reframe the facts first.”

“Next thing you know robbing banks in sanctuary cities will be legal — they’ll simply call them ‘undocumented withdrawals.'”

“The fight over which inauguration had the larger crowd continues. That’s Progressives for you – they say size doesn’t matter – but then…”

“When asked if I were going to watch the Superbowl, I didn’t have enough Budweiser beer to snort out my noses while laughing.”

“I’m old enough to remember when the Super Bowl was about football and not politics.”

“If I was a woman and I worked as a fashion model, I’d be pissed that a woman, who was once a man, had taken my high paying job!”

“I’m too young for LifeAlert and to grown up for Twitter.”

“California doesn’t want to pay federal taxes because President Trump is violating the 10th Amendment. Maybe gun owners can get out of paying their state taxes since California is violating the 2nd Amendment.”

“I turned on the TV to watch the Screen Actors Guild awards show — but all I got was a Sharia Activist Group.”

“We see Progressives holding signs all the time saying ‘Share the Wealth,’ but never one that reads, ‘Share the Work.'”

“Iran has retaliated against President Trump’s recent so-called Muslim ban by imposing a travel ban on U.S .citizens. Well damn, there goes my summer plans.”

“The average man worries about what the federal government and his wife spend. However he’s not afraid to criticize the federal government.”

“We don’t need the federal government to make sure the buffalo roam and the skies are not cloudy all day.”

“Male privilege is garbage man cleaning up after a million women marching to protest male privilege.”

“I was told to read ‘Hayek.’ Hell, I didn’t even know the actress was a writer.”

“The terror organization, Hamas is threatening violence and a Holy War if the U.S. moves its embassy to Jerusalem. Who can blame them – their threats have always worked before.”

“Perspective is a strong point of view. For instance a man went to the doctor and the doctor gave him two months to live, so the man shot the doctor. The judge on the other hand gave the man life.”

“After yesterday, President Trump should have more than enough materials to build a wall — and more are on their way. Progressives are still shitting brick since his inauguration.”

“After yesterdays ‘Million Woman’ march around the world and all the talk about vaginas and screwing over men, the World Health Organization should expect a pandemic of ear infections.”

“Two circuses came to a close recently. One lasted 146-years, the other — only eight-years.”

“In only one day President Trump has managed to get more fat women outside and exercising than Michelle Obama did in eight-years.”

“Congressman John Lewis spoke at the Million Woman March in Washington D.C. It proves that the man is not only a pussy, but he must have one too.”

“I opened the front door to my home and found a cougar standing there. Then I realized it was my wife.”

“The Million Women March is happening in Washington D.C. today, where they’re talking about their vaginas. Instead of demanding chastity belts they should want straight-jackets.”

“President George H.W. Bush is breathing better since being admitted to the hospital. But then after today, we all are.”

“For all the help Russian President Putin gave to President Trump, I didn’t see him at the inauguration today. What gives?!”

“So far more than 60 Congressional Democrats are refusing to attend President-elect Trumps inauguration. Meanwhile, the cast of ‘The Walking Dead,’ has openings for more zombies.”

“Environmentalists want everyone to think we’re going to become extinct due to ‘global warming.’ Obviously, Progressives are as smart as the Piltdown Man.”

“Maybe the truth doesn’t matter. Perhaps it all comes down to who looks the best while lying.”

“The polls say that President-elect Trump has the lowest approval rating of anyone entering the office. But not to worry — these are the same polls that showed Hillary Clinton winning.”

“Aspirin-maker Bayer has commits to invest a billion dollars in the in US. Good thing too. All these new jobs are giving Progressives a headache.”

“Evidently, the smart-phone has become the number one hand-held device in the world. In short, that means the penis has slipped to second place.”

“Progressives continue to claim that the only way there will be peace in the Middle East is through a two-state solution. Want to understand how that won’t work — jus’ look at California.”

“No wonder Ringling Brother’s is going out-of-business. Who wants to pay to watch a bunch of clowns perform when you can see them for free on C-SPAN.”

“Ringling Brother’s is going out of business and many say it’s because they got rid of the elephants. That wasn’t supposed to happen. The real target was the GOP.”

“So much for self-policing — BuzzFeed and CNN news feeds are still available on Facebook.”

“California’s Lt. Governor wants to stop Donald Trump from building a fence between the state’s southern border and Mexico. So, maybe Trump should look at building a wall around Sacramento instead.”

“The last time I heard ‘Cowboys’ and ‘Packers’ in the same sentence, the movie ‘Broke Back Mountain’ was released”

“Since Congressman John Lewis claims Donald Trump’s election victory isn’t legitimate, would it be okay if others claim President Obama isn’t a legitimate Black man?”

“The pissing prostitute’s story is true. The whores turned out to be Buzzfeed and CNN — pissing all over journalism.”

“President Obama gave the Medal Freedom to Vice-president Joe Biden — after all, for the last eight-years, Biden’s been free to say and do stupid stuff.”

“Since the Black Congressional Caucus doesn’t want a painting depicting law enforcement officers as pigs removed from the capitol building, perhaps the KKK can supply a painting depicting Black looters as monkeys.”

“While Trump wants to build a wall to keep illegal’s out, Progressives are busy trying to build a wall to keep Trump contained.”

“By testifying against fellow-Senator Jeff Sessions’ nomination to be the next U.S. Attorney General, Cory Booker’s setting himself up to look like the next Barack Obama.”

“I called my Congressman to report a problem and before I could tell him what it was, he told me not t worry, it would be resolved by noon on the 20th.”

“Dairy farmers in California must collect the methane gases being expelled by their cows. State lawmakers must not know that cows have no fingers.”

“Members of Code Pink dressed as Ku Klux Klan members disrupted a congressional hearing on Senator Jeff Sessions’ nomination as the next attorney general. Security obviously mistook the group for a bunch of Muslim women wearing hijabs.”

“Mariah Carey’s New Year’s Eve Performance is indicative of President Obama’s last year in office — neither ended on a high note.”

“The Ford Motor Company chose the U.S. over Mexico, but then, so have most Mexicans.”

“It’s well known that men often think with the wrong head. Less known is the fact that women often speak with the wrong lips.”

“Guys — the next time a woman says she’s as old as dirt, ask her what that tastes like. I guarantee you’re name will be mud as she slaps the dust out of you.”

“Senator Chuck Schumer claims the U.S. can’t afford a ‘Twitter presidency.’ Yet we managed to survive eight-years of a ‘Twittle-Dee and Twittle-Dum presidency.”

“The Better Business Bureau the lowered rating of the “MyPillow” from an A to an F following consumer complaints. Someone at the BBB must be cranky from not getting a good night’s sleep.”

“Since the Progressive media didn’t bother trying to find them, I’d like to see Russia hack Barack Obama’s college transcripts.”

“Happiness is not having to call my wife to get bail money on New Year’s day.”

“The Progressive media is more interested in how MMA fighter Ronda Rousey was destroyed by Amanda Nunes in 48-seconds than it has been during the eight years President Obama has tried to destroy the U.S.”

“It occurs to me, as my family visits Disneyland, that I’m witnessing a human trap set by a mouse.”

“Every since he ran for President, Progressives have called Donald Trump ‘Hitler.’ It’s laughable since now he’s the only one defending Israel.”

“John Kerry claims Israel can’t be Jewish and democratic, that has to be or the other. I’m guessing he didn’t learn anything from the U.S. election where we decided to be American and not Democrats.”

“We are equal in every way. Neither of us needs a group, a law or a government agency to make it so.”

I’m a success! I decided to go for broke and now I am.

“Even the honest Atheist will tell you that believing in ‘nothing’ is actually believing in something.”

“I’m a success! I decided to go for broke and now I am.”

“So many times we remember to pull up our boot and get on with life. And yet, we forget to hitch up our britches.”

“It’s natural for a man to be an insomniac. After all when Adam went to sleep, he woke up married.”

“The engineer who fell asleep at the controls of a train that killed four people, is getting a life-time pension for his sleep apnea. Meanwhile, U.S. veterans, who’ve risked their lives and killed terrorist as ordered, can’t get medical care from the country served.”

“George Michael will not be performing at President-elect Donald Trumps inauguration. The organization GLAAD claims he died as a result of a YouTube video.”

“Sixty-eight members of the Alexandrov Ensemble, the official choir of the Russian Armed Forces, died in a Christmas Eve plane crash. Democrats are ecstatic that the choir won’t be appearing at Donald Trumps’ inauguration.”

“You know you’re getting old when Santa starts looking younger. Here’s wishing you and yours a very Merry Christmas!”

“‘Grandma Got Run Over By a Reindeer.’ Democrats are blaming Donald Trump.”

“Hillary Clinton had 2,864,974 votes more than President-elect Donald Trump. As for Trump, he had 2,864,974 fewer votes from illegal aliens than Hillary Clinton.”

“If you think ‘Baby, its Cold Outside,’ is about date rape, maybe you’d feel better if it were a song about two guys and called ‘Buddy, its Cold Outside.'”

“If the Russians really did hack the Democrats, then they should be applauded. After all, they helped the party achieve transparency.”

“Donald Trump is the first man history to publicly win an argument with a woman.”

“The Los Angeles Lakers are planning to build larger-than-life statue of Shaquille O’Neal in front of the Staples Center. With Shaq standing seven feet, one inch — isn’t ‘larger-than-life’ a bit of a redundancy?”

“Boeing agreed to lower the costs of Air Force One from over $6 billion to around $4 billion. That means Trump ‘gentiled’ them down nearly 33-percent.”

“Even if President Obama were white — he’d still be the worst president ever.”

“No one knows how many Progressives it would take to defend the United States. None has ever tried.”

“President Obama has told Russian President Putin to ‘cut it out,’ when it comes to hacking. He added, ‘If you don’t — I’ll tell mom!’”

“Sanctuary cities plus sanctuary universities minus federal tax dollars equals higher crime rate and greater tuition costs.”

“George W. Bush trusted the word of the 16 intelligence agencies and we ended up with ‘Bush lied. People died!’ Donald Trumps disputes them and it becomes, ‘How dare he impugn their integrity?'”

“Yahoo says it has been hacked and that the info stolen may include names, email addresses, phone numbers, birth dates and security questions and answers. This is the same Yahoo that worked with federal spy agencies, giving them access to its user’s emails. Damn those Russians!”

“As I was finishing up a piece of carrot cake this morning, I realized that it was made from the noses of snowmen.”

“The only reason for a man to like Chelsea Handler is her tits. It’s her mouthiness that is unbecoming.”

“My life is like an open book. So what if it’s a coloring book!”

“Military academy sports events like the Army-Navy Game are the only places where all the players are willing to die for the people watching.”

“I’m so glad men fight each other when they feel territorial. If they we were dog’s, as I’ve learned, we’d simply pee on everything.”

“Fake news defeated Hillary like a fake video caused Benghazi.”

“The Democrat Party has been resisting Republican reconstruction efforts since 1865.”

“As biased as the media is I’m surprised no one has picked up on the fact that Donald Trump is forcing a Black family from their home.”

“I don’t mind admitting to playing with dolls. But be warned before you make fun of me — they’re voodoo dolls.”

“Anthony Weiner claims to be so broke he can’t afford therapy for sex addiction. However, he can still afford his cell-phone.”

“Now that General James Mattis has been tapped for the job of Secretary Defense, there’s talk of him running for president in four years. If he does he has the perfect campaign slogan, ‘Mad Dog 20-20.'”

“California lawmakers are considering bill dealing with ‘global warming’ by regulating bovine farts. Maybe they should consider dealing with their own B.S. first.”

“I finally got fed up with my Windows 10 digital agent Cortana, which keeps prompting me to ask it anything. So I asked Cortana to go to Hell and it jus’ laughed at me.”

“If I’m my brother’s keeper, I didn’t do a very good job. He’s dead.”

“My wife never complained. Then I got hearing aids.”

“Chip Bergh, the CEO of Levi Strauss is banning guns from his stores. And now you know why I wear Wranglers.”

“You know society’s in pretty bad shape when the truth bothers people.”

“Female friends on Facebook keep claiming that all their bras are missing. I think Donald Trump burned them.”

“I pride myself on being a know-it-all, except knowing when to shut-up.”

“You know society’s in pretty bad shape when the truth bothers people.”

“I’ve jihad it with terrorists and those who refuse to acknowledge that it exists.”

“The longer the protests go on at Standing Rock the more it looks like ‘Burning Man’ for the poor.”

“I decided to do the ‘Mannequin Challenge.’ My son says it doesn’t count because I was asleep at the time.”

“The latest in British research claims that passing gas will add years to your life. And if that’s the case, I’m gonna live forever!”

“If the movie ‘Radio’ was remade today, Cuba Gooding, Jr.’s character would be known as ‘Bluetooth.’

“Fidel Castro is dead. God has done what the CIA couldn’t!”

“Cuban Dictator Fidel Castro spent his entire life battling capitalism. It’s ironic that he should die on ‘Black Friday.'”

“The people who raise money for politicians are proof that a fool is born every minute.”

“After eating too much Thanksgiving dinner, if I weren’t already wearing sweat pants — I’d be naked.”

“That can of SPAM I jus’ ate, says I’m a family of six!”

“I finally quit drinking for good. But nothing says I can’t drink for evil.”

“It was so cold this morning that I farted and I thought I was blowing smoke out my butt.”

“I’m planning to buy myself a pair of shoes that fit my personality…loafers.”

“While we get Donald Trump for President, all George Soros gets after spending $300 million is a Hillary Clinton t-shirt.”

“Facebook is going to ‘crackdown’ on fake news sites. Time to say goodbye to ABC, CBS, CNN, FOX and NBC — to name a few.”

“Jesus says we are to pray for our enemies. That’s why I pray for myself — I’m usually my own worst enemy.”

“Historically, it can be stated that Democrats never let Republicans simply enjoy a play.”

“Numbers don’t lie — but the politicians who use them — do.”

“Jesus says to ‘Do unto others as you wish to be done unto.’ This includes you masochists too.”

“Crime by its very nature –is ‘hate,’ thus calling something a ‘hate crime’ is a redundancy — kind of like governmental mismanagement.”

“The Progressives in the GOP controlled House are taking the building of a wall on our southern border seriously. The jus’ passed a bill that will increase the cost of cement.”

“When everyone gets a trophy for participation, then nobody knows how to lose when it happens.”

“President Obama is getting to keep his legacy like we got to keep our doctors.”

“Donald Trump is good for the economy as the stock market hit record highs. But more importantly, he’s found work for Alec Baldwin.”

“President Obama is getting to keep his legacy like we got to keep our doctors.”

“Since the majority of Progressives are really the ‘flat-earthers,’ perhaps they’ll move so far left that they’ll simply fall off.”

“When I was in my 20’s my safe space was my fighting hole, that I dug myself.”

“After looking at last nights election map, I realized that Donald Trump has better coverage across America than Obamacare.”

“I’d rather be offended by something Donald Trump says than left for dead by Hillary Clinton.”

“Anthony Weiner was seen riding around a sex addiction rehab’s grounds on a horse. I wanna know – is the horse safe — and where is PETA when you need them?”

“Thanks to Hillary Clinton’s so-called joke, we now know that its Anthony Weiner’s laptop that needs to be wiped down. Literally.”

“I never thought I’d be thankful that a bunch of ‘Weiner-pics’ could save America.”

“Those Russian hackers are better than we thought. They stole Hillary Clinton’s emails from the NSA, put them on Huma’s laptop and pinned it on Weiner.”

“It’s interesting how a vagina nearly brought down Bill Clinton in the 90s and today, it’s a Weiner bringing down Hillary Clinton.”

“Sometimes while listening to Donald Trump speak, I get serious flashbacks. I’m suddenly reminded of my Marine Corps Drill Instructors.”

“Scientists may have found new moons circling Uranus. If that’s the case, it explains why some women shouldn’t wear yoga pants in public.”

“The Obama administration is forcing 10-thousand California National Guard members to return their bonuses, but Veterans Administration officials get to keep theirs.”

“When I was younger I used to watch horror movies and get scared. Now that I’m older and I see what out government is up to and all the dirty politics, I understand what real fright is.”

“The Nevada secretary of state’s office on reported Democrats outpace Republican by nearly 90,000 people on Friday. No word yet on how many of those have already had funerals.”

“It’s a good thing the Twitter outage happened on a Friday. Had it been any other day, all those poor journalists would have been sitting around twittling their thumbs.”

“Apparently, it is more dangerous to report on voter fraud than it is to commit voter fraud according to President Obama.”

“Look, I want my fifteen minutes of fame. Maybe I should claim Donald Trump touched me too.”

“Who cares what Trump said back in 2005. He was Democrat then — so it wasn’t his fault.”

“Finally, proof that Osama Bin Laden is actually dead. He registered to vote as a Democrat in Chicago, yesterday.”

“What do you call a debate between two Progressives? A FOX news program.”

“Who cares what Trump said back in 2005. He was Democrat then — so it wasn’t his fault.”

“Life’s already a bitch. Don’t elect one.”

“Hillary Clinton blamed Abraham Lincoln for her dishonesty during the second presidential debate. I bet ol’ Abe would rather go watch another play than another presidential debate.”

“You know we’re screwed when even the press says Hillary Clinton can win because Donald Trump’s too much like her husband.”

“Hillary Clinton wrote a book in the 90s titled, ‘It Takes a Village,’ and Tim Kaine’s her idiot.”

“Green Bay Packers tight end Jared Cook discovered a chicken head in his Buffalo Wild Wings order on Tuesday. He still hasn’t said whether it tasted like chicken or not.”

“Alicia Keys, Tamron Hall, Kim Kardashian and Gabrielle Union among others are all going makeup-free these days in order to stop being pressured to be perfect. Secretly though — they don’t want to be mistaken for clowns.”

“Perhaps I’m too White because White Privilege isn’t working for me.”

My Cousin Elmo says, “Both CNN and MSNBC have announced that Hillary Clinton won the next debate.”

“A new survey says that one in 10 people use their cell phones during sex. And most say it doesn’t affect their driving at all.”

“In the recent presidential debate, Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump came to a draw. It was Lester Holt who lost.”

“When it comes to Muslim refugees, Sweden appears to be suffering from Stockholm syndrome.”

“Bloomberg TV plans to fact check both Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump during their first presidential debate. In order to prevent cheating on Trumps part, they’ve hired FBI Director James Comey to oversee the project.”

“Nearly every politician in Washington D.C seems to disregard the U.S. Constitution until they’re called to testify before Congress. Then the only amendment that they can remember is the Fifth.” 

“I read a news headline that claimed, ‘Billions of fleas with massive penises are about to invade your bedroom.’ Its okay — my wife won’t sleep with them either.”

“It was a homeless guy who found the bombs in New Jersey and called the cops. Guess you can say the U.S. is being protected by ‘The Department of Homeless Security.'”

“President Obama claimed that the Clinton Foundation has saved thousands of lives while out stumping for Hillary. The question is can the foundation save Hillary’s life?”

“With our country going to hell in a hand basket, Hillary has told us exactly what will be in it when it gets there.”

“Obamacare and 94 million American have one thing in common — neither are working.”

“The entire San Francisco football team is reportedly going to join Colin Kaepernick in protesting the National Anthem. It’ll be the first bit of real teamwork anyone’s seen from them in a couple of years.”

“The difference between Hillary Clinton and Hindenburg is that one is a flaming bag of gas while the other is a dirigible.”

“I opened my mouth to yell at a driver who cut me off — and my foot fell out.”

“I thought my cousin forgot to wish me a ‘Happy Labor Day,’ then I remembered he’s been out of work for three years now.”

“The one thing no one has been able to find in Hillary’s emails is anything about yoga.”

“Hillary and Huma claim they can manage the White House staff, but in reality — they can’t even manage their husband’s staffs.”

“Although it denied bias, Facebook changed its news feed bar to end biases, meaning it admits they were there in the first place.”

“Nixon opened relations with China while Reagan opened the Berlin Wall. Meanwhile Hillary opened a jar of pickles.”

“Cops had to bust up a party that Malia Obama was involved in. Don’t be shocked — if she’s gonna be like her daddy — she gotta start somewhere.”

“Black Lives Matter isn’t in Louisiana because you can’t burn buildings that are underwater.”

“One should not do anything incredibly stupid when calling others stupid! Oops — too late.”

“President Obama is like Emperor Nero who ‘fiddled while Rome burned.’ In Obama’s case his golfed while Milwaukee burned and as Louisiana drowned.”

“I was born great — and its all been down hill since.”

“CBS News is reporting that Lake Mead near Las Vegas is drying up. If it’s so, maybe this is God’s way of breaking the Democratic strong-hold over Southern Nevada.”

“If kids these days don’t stop complaining about everything were gonna have to change, ‘Life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness,’ to ‘Life, liberty and the pursuit of helplessness.'”

“The New World Order Pope Francis plus President Hillary Clinton will equal Hell on Earth.”

“Sixty-seven percent of Americans, when asked say they don’t want the Clinton’s back in the White House. The other 33-percent still want to know who these Clinton’s’ were that the pollsters kept asking about.”

“The FBI is warning local law enforcement to be aware of threats made against them by the ‘Black Guerrilla Family.’ Evidently, being call ‘monkey’ isn’t enough.”

“Warren Buffet claims Donald Trump’s afraid to release his tax returns. Evidently, Buffet doesn’t know that releasing them isn’t required by the U.S. Constitution in order to run for President.”

“Pope Francis says that if he has to talk about Islamic violence, he has to also talk about Catholic violence. I’m pretty sure he’s not meaning Democratic VP nominee Tim Kaine’s kind of un-Catholic violence though.”

“Ford and Jose Cuervo are teaming up to make car parts out of the byproducts of tequila production, which kind of defeats the purpose of ‘don’t drink and drive.”

“The character ‘Commander Data,’ from ‘Star Trek, the Next Generation,’ must have been a Progressive too. He didn’t understand sarcasm or humor either.”

“Jumping the fence at the border will get you invited to the Democratic National Convention. Jumping the fence at the DNC will get you arrested.”

“President Obama certainly painted a rosy picture of the economy, national security and society as a whole during his DNC speech. To bad he failed to mention that most of those roses are dead.”

“It took less technology for American’s to landed on the moon in 1969 than it does to catch a Pokémon today.”

“My refrigerator is running — and I plan to vote for it!”

“President Obama has been briefed on the murders of three Baton Rouge law enforcement officers. He has not released a statement as of yet, so no further violence is expected at the moment.”

“It must be easier to buy a truck in France than a book or a computer.”

“The number one cause of Global Warming will soon be man-made due to the number of candlelight vigils held following a terror attack.

“If an Ariana Grande concert’s the best England can do to fight Islamic terrorism, then as a country, they’re screwed.” 

“If Black people are convinced that White people want to kill them, and then protesting in the middle of the road, blocking traffic is like begging for a funeral.”

“When it comes to the argument between whether ‘Black Lives Matter,’ ‘Blue Lives Matter’ or ‘All Lives Matter,’ the real truth is that to the federal government, ‘No Lives Matter'”

“Now that Andrew Jackson’s being replaced by Harriet Tubman on the $20 bill, the U.S. Treasury should put Caitlyn Jenner on the three-dollar bill.”

“It’s funny that environmental activists in Reno are celebrating Earth Day inside because of rain. It’s proof that God does have a sense of humor.”

“I should have known better after reading the fine print saying, ‘In the event of a criminal investigation in regard to any income tax return we help you file, we promise to try every option we can possibly think of before finally turning state’s evidence against you.’”

“Hillary Clinton and Bernie Sanders accused each other of not being qualified to be president. And you know what — they’re both rigged

“It’s ironic that President Dwight Eisenhower, who warned the U.S of the ‘rise of the military industrial complex,’ also provided the National Interstate System on which that military could gain access to the entire nation.”

“In biblical times an ass that spoke was considered a miracle. Today all we have to do is turn on the television or radio.”

“I don’t exercise because I don’t want to spill my coffee.”

“In recent interview Former U.S. Defense Secretary Robert Gates is claiming that President Obama ‘double-crossed’ him. He’ll have to get in line as Obama double-crossed all of America.”

“Bra-cups are no good — you can’t even drink from one!”

“Las Vegas hotel and casino developer Steve Wynn claims that, ‘Nobody likes being around poor people.’ I find that quite odd – I like being around myself and I make great company – jus’ don’t ask me to buy you anything.”

“Ordinarily, staring is creepy. But if you spread your attention across many individuals, then it’s just people watching.”

“A Fresno man recently climbed a rock and got stuck while proposing to his girlfriend, then had to be rescued. Stuck…little does he know.”

“The website ‘Total Beauty’ is under fire for confusing Whoopi Goldberg for Oprah Winfrey. You can’t blame the website though; it’s difficult to tell one Progressive from another.”

“I find it interesting that since Austin ‘Chumlee’ Russell’s arrest in connection with a sexual assault investigation, no one is pressuring Disney–ABC to cancel the reality show “Pawn Stars.”

“It doesn’t pay to ‘go commando’ while wearing zippered jeans.”

“Scientists claim that Neanderthals and Human Beings interbred about 100,000 years ago and now we know where Bernie Sanders came from.”

“God should be allowed in school. He deserves a free education too.”

“If the Paleo diet is supposed to be so good for you — what happened to the caveman?”

“I studied abroad once — the wife wasn’t very happy.”

“American IQ scores are declining. To give you an idea how bad it is — 37-percent of us think Hillary Clinton is honest and trustworthy.”

“President Obama rejected the Keystone XL Pipeline, but he had a good reason – approving the pipeline would have been good for America.”

“President Obama calls ISIS ‘ISIL’ and Secretary of State John Kerry calls it ‘Daesh’ while terror group calls Obama and Kerry ‘idiots.’

“President Obama’s ISIS strategy now enjoys a 90 percent approval rating… among members of ISIS.”

“Former Maryland Governor Martin O’Malley is still in the race for the Democratic nomination, but he isn’t getting much traction.  He’s now polling behind the Syrian refugees.”

“On the Today Show, Charlie Sheen announced that he is HIV positive. That said — Sheen still looks better than Matt Lauer.”

“The Fifth Circuit Court of Appeals has blocked President Obama’s executive orders on immigration. Now he’s considering an executive order to eliminate the Fifth Circuit Court of Appeals.”

“Some Syrian refugees have already been settled in New Orleans, and they’re assimilating quickly. In fact, they’re already complaining about the crime!”

“If life is a circle like a tire, mine needs more air.”

“Most folk who claim to be ‘victims’ are delighted to have been ‘victimized’ because it lets them gain money, attention and hurt their rivals.”

“Hillary Clinton’s image continues to deteriorate. To give you an idea how bad — even MSNBC’s Brian Williams is calling HER a liar.”

“When Patriots won’t fight for anything, Progressives won’t see a need to compromise on anything.”

“As Europe experiences an immigration crisis, Democrats are ready to help. They’re setting up voter registration tables at the borders.”

“A new poll shows 68 percent of adults believe the U.S. is headed in the wrong direction. The other 32 percent are so disgusted; they’re talking about moving back to Mexico.”

“Brian Williams, after more than six months in exile, is back on TV at MSNBC. Williams will be earning $10 million a year — which comes to about $1 million per viewer.”

“House Speaker John Boehner is resigning. He’s realized that it next to impossible for him to cave-in to the President Obama’s agenda any more than he has.”

“NBC is replacing Donald Trump with Arnold Schwarzenegger as the host of ‘The Apprentice.’ Trump claims its proof immigrants ARE stealing American jobs.”

“Vice President Biden confused Pope Francis during his visit to the White House. Biden congratulated the Pope on the Cardinals having the best record in the league.”

“My next door neighbor’s son proposed to his girlfriend by giving her a belly-button ring. I’m guessing its a naval engagement.”

“Wisconsin Governor Scott Walker may have dropped out of the GOP race too soon. The latest polls show Walker well ahead of Jim Gilmore – which begs the question – WHO?”

“A new poll says 75 percent of Americans see widespread corruption in government. As for the other 25 percent – they’re afraid to open their eyes!”

“Glamour magazine has named Kaitlyn Jenner as its ‘Woman of the Year.’ What balls!”

“A new study shows the average teenager lies five times a day, unlike Hillary Clinton who lies every time she opens her mouth.”

“Dairy farmers need to cover up their cows and calves when they’re nipple-feeding in public.”

“The National Enquirer’s reporting that the Kardashian family’s falling apart, but on the upside, plastic surgeon’s say they can save them.”

“One day YouTube, Twitter and Facebook will be combined into one, called ‘You Twit Face.'”

“The difference between Sarah Palin and Michelle Obama is Playboy verses National Geographic.”

“Before he made his final decision not to run for president, Joe Biden supposedly enjoyed a 90 percent support… among television news anchors.”

“Scientists say elephant genes hold clues for fight against cancer. It comes with a side effect though – a craving for peanuts.”

“Coffee has always been a part of my five-year plan for the past 50 years.”

“The world’s most expensive hotel suite is at The Mark in New York City at 75 thousand dollars a night. The hotel is so fancy, the housekeepers are legal immigrants.”

“National Geographic is making a movie based on Bill O’Reilly’s book, “Killing Reagan.” Meanwhile, O’Reilly is writing another book about President Obama called “Killing America.”

“Relations between the U.S. and Russia are bad. In fact, they’re so bad President Obama has ‘unfriended’ Vladimir Putin on Facebook.”

“Before he made his final decision not to run for president, Joe Biden supposedly enjoyed a 90 percent support… among television news anchors.”

“The National Enquirer’s reporting that the Kardashian family’s falling apart, but on the upside, plastic surgeon’s say they can save them.”

“Dr. Ben Carson said he wouldn’t support electing a Muslim president. A new poll says 71 percent of Americans think it’s too late.”

“Now that Andrew Jackson’s being replaced by Harriet Tubman on the $20 bill, the U.S. Treasury should put Caitlyn Jenner on the three-dollar bill.”

“Environmental activists in Reno are celebrating Earth Day inside because it’s raining. It’s proof that God does have a sense of humor.”

Promote yourself until it pays off.

Don’t ask God to change your environment when He already sent you.

Don’t regret being a good person to wrong people.

Use the areas that are working in your life to correct the areas not working.

Hope troubles a bad situation.

Don’t confuse your mistakes with your value as a person.

You’re the agent of change.

Only those who risk going too far will ever know how far they can go.

The door to opportunity swings on hinges of opposition.

Procrastination only delays the inevitable.

An eclipse is accurately predictable when so much of life seems not to be.

You have to face it before you can defeat it.

Behind every cloud is sunshine.

Don’t allow the enemy to rob you of today’s good moments.

People watching is easy, understanding people is difficult, writing about them is nearly impossible.

Saturate yourself in truth and then speak that truth with passion and love.

What’s in your heart comes out of your mouth without self-control.

That obstacle you’re facing is an opportunity, so quit cursing it.

Don’t be blinded by someone else’s observation.

Far from what I once was — but not yet what I am.

Choose purity over policy; principal beyond politics.

Values and virtues, not rules and regulation.

Religion is for people afraid of going to Hell; faith is for those who’ve already been.

Your mind is your best weapon.

Nothing big ever comes from thinking small.

Confidence is essential if we are going to keep growing.

Love will find you once you stop hiding.

You are only limited by your own opinion.

Don’t be surprised if your circle thins out during the storm, not everyone’s qualified to carry your umbrella.

The defense of your Liberty begins with you and where you live.

Peaceful protests do not include weapons.

There’s nothing wrong with being passionate about a cause but when it takes precedent over God’s laws then it’s idolatry.

It’s our job to lift the fallen, restore the broken and heal the hurting.

Your value shouldn’t be available to everyone you come into contact with.

Money, like needless stuff without purpose, is materialism.

Don’t HOW your dreams to death.

Expectancy is the breeding ground for miracles.

Be careful of other people’s words, they may weight more than you want to carry.

God finished you before He ever started you.

Your enemies create rewards and opportunities for you.

Your lifestyle wins over those without the Word.

Turning hurt into wisdom is like baking a cake out of horseshit.

Let your past be a spring-board, not quick sand.

Your life is filled with stories worth sharing if you are open to the work.

Hold your ground and don’t shrink from battle.

Don’t create a storm, then get mad when it rains.

If your mind is on yesterday, you’re going to move in that direction.

Luck is the by-product of piss-poor planning.

Success is based on persistence not luck.

A burnt candle at both ends leaves no wick.

A small gesture of kindness can mean the whole world to someone.

Go ahead, piss on my parade. I have your umbella.

Stop shedding tears over people who continually let you down.

Gratitude is confirmation of relationship.

Today is a turning point.

Some people cannot see who you really are and they’re not meant too.

Just’ because misery loves company doesn’t mean you have to be its companion.

Having the mind of Christ doesn’t mean your thoughts are pure; you’re still human.

Sometimes your prayers do more from a distance than close up.

Don’t downgrade your dreams to match someone who refuses to change for the better.

The people that see dreams come to pass are the people that stay committed.

Today’s decisions will be tomorrow’s realities.

There are some parts of our lives that are not salvageable; let them go.

Don’t live in the prison of other people’s opinions.

A nuclear bomb has never started a war, but it did end one.

Don’t fear moving on; be afraid of standing still.

Quit listening to all the negative chatter from the world.

Remaining benign in a free society is as malignancy is to a tumor.

Half an answer is no answer at all.

Climbing the ladder of life eventually leads to eternity.

Never in the history of humanity has a governement or governmental organization done the will of God.

Because we’re no longer able to laugh at ourselves, we’re no longer able to cry with each other.

Forget the straight answer — sometime you can’t even get a simple answer.

An insult is simply that person’s way of dealing with their own hurt.

Some people are so poor, all they have is money.

Not all is lost to those who fail.

Whatever the day brings is the adventure.

Your inward power has the ability to transform your outward condition.

You matter and make a difference.

Acknowledging others point of view is not the same as agreeing with them.

The Law is unemotional while Justice feels everything.

You’re a history maker and a world changer.

You’re not weak, you’re not lacking.

Remember that your gifts develop in obscurity – not notoriety.

Quit setting yourself on fire for people who are only to willing to watch you burn.

You have the spirit of a warrior, not a worrier.

No one can take your joy if they didn’t give it to you.

Don’t waste your time worrying about your enemies.

You’ve been liberated from your past and delivered into your destiny.

Love at first sight is usually over in the blink of an eye.

Don’t be scared by the opposition.

The Bible says we’re to love ourselves.

Never allow money to control your mission.

You cannot talk defeat and expect to have victory.

Don’t get stuck in the role of always “needing” — you’re designed to give.

Letting go of the past leaves room for something better to come along.

It’s who you are on the inside that defines what you chose to do on the outside.

While in pursuit of your purpose don’t be afraid to ruffle feathers.

We all have our own ‘Glass Castle’ to tend.

It’s best to believe the best in people and get disappointed occasionally than believe the worst of people at all times.

Give love, affirmations and be a blessing to someone else in need.

If opportunity doesn’t knock, then build a door.

What’s in you is greater than anything outside you.

Struggles and hardships give us opportunities to grow.

You can’t give what you don’t have.

Make room for tomorrow by saying good-bye to yesterday.

Even if it seems like you’re in desert, you’re going to flourish.

Letting go of the past is only hard when you don’t believe in your future.

Don’t let anyone drain you of your joy.

Don’t nurture what needs to be neutered in your life.

Anytime you move forward, there will be opposition.

You are too awesome to be ignored.

If the devil can’t convince you to be idle, he’ll drive you to do too much.

Life is a journey; find your path and go.

Shift your focus from the burden to the blessing.

Keep smiling through the disappointments.

People know when you are going somewhere and not everyone wants you to get there.

A rubber band works only when stretched.

We’re all spirit beings having a human experience.

I peeled back the mask and discovered myself beneath it.

Life is too short to waste it in the wrong place.

Instead of giving someone a piece of your mind, added them to your prayer list.

Love is the most powerful force we have.

Sometimes you win, sometimes you lose. Either way you learn.

Your struggle is proof that you haven’t given up.

If you’re not passionate about it, don’t spend energy pursuing it.

You’re here for purpose not popularity.

Embrace your uniqueness and then watch others follow.

Make your mark, impact the world, and take yourself to the next level.

Being strong isn’t only about standing in the face of adversity.

The only reason we fail is because of our broken focus.

Don’t dwell in yesterday’s darkness if you’re going to see the light of tomorrow.

You are an expression of God on this earth.

I’ll take an honest man, mistakes and all, over one that practices PC.

Don’t run from your problem or you’ll forfeit all you’ve earned from your struggle.

Amateurs built the Ark, professionals built the Titanic.

There is nothing wrong with ‘thinking inside the box.’

Stop trying to kick in doors that have been closed.

To simply exist is a waste of your days.

Some people can’t stand to see you succeed so they’ll do anything to block you.

Every blessing comes with a burden.

Stop thinking how easy your neighbor’s life looks and start focusing on your own.

Forgiveness isn’t about the sentence — it’s about the repentance.

Fear cancels faith.

If it wasn’t a blessing — it was a lesson.

It takes sadness to appreciate happiness and absence to value presence.

Don’t let setbacks devastate you so much the you take your eye off the reward.

Success is as final as failure is fatal.

When you live from a place of hope, nothing will be able to move you.

No man is a failure when he sees himself as successful.

Even if you don’t, act like you have the life you desire.

A closed mind always manufactures self-doubt.

A compliment only takes seconds, but the result could last a lifetime.

The more you try to capture ‘the moment,’ the more elusive it becomes.

It’s time to let the past go — especially if you are mourning a time inwhich you were never alive.

You’re stronger than that negative voice inside your head.

Self-doubt is the first step taken towards failure.

Tough times are an opportunity to grow.

Stop allowing people to apply labels on your life that don’t fit.

Enjoy where you are on the way to where you’re going.

Learn to let go of hurtful words.

No one has the power to break you unless you give that power to them.
Take the time to find the beauty amid the mess.

While searching for ‘Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness’ — take time to count your blessings.

It’s time to discover new strengths within yourself and build on them.

When you know better – you do better.

Don’t try to understand everything that happens.

The longer you hang around closed doors the less time you’ll have to spend walking through the open doors.

Don’t give your heart to people who can’t handle it.

You are too valuable to be violated.

Give yourself what you wish from others.

When you make decisions, listen to your Spirit.

If you want change, you have to be willing to let go.

Don’t waste time on those who dislike you when there’re so many who love you.

If someone has hurt you — you don’t have to stay hurt.

The only place to start is where you are.

Walk in your greatness.

Just because you fear, that doesn’t mean you have to be afraid.

Refuse to be a product of your past or live by labels and limits others put on you.

Don’t try to force what no longer fits.

Once you start evaluating the people around you and begin to see the only thing you have in common is your past, don’t be afraid to leave them there.

Act like everyone loves you.

It doesn’t matter where you went wrong, it matters what you do going forward.

From God’s viewpoint no dream is too big and no idea too outrageous.

When there’s a right time that means any other time is the wrong time.

This chapter in your life isn’t your whole story.

Sometimes watching a ‘B’ movie is simply good for the soul.

Make friends with your needs.

If your life isn’t going in the right direction, stop and plot a new course.

It’s gratitude that allows us to love deeply.

Let your fear and discouragement be broken.

Be unapologetic with your love.

Sadly, the law is powerless to help — but not punish.

A delay isn’t a denial.

Don’t let opposition intimidate you.

You are worthy.

Life is beautiful and so are you.

Frustration is settling for less than your best.

The Truth that you know is what sets you free.

Sometimes what we’re insecure with, others find beauty in.

Don’t be a constant traveler who never arrives at your destination.

What we do today will shape the person we are tomorrow.

Whatever the question, the answer isn’t self-pity.

Know that none of us have the power to take our next breath.

Being an agent of changes means going against the grain.

Embrace the beauty of this moment.

You don’t have to chase down blessings; they’ll chase you down.

Everything has beauty, even that which appears broken.

Change your future by changing your perception.

If procrastination is the disease, then action is the cure.

Don’t fall behind trying to address people you’re already ahead of.

God didn’t create you to keep everybody happy.

Go where you’re celebrated — not jus’ tolerated.

Social acceptance doesn’t equal ‘love’ or even ‘like.’

Don’t feel obligated to wait out a storm you were never meant to be in.

The Bible is a book of promises.

Forgiveness doesn’t mean forgetting, it means chosing to live better not bitter.

When the writing’s on the wall don’t mistake it for decoration.

It’s time to say goodbye to guilt, condemnation and to being against yourself.

How you respond to a situation influences how others will respond.

When the world says “you’re different,” simply smile and say “thanks for noticing.”

Choose to see the “good” in people rather than the “bad.”

The truth is the new hate speech.

Faithfulness has a greater reward than ability.

When you fall into opportunity, you still have to manage your success.

Stop letting people who do so little for you have so much control over your life.

The Bible is a book of hope.

People will talk the talk but seem to always fall short during the delivery.

Prepare for where you’re going, not for where you’ve been.

Don’t try to figure out the next five years, playing all the ‘what if’s.’

Don’t get bitter; get better.

The truth has no agenda and an agenda knows no truth.

Don’t forget God after you’ve found success.

For many of us, our greatest shortcoming is our inability to ask for help.

Once God brings you out of a difficult place don’t hang around looking for answers.

‘I love you,’ has as many letters as ‘bullshit,’ especially when it isn’t meant.

It’s easier to preach the Gospel to thousands than it is to talk of Christ to one.

Being emotionally and spiritually broken makes you stronger.

Compulsion doesn’t increase the quality of life.

You’ll never see what’s ahead of you if you keep looking back.

Wisdom is understanding that there are things you won’t understand.

Longing for your past will not get you a better future.

Without vigorous exercise, Liberty dies an unfit death.

Faith and doubt both take work — but produce different results.

Love yourself at all costs.

The young man whose too old for his childhood teddy bear has some growing to do.

Never shy away from standing alone.

Not all snakes crawl — some sit in church pews and stand at the pulpit.

Forgiveness is a free gift anyone can give.

How you sit with the broken speaks louder than how you walk with the great.

You’ll fall several times, so you might as well take credit for it.

Jesus said ‘turn the other cheek.’ But I’m like Peter, I’d rather lop your ear off.

An ounce of action outweighs a ton of talk.

There’s a difference between winning and succeeding.

God doesn’t harvest what He didn’t plant.

Everyday we have the opportunity to re-invent ourselves for better or worse.

Learn to swallow your pride so your soul won’t get skinned up when you do fall.

Go ahead and take the risk.

It wasn’t the nails that held Christ to the cross — it was love for you.

Life is hard, but living is harder.

Remember to apply the oil of kindness to the mechanics of simply being human.

Peaceful does not mean defenseless.

Moderation is a fault but indifference is a crime.

If you wish to rest in peace, begin by living in peace.

Put your expectations away.

We are all something, but none of us is everything.

Life is like a mirror, smile at it and it smiles back.

Dedicate yourself to doing the right thing, not the same thing.

The most valuable piece of real estate is the graveyard of broken dreams.

When delivered from evil, don’t stay in touch with it.

You’re not a fool because you’ve been fooled — unless you keep falling for it.

Be who God made you to be.

I can and I will.

Time to get over the people who’ve gotten over you.

The single tree is the start of the entire forest.

Life is a forward moving experiment.

All ‘short-comings’ are actually ‘long-goings.’

Surround yourself with people who inspire you.

If you don’t do it for yoursel, no none else will.

The line between ‘naked’ and ‘nude’ is often blurred, but can be fixed using a better camera.

Self-acceptance is the first step on the path to self-change.

The Smart want to change the world; the Wise want to change themselves.

Anger is the energy that makes the mouth move faster than the brain.

Stop stopping yourself.

Duct tape works pretty good, but it only took three nails to fix everything.

Kindness strengthens the fiber of society.

There is opportunity in today, seek it out.

Follow your heart, but take your brain with you.

What you feed your mind determines your appetite.

Knowing what’s around every corner, makes life meaningless.

Facts don’t care about feelings.

Integrity needs no rules.

You can’t injure your eyes by looking on the bright side.

It’s okay to toot your own horn, it causes your walls to crumble.

Show me a perfectionist and I’ll show you an unhappy person.

A wish requires thought while a dream demands action.

If you think you can’t, you won’t — so don’t.

You’re your own roadblock.

Your riches don’t come from man or money.

Happiness usually sneaks in through a window we didn’t know was open.

When making a mountain out of a mole hill, take care not to trip and fall.

The water isn’t as muddy as we think, save for the dirt we insist on kicking up.

Beware the people who’ll light your shirt ablaze because you wear your patriotism on your sleeve.

Be the rainbow in someone else’s cloud.

Be satisfied in your progression not others expectations.

You know you’re moving in the right direction when you become uninterested in what people think about you.

Stop trying to prove yourself right to the wrong people.

Make room in your life for what you want.

Prayer doesn’t require proof, it needs practiced.

There’s a difference between being honest and telling the truth,

Trying to keep everyone happy will never make you happy.

That person trying to bring you down is already beneath you.

Not everyday is perfect, but it’s still part of the process.

Change your attititude to change your circumstances.

It is in our nature that we should want God to heal or help us, but we should also ask Him what the root of the problem is and to help us overcome that too.

Strong people never come with an easy past.

The brave may fall — but I shall never kneel!

Sometimes I wanna get drunk and stay drunk until the end of the world arrives.

There is a fine line between being revered and reviled. I obviously don’t know where that line is.

Honor and courage; if you don’t have one, you have neither.

If you think too long — you’ll think all wrong.

Hope is the gift of God that gives you peace no matter what’s happening around you.

Rest is not idleness.

The driving problem with any form of man-made governance is immorality.

Faith doesn’t prevent life — it carries you through it.

What the federal government gives, the same federal government has taken away.

You don’t need a filter or an app on your life to live it to the fullest.

You and I are sinners and we need Jesus.

Once you embrace your imperfections, they cannot be used against you.

You have seeds of greatness in you, so start planting.

Rain falls from the clouds when it becomes heavy; tears because of pain.

Not everyone will understand your journey.

If you plant a seed and never water it, it’s not going to grow.

Our lives change with each breath we take.

Don’t let “stinkin’ thinkin'” drag you down.

Those that don’t miss you won’t look for you; those that won’t look for you don’t care about you.

Value those who value you and don’t give priority to those who see you as an option.

Three things that leave and never return: time, words and opportunity.

The truth hurts but once; a lie each time it’s remembered.

In the end, it’s the people in our lives that leave their imprint on us.

Beauty’s measure in two ways; if you’re ugly on the inside, you’re ugly on the outside.

Old age is that point in time where your body starts taking life badly.

It’s time to cut off every negative thing that’s draining your life.

When someone talks crap about my son’s upbringing, they’re talking crap about me, too.

No matter who turns against you remember that God has your back.

Make today that someday you’ve been talking about.

Some people cannot see what you see, so continue leading the way.

Don’t waste your emotional energy on people who do not want to help themselves.

Be revolutionary, tell the truth.

Two-percent of the passionate always rules over 98-percent of the indifferent.

A fine is a tax for doing wrong and a tax is a fine for doing well.

Positive thinking will change your world.

When news-gathering is about making money — it’s propaganda.

That person you jus’, met is either a blessing or a lesson.

Freedom of speech has never been so poorly regarded by so many Americans as now.

Stop saying things that work against you.

Giving government more control is never the answer.

Gear your mindset toward the positive — what you can do, achieve and be.

Be the encouragement in a world filled with criticisms.

Don’t invest yourself in a mistake simply because you spent a lot of time making it.

The truth is like a wild animal; set it free and watch it defend itself.

It’s always the innocent that get hurt by government meddling.

You can’t think defeat and then expect to win.

Success is the total of continual effort.

People understand simplicity.

The boot which fits one person pinches the other.

Be slow to get offended, then you’ll be even slower to anger.

Sometimes the best thing we can do is simply roll-with-the-punches.

There is power in the words we speak.

Quit falling for the drama queens — real or perceived.

Do not allow anyone to throw you from your throne.

The parakeet has more in common with the dinosaur than you have with a monkey.

Without opposition, you won’t see the fullness of your destiny.

Don’t simply hope; prayer works too.

Because it’s unlawful to open-hand strike a person for being stupid — hard words and bad names will have to do.

Time doesn’t heal all wounds. We jus’ learn to keep them clean.

Beware the dragon you plan to slay, it could be bigger than you think.

When you say, “I don’t have the time…” you’re really saying, “I don’t have the desire…”

Your dog is always happy to see you even when you’re not happy to see yourself.

Where you are in life is not where you’re meant to be. Move forward.

We are left unhappy by our pursuit of perfection when we should really be searching to be made whole.

You’re filled with what the world calls ‘imperfections,’ but jus’ remember you’re created perfectly.

The universe is unfolding as it should.

You are responsible for your own change.

Your scars don’t define you.

The good fight of faith isn’t to straighten out rumor-mongers; the real fight is to keep your focus.

Master your mouth or become a slave to your words.

To build unity among people, the federal government must be dispossessed of power.

Perfection always eludes us and keeps us unhappy even with the good we’ve done.

We need to be truthful with ourselves as we review our actions each day.

Don’t ever wish to be someone else. You are tailor-made.

Today there will be grace. And maybe chocolate. Definitely coffee.

Sadly, our society is replacing ‘sacred space’ with ‘safe space.’

Not only do you have a story, you are the story. Write it all down and share.

Life is about what you are and not your circumstances.

Slay your demons, dissect them and find out what they’ve fed on.

Let every ineffective place in your life become productive.

When we truly value something we will always make time for it.

If the 18th Amendment can be repealed then so can Obamacare.

Rarely does the self-serving man recognize his own rot.

Some days we need a hug more than we need advice.

No one can destroy your character unless you allow it.

Don’t let limited beliefs stop you from getting to where you’re destined to be.

Don’t worry about what you’re not, focus on what you are.

When you feel lost — start over from the beginning.

There’s a wealth of treasure on the inside of you.

Your life is too valuable to live less than your all.

Don’t allow a mud puddle to become an ocean of despair.

Like the Roman god, Janus — the media and politicians have two faces.

To feel human again, have a conversation with a three-year-old.

Both Listen and silent are spelled using the same letters.

The battle you’re facing today is an indicator of the blessings coming tomorrow.

It’s okay to fall-down, but not to stay down.

You won’t find happiness in the place you lost it.

Death by political correctness is Hell on earth.

Jus’ because some can’t see your value — it doesn’t change your worth.

You’ve the ability to help someone reach their destiny.

Trust yourself.

You are perfect exactly as you are.

Don’t let distractions move you away from your destiny.

Don’t fear the rejection of others.

We can choose to behave with personal integrity, not because it will make someone else feel better, but because it reflects us.

Know that you ARE more than enough.

No matter where you are, you’re not supposed to stay stuck at that level.

There’s a difference between being low and being deep.

Worry more about what comes out of your mouth than what goes in it.

Sometimes the people closest to you can’t see the greatness in you.

You are beautiful.

Submit yourself only to God’s authority.

You might know God, but you really need to have a relationship with Jesus.

Thirty-three thousand, eight-hundred Christian religions but only one Jesus Christ.

Now is the day to make that change.

Don’t allow regrets to take the place of dreams.

Look in the mirror and see; proof that God does perform miracles.

Your worst enemy can’t hurt you as much as your own thoughts.

Time costs nothing, yet every second is priceless.

You can be a problem or the solution — your choice.

Wait.

Don’t let someone else live the life you’ve been saved for.

Don’t be anybody’s doormat, but peace is Holy.

“And He opened His mouth, and taught them…”

Walking away doesn’t mean you’re weak.

The whale is in danger of being harpooned only when spouting off.

A uniform language keeps a nation unified.

Never trust a politician who promises to build a bridge where there is no river.

A fence can’t be made stronger with white-wash.

You are not a human doing — you are a human being.

Now is the time to doubt your doubts.

Your enemies may think they’re burying you but you’re really being planted.

Worry doesn’t change your situation, but action will.

Do not be afraid to dream bigger than anything you are qualified to do.

Don’t let your own thoughts discourage you.

We must not talk fear, we need to speak faith.

That which infects the world will eventually infect you; the only cure is Christ.

Mistakes made in your past are life-lessons, not life-sentences.

Don’t back down now…press in and push on.

Make sure the people you’re choosing to spend time with have qualities you can trust.

In a world of sheep and wolves, be the sheep-dog.

If you’ve got a mess in your life, it’s time to examine your choices.

The people who are most successful in life are war-torn and battle-scarred.

Some people are dangerous to your well-being.

You were born to be blessed.

Like muddy water is hard to see through, a troubled mind is difficult to understand.

Jus’ because it looks right on the outside doesn’t mean it’s right on the inside.

When life knocks you to your knees, relax and take the time to pray.

If ‘naming and shaming’ worked, there’d be fewer politicians in Washington D.C.

Human rights are paid for in taxes, but Liberty’s price is blood.

Don’t focus on your problems because they’ll consume you.

“He opened not His mouth.”

We have confused the federal government and our country when the two are separate and distinct entities, as reflected by the Bill of Rights, which expressly protects the people and the states from the federal government.

Your enemies will do more to promote you than your friends.

Decide to be whole and undivided.

Keep it short and simple by doing one thing at a time.

Stop letting your past hurt rob you of your present happiness.

If a person can’t handle their own life, why would you trust them with yours?

Failing is the easiest thing to do.

Where the gun is banned, the man with the hammer, the vehicle or the knife is King.

Don’t dust before you sweep.

Not everyone who works at a radio station is a broadcaster and not every broadcaster is media.

Beware of “busyness.” Don’t get so caught up in it that you miss out on your life.

Do the small things, but do them with great love.

The six hardest words a husband must learn to say to his wife: “You are right. I was wrong.”

We get what we tolerate.

Allow yourself to be pushed into your purpose.

Your walls, your armor, is preventing you from growing into your gifts.

Without a link to the past there is no future in our history.

Never discredit your gut instinct.

We all need the Man in the middle.

My flag is red, white and blue. I will not accept a red flag or black flag and never the white banner of surrender.

I don’t advocate violence for sake of violence, rather I do so in the name of self-preservation and defense.

If you expect me to look away — you expect wrong. I’m not that guy.

An instructor once told me: “You can only wipe one ass at a time; so focus.”

There are some days when I think I’m a descendent of Noah’s son, Ham.

Words by themselves are meaningless.

If you look with your heart as well as your eyes, you’ll see God in everything.

Don’t let the storm on the outside get to you on the inside.

Cynicism is as close to the truth as some will ever get.

When you get your teeth kicked in while doing what’s right, remember to smile.

Silence is God’s language. Everything else is static.

Don’t get distracted, entangled, wasting time and energy in battles that don’t matter.

Don’t try to force what no longer fits in your life.

Sit in the back of the room and wait to be called to the front.

CCTV does not stop criminals.

Whether you bury you head in the sand or seek the truth, both require digging.

Those who run towards gunfire, into the burning building, against the surge of a panicked public, are the true heroes.

When the media says ‘major incident,’ they’re looking for an excuse, not the truth.

Only God gets to look down on others and then He’s too humble to do even that.

“Incident,” is a word the media uses when what’s happening doesn’t fit the narrative.

God’s on your side regardless if you believe in Him or not, because He believes in you.

Your season has shifted.

We’re not as divided as a nation as the media portrays the U.S. to be.

Don’t let anyone box you in.

How you start isn’t as important as how you finish.

Getting fired from your job is a promotion — there’s a new future ahead.

Know that you have unlimited faith.

What is for you shall not pass you.

You’re never punished for your anger, you’re punished by your anger.

The giant in front of you is never bigger than the God inside you.

Life’s best lessons are never taught in a classroom.

The best secret to gift giving is that a gift given in secret is the best.

God will never put more cake on your plate than you can candle.

Do good and disappear.

Patience is not only waiting, it’s how we act while we’re waiting.

Go the extra mile but refuse to give an inch.

Your critics aren’t really shoving you down — they’re actually pushing you up.

Rejection is a push towards full potential.

Don’t only dress the part — be the part.

It’s good to question someone’s “transformation.”

It’s far better to drink the coffee than the Kool-Aid.

People are only offended when it’s a benefit to themselves.

Creativity requires stillness.

Two of the most important days in your life are the day you’re born and the day you find out why.

Problems cannot be solved using the same thinking that created them.

I’d rather take my enemy’s hand rather than take his life…but…

Beware — aluminum is as shiny as knight’s armor.

America’s standards began to slip about the same time as the paperboy was no longer required to get the newspaper on the front porch.

You cannot out-pray God’s will.

Nearly everything works again once you unplug it for a while before plugging it back in…including you.

Prohibition failed to work even in the Garden of Eden.

The truth dies in the bed of ignorance.

The difference between old and antique is the value placed on it.

Humility comes only after confiding in you my defects.

If folks can hate for no good reason, then you can love for no better reason.

Walking into a brick wall or a sliding glass door, both hurt. One only seems funnier.

The World is changed through action, not opinion.

When your Elders speak, be quiet, listen intently and learn.

People tend to call others’ names based on the way they behave. For example, act ‘stupid,’ get called ‘stupid.’

Now I understand how the blacksmith felt when the horseless carriage was introduced.

The one thing you and I have that Progressives do not, faith in God.

Be encouraged when you find yourself being pushed.

Don’t use failure as an excuse to quit, use it to promote.

Discomfort now, blessings later.

Have no desire to fit in.

Hurt people hurt people.

Quit asking, ‘What’s wrong with me?’ Instead, start pronouncing what is right.

Calling an employee a ‘worker,’ is degrading and so Communist.

People who grate on you are like sandpaper to the soul.

Excellence begins with the smallest detail.

Do more than expected.

Some people will never read the bible — but they will try to read you.

Don’t compromise your value.

Your greatest breakthrough is right after your greatest battle.

Wisdom is knowing your self-worth.

You’re not a product of what you went through or what happened to you.

FAITH: Forwarding All Issues To Heaven.

Find satisfaction in doing your best.

Your mess is simply a shortening of your message.

You are Gods hands at work in the earth.

Why blend in when you were born to stand out?

Walking in love begins in our mind.

Who you associate with helps determine where you’re heading.

That pressure you’ve been under is about to push you into your promise.

You don’t need validation from someone who never called or chose you in the first place.

You can’t conquer a mountain without climbing it.

You can’t change the past but you can change your future.

What if Jesus lived for our forgiveness instead of died for our sins?

Let us fear never to stand in the gap between Liberty and tyranny.

The law is no substitute for morality.

Anybody who uses the politically correct phrase “broken immigration system” has amnesty on their mind.

What’s happening on cable news is the assassination of our cultural values.

You can do a lot more than you think you can, but you have to apply yourself.

The only place ‘rest’ comes before ‘work’ is in the dictionary.

It’s activist judges, who hate the U.S. Constitution, that are placing us in danger.

There is no distance in prayer.

Happiness is the corner cut from a fresh baked pan of brownies.

As long as you run from it, you’ll never be free of it.

Getting stuck in difficulty is where we learn.

Don’t let the rejection from a few stop you from seeing the acceptance of the many.

Focus on who is for you and not against you.

The best place for anyone to be is in another person’s prayers.

It’s time for you to rise up and be who you’re meant to be.

Nothing happens without faith.

We’ll never drive out the terrorists and extremists till we drive out activist judges.

I miss the smell and taste of radio station and newsroom coffee.

The only way out of the valley is through it.

There are no observers in the war on our Liberty. You either act or stand with the destroyers. There is no middle ground.

You are a gift that will fill someone’s life.

You are not loved because you are valuable — you are valuable because you are loved.

If you want to stay on your feet, stop going back to what knocks you down.

It’s our flaws that make us interesting.

Open your mind to the amazing possibilities for your life.

We’re human beings, not human doings. Don’t jus’ ‘do’ but ‘be.’

Quit saying, “In biblical times…” when speaking of the bible. We are in biblical times. Don’t believe it? Read, “Revelation.”

God doesn’t love you because of the friends you have or because you come from a certain family. He loves you because you are His child. He breathed His life into you.

Joy does not simply happen. We must choose it and keep choosing it every day.

Under the sharia, criticism of Islam is punishable by death. Both the media and law enforcement have submitted to it.

Your willingness to wait will reveal the value you place on what you’re waiting for.

Beat a guy with wiffle bat and he’ll never threaten you again.

Sometimes you have to do the right thing, not because you feel like it, but because you’re setting an example.

How you respond to a wrong that’s been done to you, how you handle a disappointment, your attitude in the tough times, that’s leaving a mark on the people around you.

Don’t jus’ show up — show out.

Personal responsibility involves real-life outcomes.

Once I had a lot of famous friends. Turns out they were more famous than friends.

They say, ‘country music’…but I don’t think they know what ‘country music’ means.

Muslim terror attacks against children is not a new strategy.

“Soviet” means “Council,” and refers to the “workers and peasants (or soldiers).”

Cracked but not broken.

Sometimes we jus’ need to give ourselves a break.

There’s a purpose in our pain.

A father’s son is his prince, his daughter a princess. Treat them as such and one day they’ll be kings and queens.

If you don’t know the history, you won’t understand the headline.

Being scarred emotionally or physically can leave one scared. I wear all my scars like badges of honor and am therefore no longer scared.

We are all God’s children.

“No credible threat…” is PC-speak for “We’re afraid to offend anyone.”

Note to self: Not everyone gets my sense of humor.

Constantly complaining rewires your brain negatively.

The truth is always positive, so be positive or be quiet.

It’s okay to be scared, but to fear…never.

Continuing to wait when God tells you to get moving is disobedience.

There’s a story inside you that someone needs to hear.

Legends never quit, so don’t give up.

They keep using the word ‘protest’ — like they know what it means.

When an industry owns Congress, it is time to replace the puppets.

History is made through action not talk.

In life, you will either live out your own dream or work to help someone else realize theirs.

“Edify,” means to build up; “exhort,” to encourage; and “comfort” to ease.

There is power in your words.

Gun control – because it’s easier than hurting a criminal’s feelings.

The media is now apologizing for not censoring free speech.

That sign with the dot that reads, “You are here,” also shows where God is present.

False prophets and false prophecy abound in America today.

He was standing at the toilet going to the bathroom when she leaned in and looked at his unit then laughed.
“What was that all about?”
She smiled, “Stand up comedy.”

“I don’t trust anything that bleeds for a week and refuses to die,” he said.
“Well,” she reponded, I don’t trust anything with two heads and only one brain!”

Hillary looked at Satan and said, “You told me that I’d win!”
Satan relied, “And you told me that you had a soul!”

Somebody posted their political opinion on Facebook.

“Obesity runs in the family,” he said to the doctor.
The doctor responded, “Nobody run’s in your family.”

She was sitting on the edge of their bed buffing her cracked and calloused heels. He watched for a few seconds before asking, “What are you trying to do? Start a fire?”

He was standing in the check-out line behind a woman who had a child tethered to her wrist by a leash, when he asked her, “Is he a rescue?”

“Why do you watch cooking shows,” he asked his wife, “and still can’t cook?”
She replied, “Why do you watch porn?”

She was laying on her belly, reading a magazine, wearing nothing more than panties and a tee-shirt. The cat was sitting above her on the back of their sofa.
Her husband picked up the red laser light that they use to tease the cat. He aimed the dot at his wife’s butt cheeks.

“I’m retaining water,” she complained to her husband.
He looked at her and replied, “No — you’re retaining cookie dough ice cream with chocolate sauce.”

“My doctor says I’m good health for a 60 year old man and thinks I could live another 30 years.”
“You don’t drink, smoke or womanize, right?”
“That’s right.”
“Then what the hell do you want to live another 30 years for?”

“Anything you say can and will be held against you,” the female officer stated as she arrested me.
I looked back over my shoulder at her and replied, “Boobs!”
“Honey,” he said, “You ought to bring one of your girlfriends over so we can have a threesome.”
Angry, she replied, “Why? So you can disappoint two women at once?”

“I have a box filled with used clothes I want to donate,” she announced.
He looked at the box and asked, “Why not jus’ throw’em out?”
“Because there are poor starving people in our community,” she stated. “And they could use these clothes.”
“Honey,” he responded without thinking, “anyone that fits into your clothing isn’t starving.”

“I can’t trust your decision-making!” she told her husband.
He quickly responded, “I guess so, look who I married!”

He got on the elevator with a large breasted woman. She asked him to press one.

My neighbor left work Friday afternoon, but instead of going home and since it was pay-day he decided to spend the entire weekend partying, blowing most of his paycheck. When he finally arrived home late Sunday night, his wife confronted him at the door and laid into him with a tirade that lasted over two-hours.
Finally she stopped her bitching and asked him a simple question, “How would you like it if you didn’t see me for the next two or three days?”
He replied, “That would be fine with me!”
Monday went by and he didn’t see his wife; so did Tuesday and Wednesday. Finally on Thursday, the swelling went down enough that he could see her, but only out of the corner of his left eye.

The other day, I went to the Social Security office to apply for benefits. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver’s license to verify my age.
That’s when I realized that I had left it at home. I told the woman I would have to go and come back later.
The woman said, “Unbutton your shirt.”
So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver chest hair. She said, “That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me,” and she processed my Social Security application.
When I got home, I told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office. She said, “You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability too.”

My wife yelled at me, “I don’t give a flying fig about your opinion!”
“You will once I learn to fly a fig,” I returned with a smile.

My wife and I were at her high school reunion, and she kept staring at a drunk swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table. I asked her, “Do you know him?”
“Yes”, she sighed, “He’s my old boyfriend. He began drinking right after we split up years ago, and hasn’t been sober since.”
“My Goodness!” I said, “Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?”

My wife and I were watching ‘Who Wants to Be a Millionaire’ while in bed. I turned to her and said, “Do you want to have sex?”
“No,” she answered.
“Is that your final answer?” I asked.
She didn’t even look at me this time, simply saying, “Yes.”
So I said, “Then I’d like to phone a friend.”

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, “I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 165 in about 2 seconds.”
I bought her a new bathroom scale.

“My hands are blistered from using the broom,” she stated.
He smiled, “Take the car next time, silly.”

My wife was standing naked, looking in the bedroom mirror. She was not happy with what she saw and said to me, “I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.”
I replied, “Your eyesight’s damn near perfect.”

A Constitutionally oriented Jew walks in the local synagogue. Looks around and loudly states, “Any Hebrew that supports the Democratic party are today’s new ‘Sonderkommandos.'”

My wife’s hair was frizzy when she came out of the bathroom and I couldn’t help but stare.
Hoping for a little sympathy, she stated, “I decided to tease it.”
Without thinking, I responded, “I can tell — and it does look irritated.”

My wife and I were watching a made-for-TV movie. During the first half hour she asked me four questions about the plot, which I answered patiently and politely.
During the next commercial break, I asked her, “If you’re home alone and watching TV, who answers all your questions?”

When our lawn mower broke my wife kept nagging me to get it fixed. But, I always had something else to do.
Finally, she thought of a clever way to make her point. I found her seated in the tall, unmowed grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of scissors.
After watching silently for a short time, I went into the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush.
“When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway,” I said.

It was the beginning of a really bad day as I accidentally rear-ended a car.
The other driver, a dwarf, got out of the other vehicle, yelling at me, “I am NOT Happy!”
Then I asked, ‘So, which one ARE you then?”

He and his wife were watching the morning news and forgetting she was sitting next to him while referring to the commentator, he stated aloud, “You’re quite the doofus…”

“I’ve always wanted to walk down the aisle,” she said.
“Great!” he replied. “Let’s go shopping at Walmart.”

She was on the floor with her legs stretched towards the ceiling.
“What are you doing now?” he asked.
“It’s a yoga position called the ‘Candle,’ she answered.
He smiled, “That explains the odor.”
“What odor?” she asked, puzzled.
“The fart smell,” he relied. “Oh, I get it — you’re a scented candle!”

Spends days complaining about kids in cages, though the story wasn’t true; kids actually living in cages are found in New Mexico and says nothing.

U.S. citizens must give up all firearms to stop gun violence; illegal aliens have a Constitutional right to own and carry a firearm.

Need gun control to stop school shoots; must release a man from jail, who planned school shootings.

Raid religious compound in Waco, Texas killing 76 people because they ‘illegally’ acquired guns; refuse to raid religious compound in New Mexico where known Islamic terrorists are holed up.

Calls President Trump racist after the firing of Omarosa from her White House position; ignores the fact that the Clinton Administration also fired Omarosa.

Hold the Bundy’s without bail for defending land rights against the federal government; release the son of a man linked to the 1993 World Trade Center bombing and whose accused of child abuse.

Need Net Neutrality to prevent big tech companies from Internet censorship; thankful big tech company censored Alex Jones and InfoWars from Internet.

Okay to poop in the street; not okay to use plastic straws.

Not okay for politician to transport his dog in a carrier on top of the family car while on vacation; okay for unaccomanied children to travel thousands of miles on top of trains to enter the U.S. illegally.

Illegal aliens cannot be kicked out of the country; public servants can be kicked out of a restaurant because they work for the president.

How dare anyone mistreat children in any way; if you disagree with us, we will stalk and attack your kids.

Promising to put Americans back to work by increasing taxes.

ABC keeps ‘The View’ on the air inspite of continued comments made about President Trump; ABC cancels ‘Roseanne’ after a tweet made about a former-President Obama aide.

Can free three hostages from North Korea; can’t free two ranchers from the federal government.

Not okay to call criminals like ‘MS-13’ animals; refuse to call a fetus, a baby.

It’s okay to attack a politician’s private life; cries foul when the same thing is done to them.

Bans a disruptive ‘Trump supporter’ from an airline for life; completely cowed by five Muslims engaging in loud and unsettling Islamic prayer mid-flight.

Threatening to assassinate the president is free speech; claiming that there are only two genders is hate speech.

Unable to read the 1,990 pages of the Obamacare law before passing it; claims to have read all 650,000 hidden Hillary Clinton emails in eight days.

Insists on lecturing Evangelicals on Christianity; refuse to practice what they preach.

Doesn’t want the FBI to investigate candidates; nominate candidate already under FBI investigation.

A cop shooting a knife-wielding teen is bad; doctor using a scalpel to abort unborn babies is okay.

Claims that it’s wrong for Trump to have family working in cabinet; Kennedy having family working in his cabinet is different because of it was half-century ago.

Believes abortion is Constitutional right but that the right to own and bear arms isn’t.

It’s okay to murderer your fellow-citizens as long as you give them free healthcare.

The federal government has the right to defend itself from the citizen, but the citizen is disallowed to defend himself from the federal government.

Pass a law okaying public urination; wants law passed to stop public panhandling.

Man uses a gun to attack Congress members, FBI claims it isn’t ‘terrorism,’; Man uses a knife to attack TSA agent, FBI claims it is ‘terrorism.’

Killing a gorilla to protect an innocent life is wrong while aborting 3,000 innocent lives in the U.S. each day is okay.

Claims their vote doesn’t count, so they won’t; complains that two-thirds of the U.S. population refuses to vote.

Okay to sell weapons to a country; wrong to talk to that country’s leader by phone.

Claims that ‘”Love Trumps Hate;” Actually means: “Love to Hate Trump.”

Claims the GOP is made up of a bunch of old people; plans to vote for Hillary Clinton instead.

Lets convicted drug pushers out of federal prison; but holds others in federal prison for exercising their Constitutional rights.

Students arrested for passing out pocket Consitutions on university campus; students violently riot, burn university property and no one arrested.

Insists that there be no winners or losers and every child gets a participation award; throws elaborate and expensive award shows on television for themselves.

‘Fake news’ is bad; propaganda is great.

Claims that voter ID disenfranchises certain races, yet makes it manditory for convention delegates to show an ID before entering arena.

Claims that all the emails released by WikiLeaks is fake; blames the Russians for hacking anyway.

People being investigated by the FBI shouldn’t be allowed to buy a gun, but it’s okay for them to run for president.

Tech company refuses to support a U.S. political convention, but does business in countries where the murder of gays is okay.

Wants thousand’s of protesters to attend President-elect Trump’s inauguration; fail to realize they will be added to the number in attendance.

Planned Parenthood, the organization that kills more Blacks than all diseases combined, wants to get Black people “reproductive justice.”

Claims that no one could have hacked Hillary’s unsecured home server; meanwhile claims that the Russians hacked the party’s protected server.

Shames one presidential candidate for giving an interview that aired on Russian TV; completely ignore that other presidential candidate sold for personal gain 20-percent control of the nation’s uranium supply to Russia.

Believes it’s okay to limit the number of bullets in a magazine; finds it ridiculous to suggest limiting the number of quarts a pressure cooker can hold.

“Say No To Drugs,” works, but telling kid’s to say no to sex, won’t, so give them condoms instead.

Famous person gets robbed of all her jewelry in a gun-free zone; continues to promote a presidential candidate who believes in gun-free zones.

Twitter gives Islamic terror groups free reign; bans a Gay Conservative.

Claims that violent radical Islam is a ‘perversion,’ of the Islamic religion while claiming the Islamic religion has nothing to do with violent radical Islam.

Okay to claim ‘illegal aliens’ are ‘undocumented immigrants; loses it when a Black man refers to ‘African slaves’ as ‘immigrants.’

Wants free education, healthcare and cellphones; wants to eliminate the ‘free speech’ of those who disagree with them.

Take everything President Trump says literally; upset that Conservatives don’t.

Hate speech is free speech unless they disagree with what’s being said.

Worries about being ‘objectified’ by society; holds protests in the nude.

Wife earns $50,000 a year, while her husband remains unemployed; however he supposedly makes more money than her simply because he’s a man.

Hillary Clinton proclaims ‘the future is female;’ meanwhile Rosie O’Donnell wants to portray Steve Bannon on SNL.

Wants to take away guns to make the world safer; calls for violent overthrow when candidates loses.

Wants Zika virus funding to protect unborn babies; wants funding to support Planned Parenthood in their effort to abort unborn babies.

Not okay for an elected official to talk via telephone to another elected official; perfectly fine for a Hollywood actor to meet face-to-face with an escaped Mexican drug lord.

U.S. Mayors claim toughening immigration enforcement meddles with their cities’ affairs; still want federal aid.

Federal government arrest and charge a group of people for taking over a wildlife refuge; federal government ignores a group of people for taking over the same wildlife refuge.

Upset that a 15-year-old girl’s shot and killed and blames the gun; isn’t concerned that the same underage child was wandering the streets at 4 a.m.

Nothing says ‘Black Lives Matter’ like a Black man shooting and killing a Black man during a protest over a Black man shooting and killing a Black man.

Wants to cut contact between football players to a minimum; trying to create more physical contact in professional bicycling.

One man uses words and is considered a misogynist; another man uses his penis and is treated as a demigod.

Okay to criticize Christianity; criticizing Islam is disrespectful.

Guns kill people, not people; still can’t explain how people go to a gun show and manage to survive.

Ridicules Judge Jeanine Pirro for getting a speeding ticket; says nothing about attorney Gloria Allred creating false evidence.

Destroy Donald Trump’s star in Hollywood because he is elected president; leave Kevin Spacey’s star untouched even though he’s admitted to being a pedophile.

Republican Senator Jeff Sessions is toxic; longtime Klansman and segregationist, Democratic Senator Robert Byrd is a paragon of virtue.

Chicago, Illinois claims it is fiscally bankrupt; city leaders spend money on ‘anti-Trump art.’

Openly blames the GOP for the condition of Black communities; ignores the fact that those same communities have been Democrat-controlled since 1964.

The mainstream media claims Russia selectively released information to help their candidate win; the same mainstream media fails to see that it did exactly that.

EPA spends millions creating regulations that bar Americans from littering; NASA spends millions creating satellite that will crash into and litter the planet Jupiter.

Applauds candidate for walking in a gay-pride parade, while ignoring the fact she gets money from countries that execute gays for being homosexual.

Claim the President-elect is Adolph Hitler, reincarnated; meanwhile the current President ‘invades’ Poland with less than a week left in office.

George Soros-funded group accuses Hungary of “hatemongering” against Soros.

You are a racist, bigot if you make a joke about KKK members smoking pot; you are protecting EVERY American liberty by supporting Black Lives Matter.

Forces the issue of transgenderism on the American people, while pointing to the ‘historical significance’ of having a female presidential candidate.

During a LGTBQ march activists display banner reading ‘Republican Hate Kills.’ Refuse to admit that the Orlando terrorist was a registered Democrat.”

Claims ‘Russia Today’ is nothing but propaganda; believes CNN, MSNBC and others are real news agencies.

Of course the cops shot LaVoy Finicum because he had a gun on his person; Can’t believe cops shot Alton Sterling because he had a gun on his person.

Books critical of ‘climate change’ are banned, but the book, “Morris Micklewhiter and the Tangerine Dress” is mandatory.

Demand White cops stop killing Black people; has nothing to say when Black man murders Black cop.

Remind everyone that their candidates has never been convicted of a crime and never on trial for one either; angry when reminded that Adolph Hitler fell under the same criteria when he came to power.

Not okay for Russia to interfere with U.S. election; okay for the U.S. president to interfere with Israel’s election.

Holds a minute of silence for Fidel Castro; continues to condemn Israel.

Fight racism by using segregation.

Doesn’t want to ‘tear families apart;’ but is okay with ‘tearing unborn babies apart.’

Concerned over toddlers getting their hands on guns; ignores all the unborn babies being aborted.

Praise Fidel Castro for 50-plus years of murderous rule; Call U.S. President-elect a dictator even though he hasn’t taken office yet.

Actress states she will not vote for Donald Trump because he’s ‘not a Christian choice’ while her claim to fame is portraying a teenaged witch on television.

The president banning travel from certain Muslim countries is unconstitutional; okay for a state to ban its employees from traveling to another state in support of gay rights.

Insists that every citizen have health insurance; won’t make sure that every person required to have health insurance is a citizen.

Willfully calls presidential nominee’s immigration plan ‘racist,’ while purposefully ignoring Mexico’s ‘racist’ immigration laws.

Not okay to refuse to bake for a Homosexual couple; okay to refuse to serve coffee to a Trump voter.

Tells people to ignore the religion of a man who yells, ‘Allahu Akbar,’ as he stabs ‘ non believers;’ insists Christian couple who build homes on TV are bigots because they don’t support abortion.

Burning the Quran is ‘hate’ speech; burning the U.S. flag is ‘free’ speech.

Mourns the loss of pre-Columbian America; celebrates the rise of the police state.

Muslim’s kill 1,300 people in 20 days, no one says a thing; one man drives into a crowd of Muslim’s, everybody loses their mind.

Plastic bags must be outlawed; plastic must be bottled encouraged.

Replace a groping Congressman with a knife-wielding, wife-beating Congressman.

Cheers when a transgendered male places third in a female sprint competition — then calls ‘her’ a winner.

Destruction of public monument’s okay; peaceful protest at a bird sanctuary isn’t.

Congress enacts laws against sexual harassment; Congress creates slush-fund to pay-off those making sexual harassment allegations.

With only 97 percent of weather scientists saying man-made global warming is real, they claim anyone who disagrees should be put in prison; but when 100 percent of all scientists say human life begins at conception — it has nothing to do with abortion.

AR-15s must be taken away from gun owners because one was used in a church shooting; ignore that fact that a man with an AR-15, stopped the same shooting from getting any worse.

Goes after marijuana laws; refuses to investigate uranium deal.

Declares President Barack Obama the first ‘social media’ president; angry that President-elect Donald Trump uses Twitter to by-pass the Progressive media.

‘Black Lives Matter’ is funded by a super-wealthy old White man named George Soros.

Angry that a FBI suspect can still buy a gun, but fine with voting for a FBI suspect to be President.

Army soldier set free after being found guilty of desertion; Marine given 10-year prison sentence for ‘abusing’ recruits during training.

It is not okay for a presidential candidate to call a judge ‘bias’ because of his racial views — but it’s okay to claim a judge suffers from ‘white privilege’ because of a disagreeable sentence.

Gets rid of John Conyers; keeps Al Franken.

Doesn’t want to perform at Donald Trumps’ inauguration; forces faith-based company to bake a cake for a homosexual wedding.

Offering people $2500 to protest President-elect Trump’s inaugural; doesn’t realize they are resorting to capitalism to protest capitalism.

Cannot build a wall to protect our borders; erects a fence to protect their convention goers.

Claims that a Trump presidency will destroy the U.S.; tries to destroy the U.S. while protesting a Trump presidency.

Christian tee-shirt designer refuses to make a shirt for gay wedding and labeled a hater; TV show host’s considered a hero after cancelling Christian gospel singer’s appearance after she criticized homosexuality.

Claims Margaret Thatcher was oppressive, even though in 1967 she fought to decriminalize homosexuality in the UK; Views Che’ Guevara as a champion of the oppressed even though he executed homosexuals.

A Muslim commits a terrorist attack and we must wait for the facts; a police officer shoots a Black person and immediately calls for violence and rioting despite of the facts.

Putting human cells in rats creates a ‘ethical nightmare;’ but abortion is still okay.

Former congresswoman does everything she can to increase gun regulations; has navy battleship, armed with eight guns and two missile systems, named after her.

Okay for the homeless to sleep outside in freezing weather; not okay to let pets sleep outside in same weather.

Up in arms over elephant hunting being legalized; says nothing about the illegal murders of people in Chicago.

Marin County is one of the richest places per capita in California; doesn’t want low-income residents or housing projects.

Says nothing after Obama pardons 201 Gitmo terrorist; loses mind when Trump pardons ex-Arizona sheriff.

A man who claims he’s being spied on by the U.S. is mentally ill; but a man who says he’s a woman is sane and oppressed if anyone refuses to believe him.

Allow illegal aliens in to the country; find sheriff guilty for arresting illegal aliens.

Planned Parenthood needs federal funding to operate; Planned Parenthood can afford to spend $370-million on a Democrat candidate.

Bad that Wikileaks published the truth about Hillary Clinton and now accusing Russia of interfering in our election process; however allowing illegal aliens to vote in a U.S. election is good.

Claims police body cameras are necessary to prevent ‘racism;’ claims body camera’s used by police are ‘racist.’

Pregnant woman is a man; baby in her womb isn’t a person.

Blame the policeman for killing the unarmed person; blame the gun, not the shooter, for killing unarmed students.

Willing to call Republicans ‘Nazis;’ but refuse to call Muslim mass-murderers ‘Terrorists.’

Claims thirteen Russians interfered with the 2016 presidential elections; but 13 million illegal aliens had nothing to do with the same elections.

U.S. Senator talks for eight-hours, defending ‘illegal aliens;’ refuses to stand in acknowledgement of family whose child was murdered by MS-13 gang members.

Hammer away at the president-elect for making fun of a disabled adult reporter; gives a pass to current president when he makes fun of disabled children who bowl.

Loves the President who misuses cigars and vaginas; hates the President who only talked about grabbing vaginas and who actually dislikes tobacco.

A former president selects a guy who describes his art as a “kill whitey thing” to do an official presidential portrait is good; saying we have an “Anglo-American” legal tradition is racist.

Claims that men make more than women; believes there’s more than two genders.

Celebrates that opioid use has dropped in Colorado since the state legalized marijuana; suppresses statistics that show deadly auto crashes are up in Colorado due to marijuana impaired driving.

Makes a fuss over a presidential candidate’s refusal release personal past tax returns while another candidate gets a pass on refusing to release public emails.

Clubbing a seal pup to death is evil; dismembering an unborn child is a societal good.

Asks that we pray for school shooting victims; refuses to allow prayer in school.

Where there’s a fire, make sure the firefighters have matches and gasoline.

Trumpets how a ‘Conservative blogger’ comes out as ‘gay’ following the terror attack in Orlando, yet fails to see the number of ‘gays’ coming out as Americans following the same event.

Investigates the possibility of ‘White supremacists’ working in the Trump White House; ignores the many ties of the Muslim Brotherhood to the Obama White House.

Claims we’re smarter than the men who wrote the U.S. Constitution; claims we’re not intelligent enough to understand the complexities of the U.S. Constitution.

Fills a memo with classified information knowing the President has a duty to prevent classified information from being released; accuses the President of a cover-up when he refuses to release the classified information.

Attacks Trump for supposedly calling Haiti a ‘shit hole;’ gives a pass on the Clinton’s, who earned 247-million dollars, with little to show for it after the 2011 earthquake in Haiti.

Only illegal aliens who have done something illegal should be deported.

Passes a law legalizing assisted suicide; creates new gun regulation to prevent suicide.

Exasperated, he rolled his eye’s at her. Even more upset, she responded, saying, “While you’re rolling your eyes into the back of your head, don’t forget to look for your brain.”

My wife asked me, “You do know what my favorite flower is?”
I answered, “Yes, it’s Gold Medal.”

“Hey, you ate my taco!”

I was walking behind my wife, when I casually said, “You’re bottom is getting as big as a washing machine.”
She didn’t respond as we continued walking.
That night, I was feeling frisky, when she stopped my advances, saying, “I’m not starting this washing machine for such a small load. I’m afraid you’ll have to that by hand.”

“Can I ask a stupid question?” he wanted to know.
She smiled, “Better than anyone else I know.”

I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
“I’ll have the rump steak, rare, please.”
He said, “Aren’t you worried about the mad cow?”
“Nah, she can order for herself.”

His wife screamed, “A bee,’ as it landed on her forehead.
He was close enough to swat at it — with a shovel.

“So, what’s on the television?” she asked.
Without batting an eye, he relied, “Dust.”

He asked his wife, “Now that you’re done shaving your legs, you gonna give that to ‘Locks for Love?'”

A few years ago, I bought my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift. The following year, I didn’t buy her a gift. When she asked me why, I replied, “Well, you still haven’t used the gift I bought you last year!”

Being positive isn’t the denial of difficulty. It’s the acknowledgement of a greater power.

When life gets tough — you always have the advantage.

Not only will you make a difference, you are the difference.

Champions are molded by what’s in them, not what’s around them.

We are all connected.

When the truth is denied, deception abounds.

Atheism is as much a control mechanism as religion and both are a creation of man.

The reason the rear-view mirror is small and your front windshield is so much bigger is because where you’ve been is not nearly as important as where you’re going.

Protecting a child from pedophilia falls under ‘Righteous Anger.’

Israel’s 1967 ‘Six Day War,’ was never about land or territory.

Don’t seek the spotlight but be prepared for when it happens.

A weed that has deep roots is harder to pull than one that has jus’ sprung up.

The greatest problem in marriage occurs when both partners are struggling to be the leader.

Your time is coming.

Quit living condemned, always thinking about your past mistakes.

This is today! You’re not who you were yesterday and today’s you will not be tomorrow’s you.

Warning to CNN, MSNBC, the NYT and its ilk: Reporting false or fake news is a felony as prescribed by 18 U.S.C. 1038, False Information and Hoaxes.

The minimum wage, at whatever rate it is (and I remember getting $2.10 an hour,) has never lifted a person out of poverty. Hard work, ingenuity and merit on the otherhand have created millionaires.

The more the media attacks President Trump, the more he looks like the underdog. I tend to root for the underdog.

Listening is as important as talking.

The media doesn’t care whether you, the customer, are happy or not, because they’re not doing the news for you, rather they’re doing it strictly for each other.

Worship instead of worry.

A release is coming to you and your household.

Don’t let your heart become contaminated by letting everything in, constantly dwelling on your problems, losing sleep, living worried, frustrated and offended.

You may fall, but you’ll never fail.

Make up your mind now that no matter what comes your way, no matter how difficult, no matter how unfair, you will do more than simply survive. You will thrive in spite.

Stop seeing yourself as other people see you and see yourself as God sees you — created in His image.

Some people are never going to be for you, so quit worrying about what they think.

Having a positive attitude in every situation confuses the enemy.

It’s not the issues that are the problem but how we deal with them.

Your best days are not behind you but ahead of you.

Every setback you have experienced will be turned around for your good.

You are not your mistakes. You are who God created you to be.

The truth dies on the word of the ‘anonymous source.’

No! I am not anti-government. I am a pro-constitutionalist.

The federal government is the armed branch of Satan.

There is a reason U.S currency reads, “In God we trust,” and not, “In money we trust.” Heed the warning.

One dad, two sons, one inheritance. One got the land, one got the oil and gas.

When Jesus returns, it won’t be a four-year hitch and then we’ll do it again.

In studying the Old Testament — apparently it’s human nature to not pay attention.

God is going to bless you and multiply you when you least expect it.

The GOP is schizophrenic, but the Democratic party’s sociopathic.

False narrative: Israel is the problem. Real narrative: Palestine is the problem.

“Fear of the Lord,” doesn’t mean to be afraid of God, rather it’s about revering Him.

Endure.

Don’t stare at your circumstances for too long, it will leave you blind to the possibilities.

In the middle of midnight, morning always breaks out.

WALK: Work, achieve, lead, know.

Simply chasing a dream isn’t enough. Go out and catch it.

Sometimes you must begin before believing.

Anything you run from will be waiting for you somewhere else.

Relax — life doesn’t always require plans.

Expose the darkness and it will hate you, but the light is in love with your actions.

It doesn’t pay to be polite to an appointed bureaucrat.

God says “Don’t be afraid,” 365 times in the Bible. That’s enough for each day of the year.

There is no sense in beginning if all you plan to do is give up.

Don’t let man stop you from humbling yourself before the Lord.

Forgiveness works two ways: it’s not only for the offender, it also allows you to be free.

Rather than interpeting the U.S Constitution and the Gospel, making them fit into our busy schedules, we should be applying these God-given documents to our daily lives.

You’re not defined by your past, rather you’ve been prepared by your past.

Before you decide to charge that hill — make sure it’s the right hill.

The law, in whatever form it takes, is not about justice. Rather it is based on force of power and government outside the U.S. Constitution.

Sometimes we are so overshadowed by our difficulty that it takes us a while to see the silver lining of the problem.

Like ‘Spock’ from Star Trek, half brain and logic, half heart and feelings, we wear one or the other on our sleeve depending on the situation.

The fella who invented government figgered he was gonna get rich once the market was cornered.

The word ‘smart’ stands for ‘Some Math And Reading Too.’

Beware the promise of safety nets; they also come with holes.

As I count my blessings, I count you twice.

God has never given either of us the right to feel sorry for ourselves.

There’s no “social justice” on the battlefield. At the most basic level, constant combat is still about one man taking the life of another.

Nothing in life has happened to you, it has happened for you.

Forgiveness not only comes with double rewards, it is itself a reward.

A bitter root cultivates bitter fruit.

God created only two genders; man confused the creation by making up gender roles.

Sometimes when things go wrong, it’s because we’re moving in the right direction.

You and I cannot be defeated.

Disadvantaged? There is no such thing. You are perfect as you are.

For some, the Bible is so simple it’s complicated.

Like a dog getting out of the water, I sometimes need to shake my worldly self off.

Heavy is the weight of Liberty.

Prayer isn’t always about wants and needs.

You cannot ‘kill with kindness’ the person who has not the concept of kindness.

Your faults and troubles are also your watch towers.

Beware of the ‘I don’t do that’ sort of Christian. He’s into action, not salvation.

It’s in our nature to complain, but remember God placed us above all nature.

You know the rules, what’s right and wrong. Apply them equally.

Before the world ever finds peace, it must seek righteousness.

While designed to shine, we’re also responsible for turning on our light.

You are worthy.

Happiness is based on how you feel; joy is knowing.

Your joy is your strength.

When things go crazy — the crazy get going.

Write a lot, edit more.

Love is a verb.

Life is a result of choices. If you don’t like yours, time to make better choices.

There is nothing as beautiful as someone who has survived losing everything and still has a tender heart.

Don’t pray for change then complain when it happens.

Change is usually uncomfortable, but eventually becomes refreshing.

Do not tell a child he may have as much as he wants then punish him when unsupervised he takes it all.

Time to step up or step away.

You are born for change.

Transformation is messy.

Jesus said that the only way to see the Father is through him, but the only way to see Jesus is through love.

Push through rather than pull away.

Every death comes with a certain amount of emotional messiness.

The reason we don’t all drive the same color vehicle is because the government wants us to think we are independent.

Write down the things you would like to accomplish.

Even in the midst of conflict expect miracles.

When the walls of Jericho fell, the battle did not end, it had jus’ begun.

Instead of trying to explain what makes a good person — be one.

Liberty has been perverted by the entitlement system.

God expects you to win.

The more guilt and condemnation you drag behind you the less you’ll see change in yourself.

Even Jesus had to get off his ass to fulfill his destiny.

Share your spiritual feelings with Christ, not only your spiritual failings.

Time management is a fraud; we all have the same 24-hours a day.

Now, more than ever, we need positive messages

You’re not anointed from trouble, you are anointed for trouble.

Don’t give up because you’re not being encouraged by others.

Be more excited about how far you’ve come than how far you have to go.

You’re in the action business, God is in the results business.

There are times when we must lose a battle to win the war.

People are often placed in our lives to challenge us.

Make the decision to not settle where you are.

If you can’t handle small criticisms, you won’t be able to handle larger ones.

You’re never going to understand it all.

God is not limited by your education, by your nationality, or by your background.

No one is responsible to make and keep you happy.

Good deeds are better than good words.

When you’re tempted to give up and settle, it’s because you’re close to a breakthrough.

You can choose to do good or choose to do well. Choose to do good.

Red pill or blue pill — neither if you value Liberty.

The bigger the burden, the bigger the blessing.

Never give up

Whatever you believe you are not, Jesus is.

Ultimately, we are all only caretakers and owners of nothing.

A kind word goes a long way.

Religious freedom is not a license to kill or to exhort people to kill.

Remember not only who you are, but Whose you are.

You are God’s greatest creation.

When you are going through hard times get it out of your soul by writing it down.

You are highly favored — the proof is in your problems.

Don’t focus on the burden, focus on the blessing.

God trusts you.

Like King David, you’re a giant killer.

God doesn’t have you on a checklist; you shouldn’t put Him on yours.

Truth must overcome feelings.

People are talking about you because you are making a difference.

When you don’t have to have your way, you cannot be controlled.

There are 33,000 divisions in the body of Christ — we call them religions. No wonder the Church is so disrespected.

Be your best right where you are.

Dogs are always happier than us because they live in the now, not worrying about what has been or will be.

A cluttered life has never stopped God from using a person.

Who is your neighbor? Everyone you meet and see, not only those that live nearby.

A foundation is laid one stone at a time.

Bad things happen, but know that God invented the u-turn.

God is creating opportunity for you.

The root of our problems are due to the fact we’re busy trying to please ourselves.

Don’t allow yourself to be pigeon-holed; set that bird free.

You are a river, meant to flow into other peoples lives.

Do everything today to speak positive into other’s lives.

You are not called to keep everyone happy.

Sometimes you have to cut the string before you get tied in knots.

Good intentions are rarely good for you.

High maintenance people are the hardest to please.

Sometimes silence is an answer.

From dreams and imagination grow vision.

Your Constitutional rights override my faith-based beliefs.

Life doesn’t always go according to plan and never according to our plan.

God wants you to have the very best.

Being able to talk while working isn’t considered a multitasking skill.

The sun doesn’t have to be shining for you to receive what God has to give.

Don’t fall into the trap of taking care of yourself last.

The federal government doesn’t have to enslave us when it has the U.S. education system teaching our children to enslave themselves.

Chasing after information can leave a person devoid of wisdom.

The difference between hearing and actually listening maybe in the amount of talking you’re doing at the time.

God is precise.

When that one door closes, quit trying to open it back up.

Truth defeats emotion.

Satan knows that if you, like Joseph, survive the pit and head for the palace, you will shake the world.

Political correctness is a tool used to spread lies.

You have dominion.

Don’t throw your entire life away because you’re unhappy with a portion of it.

God is a master photographer; wait till you see what He can do with your negatives.

God can calm your thoughts and give you rest when life happens and the unexpected puts a wrinkle in your plans.

God is a powerful, supernatural force that can move mountains of impossibility.

You are blessed and highly favored.

We are called to stand in the gap.

A new day is a new beginning; put the past away.

You were made with purpose — so act with purpose.

Love is walking in the Word.

God uses everything, even the distractions, to talk to you.

God’s grace is not permission to do what is wrong because you think you can get away with it.

Better to suffer for what is right than to suffer for doing wrong.

So you were yelled at — don’t make it turn-about-fair-play

Quit saying, “If only…”

Sadly — we must relearn how to live together.

Where the mind goes, the flesh follows.

We have a blood bought right to enjoy our everyday lives in freedom — both spiritually and physically.

Do not waste your time wallowing in self-pity.

Even the fat man must eat to live.

Self-pity can lead to a 40-year journey in the desert.

You are built to succeed.

While allegiance to one side or the other is dangerous — staying in the middle is deadly.

If service is below you, leadership is beyond you.

You know society is turning itself inside out when preachers need body guards on staff.

Your sex is not decided by what is in your jeans, it’s decide by what’s in your genes.

Your armor from God was not issued for comfort.

Faith and fear have one thing only in common; both are a belief in something unseen.

To walk on water you have to get out of the boat.

Good thoughts don’t make a good person.

The bird sitting in the tree is never afraid of the branch breaking.

Self-censorship is self-slavery.

Don’t talk to God about your problem; talk to your problem about God.

Do right for the sake of doing right.

Treating your faith like a business is living by the law and not by faith.

Sometimes the misuse of the Lord’s name is actually a cry for God’s mercies.

No matter your size, there is never a good time to sell yourself short.

A hot temper and smoldering anger lead to burnout.

Stressed to blessed, it’s your choice.

You’re supposed to walk through the valley, not make it a destination.

Continue to do the right thing even when the wrong thing is happening to you.

You’re equipped for life’s battles; victory is already yours.

Each problem comes with an afterwards.

Be quick to forgive — especially yourself.

Move forward in the face of fear.

It is time to offend evil with the truth.

Leave your safe zone and enter the faith zone.

Your life may be hard, but God is good.

Don’t let your mind talk you out of what God has promised you.

God does not pity, so quit expecting him to.

Obedience and discipline always bring pain before pleasure.

There is nothing better than knowing you’ve done the right thing.

Refuse to live angry, discouraged or hurt.

If you want to turn over a new leaf, prepare to do some weeding.

Detours are a part of your destination.

Spiritual fruits are no good if you never invite anyone to the banquet table.

Feel good theology says we have a friend in Jesus. In reality, the traditional Bible never proclaims Him as friend

Money builds the house, love furnishes the home.

Think big and act big.

Your day is perfect — don’t let anyone rob you of your blessings, joy or purpose.

So you want ‘Plan A?’ Then don’t settle for ‘Plan B.’

Too often we break our own bones by what we say about ourselves.

The smartest person in the room is usually the quietest one.

Don’t ask God for temporary things; ask for His permanence.

We need less information and more revelation.

The person who belittles you is only trying to cut you down to their size

Wisdom doesn’t reside in your brain, it’s alive in your heartbeat.

You are confident, intelligent, decisive and tough.

We mourn the loss of a pet more because we know pets are truly innocent.

Sometimes we need positive motivation poured into our lives.

When you’re green with envy, you’re ripe for trouble.

A junk yard can be a field of endless possibilities.

In an age of online image, we need more character.

The safe man will never truly know victory or defeat.

Beware the fury of a patient person.

Pet a dog, feed him, treat him nice and he’ll never leave you. Works with men, too.

Your dreams cannot out dream God.

Some fear being burned by the fire; others become the flame.

Often what’s supposed to be food for thought is nothing than a bunch of bologna.

Don’t talk about your plans and dreams —  live them.

We learn more in our difficulties than we do in our good times.

Revolution begins at the bottom, tyranny from the top.

Don’t talk about the problem — speak of the solution.

The purposeful misappropriation of words is political correctness.

My greatest desire for you is to live in Liberty to its fullest.

Stop cursing your life and begin speaking blessings into it.

An excuse is a lie camouflaged in reason.

No challenge, no change.

The Oreo cookie’s a perfect metaphor for todays world; twice the darkness than light.

Toughness doesn’t reside in the muscle, it dwells in the spirit.

Choose your words wisely to avoid empty calories if you have to eat them later.

For every success there are seven failures.

I AM enough!!!

Speaking the truth is not the same as talking trash.

If love is the dream, then marriage is the alarm clock.

Inconvenient poll results are still results.

You are NOT entitled to MY Liberty. Get your own!

There’s no escalator to success. You must take the stairs.

When you run out of life, you’ve run out of destiny.

We are afraid to see clearly and of being seen clearly.

Beware the man who claims that he’s self-made. He does not know God.

So much of the time I feel like I’m battling with shadows when it comes to the truth.

Your life is preaching a sermon — what is it saying?

I’m not ordinary or average and neither are you!

Being smart never hurt anyone; being stupid has killed a bunch though.

I have never had much of a problem speaking my mind. It’s hurting peoples feelings that’s rough.

Since when did you become limited? Stop believing that crap!

It is okay to have money, but don’t let money have you.

Loss of life is the greatest form of Liberty lost; if you cannot live, no other Liberty exists.

Only people who think there is a time limit for grieving, have never lost a piece of their heart.

Men in denim built our nation, but it’s the men in suits who are destroying it.

Nothing makes a man a math-whiz like seeing his ex-girlfriend with a newborn baby.

Technology gives us everything we want, while taking all that we need.

My love life is great — I’m participating in a threesome with me, myself and I.

The more I dream, the harder it is to wake up.

You know it’s bad when you pass gas so loud you set the dogs to barking.

The most difficult thing about writing a political news story — is doing so with a straight face.

Sometime we jus’ have to be satisfied with being satisfied.

There is NO “-ism,” in American.

Value and virtues; not rules and regulations.

I wished the buck stopped here, as I could use a few.

“Leaning forward” is really just the first phase of “falling on your ass.”

Sometimes I’m such a good Christian, that I would make a great Pharisee.

Everything has a moral, sometimes though you have to search for it.

Don’t believe everything you think.

You can’t change your past, but you can move to another city where no-one knows you.

Paper never forgets — forgetting where the paper is — that’s the problem.

Smart people seem like crazy people to dumb people.

Even Wednesday, Thursday, Friday — when abbreviated — spell out WTF.

The new definition of “cellophane” is a dirty call, voice mail or text message on your cell phone.

How you finish your life is more important than how you began it.

A true friend knows when you smile, you are thinking of something they would want to be involved in.

It’s okay to count your blessings as you search for your dream.

A true friend will help you get drunk and plot revenge against the sorry bastard who did you wrong.

Nothing says power like a light switch.

Public schools and prisons are government institutions.

If a person lies to Congress, it’s a felony — but if Congress lies to us, its politics.

The government spends millions to rehabilitate criminals — but does very little to help the victim’s of crime.

A father carries pictures of his kids and wife where his money used to be.

Next time someone says their home is a filthy mess — tell them to watch an episode of “Hoarders,” then explain ‘filthy mess.’

It’s okay to teach in school, that homosexuality is okay — but the name, “God,” cannot be spoken.

It’s okay to abort a fetus — but wrong to execute a murderer.

I’m always disappointed when a liars pants don’t catch on fire.

You’re never too old to learn something stupid.

We might not burn books — but we rewrite them or ban them from school’s and public libraries.

Allowing someone to drive you crazy is a waste — especially since it’s within walking distance.

Middle-age occurs when you get your head together — only to have your body fall apart.

We cannot close the border between Mexico and the U.S. — but we can spend millions protecting the 38th parallel in South Korea.

If you protest against the federal government, you’re terrorist — but burning the U.S. flag is a 1st Amendment right.

As my televisions grown thinner — I’ve grown thicker.

When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty.

It’s okay to have pornography on our television or Internet — but can’t put up a Nativity scene in a public place during the Christmas season.

It’s okay to use human genes in scientific research — but wrong to subject an animal to medical research.

The government takes money from those who work for it — then gives it freely to those who will not work.

We support the U.S. Constitution — but only when is supports our political ideology.

We’re allowed to have freedom of speech — but only if it’s politically correct.

Pleasing everyone’s impossible, but pissing everybody off — a piece of cake.

I have such a dirty mind that I worry someone will mistake what I say as intelligent.

If I dislike a person of color, I’m a racist — but if a person of color dislikes me, it’s there 1st Amendment right.

Eyes are useless when the mind in blind.

Interesting how a who man can shoot a buck at 250 paces — can miss the toilet.

If only closed minds came with closed mouths.

Everyone has a photographic memory — it’s jus’ some don’t have film.

He who laughs last — thinks slowest.

A day without sunshine is like, well, night.

On the other hand — you have different fingers.

Change is inevitable, accept from a vending machine.

Back up my hard drive? How do I put it in reverse?

I jus’ got lost in unfamiliar territory — I was thinking.

Seen it all, done it all, can’t remember most of it.

Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don’t.

I feel like I’m diagonally parked in a parallel universe.

He’s not dead — he’s electroencephalographically challenged.

She’s always late — her ancestors arrived on the Juneflower.

You have the right to remain silent, anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.

I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.

Honk if you love peace and quiet.

Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?

Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.

It is hard to understand how a cemetery raised its burial costs and blamed it on the high cost of living.

Just remember… if the world didn’t suck, we’d all fall off.

The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there’s a 90% chance you’ll get it wrong.

It’s said that if you line up all the cars in the world end to end, someone will be stupid enough to try passing them.

You can’t have everything — where would you put it?

Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world’s population.

If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.

The things that come to those that wait are the things left by those who got there first.

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day drinking beer.

Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries.

Shin: A device for finding furniture.

As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.

A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

It was recently discovered that research causes cancer in rats.

Everybody lies, but it doesn’t matter since nobody listens.

I wished the buck stopped here, as I could use a few.

I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.

Stand by to stand by for a possible maybe.

It’s okay to count your blessings as you search for your dream.

Even Wednesday, Thursday, Friday — when abbreviated — spell out WTF.

Never ask a rancher about the size of his spread.

Dreams are illustrations from the book your soul’s writing about you.

Nothing in life is fair, therefore attempting to regulate fairness is impossible. If you’d like an example look at the former Soviet Union.

As my televisions grown thinner — I’ve grown thicker.

Pleasing everyone’s impossible, but pissing everybody off — a piece of cake.

I have such a dirty mind that I worry someone will mistake what I say as intelligent.

Dear God — My prayer for this year is a fat bank account and a thin body. Please don’t mix these up like you did last year.

There’s two theories to arguing with a woman — neither one works.

If you get to thinking you’re a person of some influence — try ordering somebody else’s dog around.

Bad decisions always make better stories.

Good judgment comes from experience — and a lot of that comes from bad judgment

Less than 1-percent of any population can make a crowd — however they will never be a majority.

Always drink upstream from the herd.

Poor is a state of mind — not a state of being.

If you take yourself too seriously — no one will take you seriously enough.

Poverty is jus’ a figure made up by bureaucrats.

Letting the cat-out-of-the-bag is easier than putting it in.

House parties are no fun — unless the neighbors believe is necessary to invite the cops.

It is impossible to be happy if you don’t get your mind off yourself and start reaching out to help someone else.

Luck is the residue of poor preparation.

An unbalanced door never shuts properly — the same can be said of some people’s mouths.

This life is limited; death is but instant; but Heaven is forever.

How you finish your life is more important than how you began it.

The news is so lopsided — it’s like setting an egg on its side and expecting it to roll end over end.

If you have no tradition to fall back on — then you’ll jus’ fall.

The federal government came with a great business plan — the U.S. Constitution — politicians ought to use it.

The longest period I’ve ever worked is 92 days straight — that’s a lot of time in dog years.

Never kick a cow chip on a hot day.

They say sleep is over rated — let me get enough and I’ll tell you if they’re right.

I see God in everything around me including a cup of coffee — I know He had a hand in creating the bean from which is drawn the juice that takes care of my need for caffeine.

Laughter — the sweet remedy to the bitterness life can sometimes offer.

Only the mediocre are always at their best.

Self-esteem cannot be bought — only caught.

Remember when blue jeans came in only one color?

You don’t need an umbrella during a brainstorm.

There is never a good time for bad news.

When you give a lesson in meanness to a critter or a person — don’t be surprised if they learn their lesson.

The past is good for the memories.

Humor is only truth turned inside-out.

Some open minds should be closed for repair.

Watch out for half-truths — it could be the wrong half.

You don’t need to stay awake nights to succeed — jus’ stay awake days.

To keep up with the neighbors — jus’ listen to their children’s conversations.

Nothing gets a home cleaner than a surprise visitor.

Never slap a man who’s chewing tobacco.

Life is really wonderful — do your best not to miss it.

Eating your own words is not a good diet plan.

When you plant only weeds — you can’t expect to pick flowers.

Growing old isn’t for sissies — or the young.

Paper never forgets — forgetting where the paper is — that’s a problem.

Don’t let anyone kid you — iodine can sting.

A defeat is only a defeat — when you allow yourself to be defeated.

A watched pot will eventually boil — but why waste your time watching it.

An unmade bed is easier to get into.

Grass grows all by itself.

Do it right the first time — and you won’t have to do it over.

Some people are tangled by their tongues.

Pain is weakness leaving the body.

Some folks aren’t afraid of hard work — they’ve fought it for years.

Hard work without purpose is like running in place.

The problem with higher education is that it over-qualifies you for that job that helped put you through college.

It’s hard to believe that this country was founded to avoid paying taxes.

A garden is a thing of beauty — but a forever job.

A temper is a valuable thing — don’t lose it.

If you think you’re beaten — you are.

If you think you dare not — you don’t.

A clenched fist shakes no hands.

The truth is often buried in the facts.

Some times it’s better to fall flat on your face than hard on your butt.

Your embarrassment is always someone else’s humor.

Dandelions are masters of survival who haven’t learned to grow in rows.

Perfection is a moving target that’s hard to hit.

Bad habits are do-it-yourself projects.

If you’d like to win — but think you can’t — its certain you won’t.

You are only young once — then you’ll need a new excuse.

Pounding the pulpit is not the same as practicing what you preach.

Be the task great or small — do the job well or not at all.

Action must have results — inaction must result in discipline.

One hundred acts of good will be erased by one-act of wrong.

A person with a closed mind — is both warden and prisoner.

If you have to choose between the better of two evils — choose neither.

The mighty always fall — dinosaurs are a good example.

Happiness is a deer in the woods — it runs if you chase it.

Difficulty is finding the hardest way to get from point A to point B.

Creating a budget is easier than having to follow it.

Sanity — it isn’t for everyone.

It’s an unwritten law of nature: Where there is an open gate in a yard, dogs will gravitate.

Eggs are proof that grades do not count as much as a lifetime of learning.

When you get to the end of your rope — tie a knot and hang on.

B.S. is usually dispensed in large words and long sentences.

The halls of success are not littered with failure — rather they are lined with attempts that have become part of the learning process.

Home is where the heart is.

When you’re throwing your weight around — be ready to have it thrown around by somebody else.

Don’t worry about biting off more than you can chew — your mouth’s bigger than you think.

Like a good cowboy, a good hat just gets better as it gets older.

Always take a good look at what you’re about to eat. It’s not so important to know what it is, but it’s good to know what it was.

It don’t take a genius to spot a goat in a flock of sheep.

Go after life as if it’s something that’s got to be roped in a hurry before it gets away.

The quickest way to double your money is to fold it over and put it back in your pocket.

Never get up before breakfast. If you have to get up before breakfast, eat breakfast first.

Never miss a good chance to shut up.

Making it in life is kind of like busting broncos. You’re going to get thrown a lot. The simple secret is to keep getting back on.

There are more horses asses than horses.

The best way to get a cowboy to do something is to suggest he is too old for it.

Nobody but cattle know why they stampede and they ain’t talking.

One good sharp knife is worth two of almost anything else, except women and horses, of course.

Never trust a man who agrees with you. He’s probably wrong.

If you’re ridin’ ahead of the herd, best take a look back every now and then to make sure it’s still there.

Always feed your horses and take time for your friends.

A good horse is never a bad color.

Learn to speak kind words–nobody resents them.

Careful is a naked man climbing a barbed wire fence.

Always ride the horse in the direction it’s going.

Don’t wear woolly chaps in sheep country during the breeding season.

Only a fool argues with a skunk, a mule or a cook.

It ain’t so much a matter of not knowing, as it is a matter of knowing so much that ain’t so.

A man is not born one; he becomes one.

Some people grin and bear it while others smile and change it.

An old timer is a man who’s had a lot of interesting experiences — some of them true.

Raise your kids, dogs, and horses all the same.

Don’t name a pig you plan to eat.

Country fences need to be horse high, pig tight, and bull strong.

Life is not about how fast you run, or how high you climb, but how well you bounce.

Keep skunks and bankers at a distance.

Life is simpler when you plough around the stump.

A bumble bee is faster than a John Deere tractor.

Words that soak into your ears are whispered, not yelled.

Meanness don’t happen overnight.

Forgive your enemies. It messes with their heads.

Don’t sell your mule to buy a plough.

Don’t corner something meaner than you.

It don’t take a very big person to carry a grudge.

You can’t unsay a cruel thing.

Every path has some puddles.

When you wallow with pigs, expect to get dirty.

The best sermons are lived, not preached.

Most of the stuff people worry about never happens.

Don’t judge people by their relatives.

Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.

Live a good, honorable life. Then when you get older and think back, you’ll enjoy it a second time.

Don’t interfere with something that ain’t botherin’ you none.

It’s better to be a has-been than a never-was.

The easiest way to eat crow is while it’s still warm. The colder it gets, the harder it is to swaller.

If it don’t seem like it’s worth the effort, it probably ain’t.

Sometimes you get and sometimes you get got.

The biggest troublemaker you’ll probably ever have to deal with watches you in the mirror.

You can’t tell how good a man or a watermelon is ’till they get thumped.

Never approach a bull from the front, a horse from the rear, or a fool from any direction.

Behind every successful radio broadcaster is a spouse who has a real job.

When you lose, don’t lose the lesson.

Talk slowly, think quickly.

Live a good, honorable life.

Timing has a lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.

Generally, you ain’t learnin’ nothing when your mouth’s a-jawin’.

Tellin’ a man to git lost and makin’ him do it are two entirely different propositions.

If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen are defrocked, shouldn’t it follow that cowboys would be deranged?

It is easier to get an actor to be a cowboy than to get a cowboy to be an actor.

Shirts that cost more than a weeks worth of groceries are like horseshoes that cost more than a horse.

An onion can make people cry but there’s never been a vegetable that can make people laugh.

Nature gave us all something to fall back on, and sooner or later we all land flat on it.

Whoever said a horse was dumb, was dumb.

Nobody ever drowned in his own sweat.

Speak your mind, but ride a fast horse.

War protestors do not hold reunions because they have nothing to reminisce.

Work without inspiration is like life without God — both are jus’ four-letter word.

If its got you worried — then you need to prepare for it.

Life isn’t a dress rehearsal.

Judge people by what  they stand for and by what they fall for.

You have nothing to regret if you’ve done your very best.

Intolerance is worse than a pack of little faults.

An even temperament will get even results.

Use soft words when making hard arguments.

No one has ever drown in their own sweat.

Don’t let the smallness of some people keep you down — no matter how big they think they are.

There are three things that don’t exist; no four: luck, fate, coincidence and common sense — however only one of these can be changed.

If guns cause crime — then pencils cause misspelled words.

While two wrongs don’t make a right — a hard right and solid upper cut will end a fight.

Oak trees do not change their positions — even when fortune is against them.

The person with a closed mind has no need of an imagination.

If you’re all wrapped up in yourself — you are a package with little in it.

The person who spends all their time digging a hole for someone else to fall into usually falls in themselves.

Food and sleep are good rewards for a hard days work.

Try to keep your youth as you lose your childhood.

Never drop your gun to hug a grizzly.

Not making a choice is usually the toughest choice of all.

“Leaning forward” is really just the first phase of “falling on your ass.”

There’s nothing like being so far down the food chain that there’s plankton bites on one’s butt.

Some people’s knowledge is only power point deep.

If the world were supposed to end tomorrow, it would still happen behind schedule.

If you wait until the last minute to do it, it’ll take forever.

Working with the United Nations is like watching a bad comedy set on auto repeat.

When a foriegn officer tells you, it’s no problem, he means, for him.

There’s nothing wrong with crossing that line a little bit, it’s jumping over it buck naked that will probably get you in trouble.

Never pet a burning dog.

There is always a time when you’re past the good idea cutoff point.

Some people always appear to be at the apex of their career.

It’s not a lot of work unless you have to do it.

Once you accept that a dog is a dog — you can’t get upset when it barks.

Let’s jus’ call lessons Learned what they really are: institutionalized scab picking.

When all else fails, simply revel in the absurdity of it all.

Your fences need to be horse-high, pig-tight and bull-strong.

Life is simpler when you plow around the stump.

A bumble-bee is a lot faster than a John Deere tractor.

Words that soak into your ears are whispered… not yelled.

Meanness don’t jus’ happen overnight.

Forgive your enemies; it messes up their heads.

Do not corner something that you know is meaner than you.

It doesn’t take a very big person to carry a grudge.

You cannot unsay a cruel word.

Every path has a few puddles.

When you wallow with pigs, expect to get dirty.

The best sermons are lived, not preached.

Most of the stuff people worry about will never happen anyway.

Don’t judge folks by their relatives.

Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.

Live a good, honorable life then when you get older and think back, you’ll enjoy it a second time.

Don’t interfere with something that’s not bothering you.

Timing has a lot to do with the outcome of a Rain dance.

Sometimes you get, and sometimes you get got.

The biggest troublemaker you’ll probably ever have to deal with watches you from the mirror every morning.

Don’t pick a fight with an old man. If he is too old to fight, he’ll just kill you.

 

 

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